Jiu Jitsu

In the wild flamboyant world of Jiu Jitsu anything goes. Ahem- in an ass kicking way, not in a gay way. No sir, not gay at all.

Sign us up. Immediately.

The last thing you want to smell before you pass out. That's right, balls. Sweaty Jiu Jitsu balls.

Just The Facts

  1. Jiu Jitsu was created by Samurai warriors for use when shit got "too krunk" on the battlefield.
  2. Almost every MMA champion ever has trained in some level of Jiu Jitsu.
  3. The point of Jiu Jitsu is to render your opponent battered, broken, humiliated and homophobic.

Jiu Jitsu (Old School.)

Jiu Jitsu is a real martial art, therefore how gay it looks is directly translated into its effectiveness. Opposed to fake ones that look totally bad ass.

Jiu Jitsu was invented by arguably the most effective warrior to walk the earth: The Samurai. Over the course of centuries in fuedal Japan, Samurais used Jiu Jitsu to hone their killing skills.

It didn't take the Japanese long to figure out that thousands of armor clad Samurai's charging into each other was going to get messy. The Japanese fine tuned their tactics over the ages, using advanced horseback archery, explosives and the sickest swords ever made. Jiu Jitsu would end up not only changing Japan, but it would change fighting as we know it. These changes in warfare were brought about by the totally fucking crazy idea that you could win a fight lying on your back.

In the whole scope of combat the apeshit awesome running and screaming with your katana part is only a few seconds. For the majority of a battle with thousands of Samurai smashing into each other with katanas and spears, shit gets gritty.

Gritty Samurai Painting

Real gritty.

Problem number one: Samurai were getting knocked over in their full body armor and couldn't really move around. Thus flopping around on the ground until someone turned off the lights.

Problem number two: Samurai were seriously bored in between battles. Which often lead to villagers getting gang-banged. Rice went missing. It was anarchy.

In typical Japanese fashion, they killed two birds with one shuriken. Also in typical Japanese fashion, the solution was totally perverted.

Models doing Jiu Jitsu

The spirit of Jiu Jitsu is alive and well today.

Tired of getting hacked up into pieces the Samurai started constantly practicing proven strategies to increase their killing power where they were most powerless. And by practicing we mean getting almost totally naked and grappling. After Jiu Jitsu, a Samurai was no longer just an ass kicking machine from hell while marching; he was now a vicious cyclone of murder while lying on the ground too. It takes years of drilling, hammering and pounding away at your skills in Jiu Jitsu to master the fundamentals alone. Luckily for the Samurai in between the battles there wasn't that much shit to do. Why not roll around in your underwear with your homies in the meantime?

To put this level of culture shock into American perspective: practicing Jiu Jitsu in 1574 to prepare for a war is something equivalent to this:

Bad Boys! Whacha' Goin' Do!?

Ride togetha' Die togetha'

Jiu Jitsu perfected the Samurai, turning them into ultimate warriors. Not to be confused with THE Ultimate Warrior.

Jiu Jitsu (Post WW2.)

Jiu Jitsu from the Samurai days all the way into post World War 2 takes many different forms and changes over the years. Apparently humans have brains with opinions or something. So what if crazy Japanese feudal lords didn't point at random territories to conquer anymore? It's still a total blast rolling around in your pajamas!

Jiu Jitsu

We're the real winners here.

In the 1500-1900(ish) time period, Jiu Jitsu can be attributed to jumpstarting or directly affecting almost all non-western grappling martial arts.

Judo, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Sambo, Aikido, Bartitsu, (You're not reading funny, it says "tits" right there.) Kempo, and other forms of Karate are all heavily influenced by Jiu Jitsu. That's a 'whole cannon of ways to fuck people up.

This guy knows what we're talkin' bout'

The Demi-God Harold Howard

You talkin' shit?

Jiu Jitsu (Today.)

Professional Jiu Jitsu these days has almost exclusively taken the forms of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ), Judo and Sambo. While the Jiu Jitsu "in-crowd" will tell you that the kings of Jiu Jitsu are crowned at ADCC; it takes real balls to grapple someone while they're trying to stomp a hole in your face.

Genki Sudo Vs. Royler Gracie in K-1 Heros

Even the best Jiu Jitsu is no match for the bat-shit insane x-factor of a Japanese drama student.

Since bursting its load all over the early MMA scene (See: UFC, PrideFC, Vale Tudo), Gracie Jiu Jitsu has revolutionized the fight game. Changing the way we think about fighting. Fighting used to be two fat dudes slugging each other in the jaw until one or the other permanently damaged his brain. Now fighting is a combination of elite techniques taken from every aspect of human to human combat. (Excluding techniques involved with Human to Black Bear combat.)

So what if we put all of the Judo, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu glory into one Japanese police officer?

Shinya Aoki DREAM Lightweight Champion

You would think he'd get his ass kicked wearing pants like that.