Mount Everest aka The Giant Ice Pile of Cold-Death is the most badass heap of rubble and icicles in existence…
Just The Facts
- Mt. Everest has killed over 210 people
- At over 29,000 feet, Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world
What's So Scary About a Mountain?
Mount Everest stands imposingly at over 29,000 feet, and by imposing, I mean freakishly terrifying, like locked in a room forced to watch a single episode of Yes Dear on repeat for eternity terrifying. Mount Everest, or Mount HugeCock Deathface as it is known as in climbing circles, already has racked up a body count of over 210 people
The Moutain Has a Body Count?
What is so hard about climbing the highest mountain in world? Well, average mildly retarded Cracked reader that you are, let me tell you. Base Camp, the lowest spot that climbers assault, and yes they really do term is as assault, like Chris Brown sans a taxi door assault, the mountain from, is at roughly 17,500 feet, an altitude where you have about half the oxygen you normally get. What does that feel like? Try breathing through a straw. It's like trying to suck a golf ball through a garden hose, just ask Daniel O'Brien, he'll tell you how it feels.
How do I climb to my death?
So let assume, for the sake of this argument, that you make it to base camp, somehow. Now, at 17,500, sucking air through a straw, you are at what is medically termed 'very high altitude'. You will suffer from inability to sleep for more than minutes at a time, frequent dizziness, extreme lack of breath due to your bodies inability to cycle red blood cells containing enough oxygen to your brain, and most likely horrible unending diarrhea and vomiting from the unhygienic conditions and lack of sanitation playing havoc on your altitude wreaked body. You are now also susceptible to wonderful things like HACE
, High Altitude Cerebral Edema, where for some crazy medical reason that we don't bother to understand, your brain begins to swell for no good reason and you can die anywhere between a few hour or a few days. Did I mention the only symptoms are disorientation? Like what you would probably be experiencing anyway? Wait, and also, you are so high up already, the goddam air can barely support a helicopter so getting out alive is a roll of the dice, not that anyone not cracked out on a (admittedly wonderful) combination of MDMA, speed, and V8 juice would ever want to seek medical attention from a Nepalese Hospital due to their healthcare being more worthless than Spiderman 3
Spiderman 3 sucked. Hard.
However, for the sake of argument, let us assume none of these awful conditions affect you (except for the frequent shitting and headaches and no sleep because I hate you). In order to ascend the freezing Olympus of Suffering and give God the big finger, you must reach five camps along the way, each higher than the last. Moving from Base Camp to Camp One requires you to cross the infamous Khumbo Icefall where you must cross a "moving sea of ice using ordinary aluminum garden ladders". The icefall is regarded as the most technically demanding part of the ascent as climbers must scale huge uncertain pillars of ice and sharpness and cross crevasses that can be hundreds of feet wide. And, the cherry on top of the piss-my-pants sunday, the whole thing is constantly moving, meaning, as some climbers can, (or at least could if they were still alive) attest to that as you are standing on the middle of a hundred foot ladder suspended above a gaping chasm the Indian tectonic plate might decide to push against the Eurasian plate and throw you to a hellish death of being impaled on ice spikes, similar to a really cool fatality in Mortal Kombat, except less funny because it's you.
Spiderman 3 REALLY sucked...
Once again, I will assume you made it through, via starpower or some Harry Potter bullshit or whatever, and you made it to Camp One. Next, you will have to traverse the Western Cwm, often called the Valley of Silence, presumably because you are far too afraid to speak when you look up at it. It funnels into the Lhotse (which I can only assume means Satan in Nepalese) Face, a 3,700 sheer face of glacial blue ice that progress at pitches between 40 and 80 degrees. I want to emphasis three things here; sheer, 3,700, and ice. Like, if you slip and fall, you will slide thousands of feet at a very steep angle, and probably not into a foam pit or Jennifer Love Hewitt's titties (you have to love them!). At the top of the Satan's Face, you are almost at Camp Four, and here you enter The Death Zone
. Above 25,000 feet the oxygen is so thin that your suffocating body can only absorb about a third of what it does at sea level. Your body essentially tells you to fuck off by producing a shit-ton of red blood cells, shutting down your digestive track, and making you heart beat as fast as Lindsay Lohan's after a two day bender of red bull and vodka's and drunk driving. The death zone is aptly named because it is so high up your body can literally not acclimatize to it, if you stay up there long enough you will die. By the time you manage to get this high, you have been climbing for roughly a month, up and down repeatedly, trying to get your body used to functioning at the insane altitudes, so you are massively tired, sleep deprived, and likely more exhausted than you have ever been in your life. You also have been putting up with temperatures as low as -100 degrees F and winds reaching up to 118 mph, hurricane force winds, as Mt. Everest is parked in the middle of a fucking Jet Stream.
So who HAS climbed it?
Amazingly, people have done it, most notably Sir Edmund Hilary and his Sherpa Tenzing Norgay
who first reached the summit in 1953, promptly shit all over it, screamed fuck up a couple of times to the sky, then wandered off to find some Tibetan hookers and 200 proof liquior (citation needed
). But by far the most obscene record is held by Ming Kipa Sherpa, a young girl who summated Everest at the tender age of 15. WTF. 15? Are you kidding me? This girl could probably play linebacker alongside Ray Lewis, and he would probably step carefully around her. Seriously, NLF Scouts take note, go find this girl because normal people cannot do shit like this.
In conclusion, do not go to, or near, Mt. Everest, ever, for any reason.