Theodore Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt was not only the greatest U.S. President of all time, but was also the single most notable person ever to live.
Just The Facts
- Theodore Roosevelt was born with mustache and monocle intact.
- Theodore Roosevelt won every one of his debates by offering to escort his opponent to "Injurytown".
- Theodore Roosevelt remains the only President to have killed an elephant, and the only human being to have done so by siezing the great beast by its tusks and delivering a suplex.
Cracked on Theodore Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt was our 26th President, and the first to bring national attention to the threat of the Train People, a race of giant mechano-men whose aggressive expansion worried many in the early years of the 20th century. However, he managed this crisis in the same way he handled all the major crises of his Presidency: with a series of grappling maneuvers.
When he was not greatly expanding his size in order to wrestle monsters, Roosevelt was busy busting trusts, inventing minumum wage, stopping child labor, winning the Nobel Peace Prize, coming up with beloved coffee slogans and boxing on the White House lawn.,
Most historians speculate that Theodore Roosvelt is not dead, but is in fact waiting to strike.
Following his departure from office, Roosevelt went to South America, where he navigated the legendarily treacherous River of Doubt and named it after himself. He also killed many, many animals, often with a firearm.
Some say his train was a hoax and when it left town the smoke was his pipe as he carried his locomotive crew up the Rocky Mountans across the Baren hell hole known as California... Through the flatest of the flat in the Dakotas Across the windy Appilation mountans running on only sweat and baby deer who had the misfortune to cross him. When he made it to office, some say he threw the train to mexico where in a wizard of oz like fashion landed on the best friend of Pancho Villa and created what is known today as Modren day Tijana.
ReplyALL WE KNOW IS HE IS TEDDY!
Wow. A completely un-hilarious article about TR. What the hell, man. This is the Best we can do for the greatest, most ass-kicking president in American HISTORY? He started wars on his own personal whim! And then started his own regiment of volunteers to go kick ass. A politician who FIGHTS THE WARS HE STARTS. And what's more, he Ends wars, too. He got the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating a peace treaty between Russia and Japan. Seriously, in the Topic page for TR... More effort, LOTS more effort is needed. It can still be hilarious. How about the time when he was a little kid and had asthma and allergies? And he said "Fuck this" and took up running and boxing and weightlifting until he shit-kicked his weakness into submission and made his body become a well oiled machine, through sheer testicular fortitude?
Replyit's a good thing you didn't write this article.
I remember the last part if that comment, about shit-kicking the asthma and whatnot, from another article.
It had the exact same damn sentence.