Cullenism

You know, Twilight isn't the end of quality entertainment in the world, but it sure is fun to mock. Have at.))

We're so fly.  Actually, we can just run really fast, or whatever.

Just The Facts

  1. Cullenism- n.- 1. A "religion" based on an obsession with Twilight 2. General obsession with Edward Cullen.

Cullenism: A Not-So-Critical View

Okay, first of all, I must claim my two identities as both a Twilight fan (I admit it!) and an English Literature major. The two, I admit, are hardly reconcilible, but the difference between a zombiecult-vampire-fetish Twilight fan is a far cry from having a bit of a crush on the chivalric Edward Cullen.

I claim that the former is as contagious among the right age group of girls as swine flu is on a college campus, which is very. And where has this gotten us? I can't walk into a book store without some brooding picture of the stunningly chiseled Robert Pattinson staring me down as if he were deciding whether or not to ravish me, followed by New In Paperback, and after a search similar to Indiana Jones's quest for the Holy Grail, finally finding the literature section. And that's fine, because poor cinematic interpretations of even more poorly written novel sagas sell. But then, so does Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, or whomever, that whole shtick confuses me.
Where does the phenomenon known as Cullenism even originate? Not at the preface to Twilight, the beloved and goose-bump inflicting first installment of the four-part series. It started when Hollywood decided to sink its teeth into this delightful little nugget of fiction. Despite all of it's bleeding cheesiness and obvious ill-used allusions to other more respected literary texts, sparkliness>literary merit.
Maybe it's not my place to insult Twilight or those who mock Twilight, because I'm somewhere on the fence myself. I would never ever admit to a fellow English major that I liked Twilight even if I were threatened by the Volturi themselves; it's almost as bad as admitting to somebody you've just fucked that you, "Hehe, sorry I didn't tell you, but, gee, I have herpes and I didn't use a rubber." If you are over 14 years old and you subscribe to the philosophy known as Cullenism, you may as well have cooties, but the strain that no line or dot will ever vaccinate against.
But now I think we should assess the behavior of Cullen extremists, which can be summarized in a few basic attributes:
1.) The most extreme Cullenist is most likely female, but can be male. Most will probably wearing a training bra and/or braces and/or undershirt in lieu of training bra, regardless of gender.
2.) Her scream (see shriek) will most likely surpass those octaves attainable only by Whitney Houston or the castrati. Like mandrake roots, these screams will cause faintness and/or death if heard.
3.) Oh em gee, like, Edward Cullen is totally hot and Alice and I are like bffs.
4.) She will probably travel in a pack with other Twilight fans, probably as an attempt to simulate the pack mentality of the werewolves in New Moon. These tweens frequent places like the local movie theater, the mall, and Jennifer's room that has the coolest new poster of Edward Cullen.
5.) She will pick a side. Team Edward or Team Jacob. It is a problem that will rip friends and sisters apart more than the Civil War.

It is important to distinguish between those Chreaster Twilight fans and those who desperately want to be bitten. And it's fun to lash insults at the films, or correct grammar mistakes in the books, like me. What isn't okay is being indifferent. I encourage everyone reading this to take some side and make slanderous claims about the other, because that would be a really productive use of your time.