Dogs
A dog is man's best friend, if that man is really really lonely and/or doesn't own a computer. Dogs have been useful for mankind in a number of increasingly pathetic ways during the centuries.
Just The Facts
- The Canus lupis familiaris is a mammal of the family Canidae of the order Carnivora
- In english: The Dog is a mammal that is related to wolves and eats meat, therefore it can eat you totally or partially.
- According to archaeologists, dogs were first domesticated in East Asia around 15,000 years ago. This makes them the first animal to be domesticated by humans.
- There are an estimated 400 million dogs on planet Earth, with a few dog corpses in orbit.
- Dogs are better than cats. (Suck it Garfield)
Cracked on Dogs
Dogs are pretty smart animals, back in the Upper Paleolithic when different species were fighting for dominance they bet to the right horse and made friends with humans, both species have been together ever since. Although at the begining dogs worked for humans without asking for more than leftovers as a reward, with the passing of time their plans became evident and now it can be seen how it's us who do all the work as they pretty much slack off waiting to be fed or walked.
Through a careful breeding process we have managed to produce all sort of dog breeds. These can look so different from one another that if you didn't know what a dog is you would think we are just fucking with you.
Come on man, a horse and a zebra have more in common than these two.
Dogs' Jobs
Just like humans, dogs have to make a living, although, just like humans, most of them just stay home and let their parents (or in this case owners) do the working. Here's a list of some of their jobs:
- Actors: Rin tin tin and Lasie are the most representative and they are way more famous than you can ever hope to be. Even if you've never seen a Rin tin tin or Lasie film you must have heard their names and they are probably the best reminder that dogs can be better than people.
Had they had a puppy it would have propably been capable of talking.
- Police dogs: Do not pet these ones no matter how cute they look. Seriously they are mean. Some of them can also find drugs, more reason to stay away from them.
- Guide dogs: These have the most boring job on the list.
- Astronauts: There's a heated debate on wheter they are better or worse than monkeys for this job.
Other dogs
- Hot dogs: A popular edible substance. We hope the name doesn't have anything to do with their production process, although that would at least tell us they're made of actual meat.
- Big dog: A robot designed to carry stuff for soldiers and make one of the most annoying noises ever. We would just like to know what on Earth the designers were smoking when they named it to make them think it looked like a big dog:
- Dogpile: The art of piling as many people as possible on top of a single, misfortuned individual. Mostly unrelated to dogs, it's one of the best things in life:
Put a dog, a cat, and your wife in the trunk of a car for an hour. When that hour's over, open the trunk up. Which one is happy to see you? (DISCLAIMER: don't do this)
ReplyThe dog!=)
I think it's just that dogs are the only ones among those with no sense of blame. Cats are vengeful bitches.
QUIT FUCKIN' CALLING THEM THE AUGHTS! IT SOUNDS SO STUPID!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesUsing all caps makes you look stupid.
Aughts rule. Deal with it.
yea wtf.aughts are retarded
Too late man, long live the aughties!
It just sounds awful, it's true. We need to find a better name.
Dogs are better than cats. (Suck it Garfield)
Replyhahahah bout time someone put that furry f**k in his place, we all knew jon wasnt gunna do it
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@jammasterw - couldn't have said it better myself... waste of f*****g time. .
ReplyI know this Cracked,and I shouldn't expect much,but when did you start posting s**t written by drunken,dyslexic twelve year olds?
ReplyOh, get over yourself.
watch it I have dyslexia!
I always called that last thing a pigpile, not a dogpile. regional differences?
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Big Dog is f*****g creepy.
ReplyActually Canines should be admired for their ability to rapidly and drastically evolve even if it was at the prodding of humans, but they seem to be able to evolve faster than any other mammalian species.
ReplyThat's only because they have short generations and we keep prodding them.
@Captainmike: We should start tamming flies right away then. Airplanes are for pussies, I only fly with my giant fly.
BTW, the authors from Peru. Methinks he probably speaks and writes better English then you guys with Spanish.
ReplySo you can see the occasional itteh bitteh mistake...
Boo f*****g hoo.
Wolf = Spends every waking moment trying to survive, never more than half asleep in the freezing cold, having to hunt for every meal and always at risk of being blown away by a human.
ReplyYour Stupid Dog = Flops in front of the heater all day as nutritionally-balanced food is delivered directly to him. You call him a "guard dog" but you bought that shotgun to guard him and the rest of your stuff.
Survival of the fittest, my friend. Not the "coolest."
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In accord with other comments - amusing article, but does the concept of a spellcheck mean anything? I expect better for a final version of a document; sadly, any insightful comments are detracted from subconsciously as too many spelling mistakes bespeak ill education, regardless of whether that is true or not.
ReplyGood article, poor spelling - facts; how can this be argued with coherently?
I would like to see Cracked Ed. do a once-over on stuff to keep up the professional standards.
You want a coherent argument over a dog article?
...
Pah. Power to the Cat is all I'm saying.
what can I say man? I honestly didn't expect my topic to be published. I did it for fun and I never checked what I had written. Anyway, I'm editing now, just based on what people are mentioning, I don't really want to read the stuff I wrote. Anyway I still think having my topic featured on the front page is f*ck*ng cool.
andrassuri: No, not sensitive. I realize that the Internet is where quality goes to die. But take a look at the volume of comments about the failure of Cracked to do anything about the many, many errors in this article. OK, fine, you're ignorant and think the rest of us have a stick up our asses because we learned something in the 8th grade. Can you explain why it's a breach of protocol to point out that Cracked utterly fails every day to display the barest minimum of editorial standards? Or is it just that you feel threatened by people who remember their primary-school English classes?
Replysee my post below
cleb--
My problem is not with the author. My problem is with Cracked, which makes NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER to clean up their submissions. You can't even be proud that you're good at your own language, since I made it abundantly clear that my problem is with the Cracked editorial staff, and not the author. Douchenozzle.
For all those so much concerned about grammar: Some of us were born with the eternal curse of not being an American. Or from any other English speaking country. Like, say, the author of this topic page, who is actually from Peru (or so his profile tells us). So yeah, be proud that you are very good at your own language. Douchebags.
Replywow...very sensitive about grammar are we?
ReplyYes, I'm aware of the typo(Crackeed) in the previous post. I forgive typos. I don't forgive a COMPLETE LACK OF PROOFREADING AND EDITING. Also, I omitted the second misspelling of "Lassie." But then, who are you to complain?
ReplyCharlieSouth, it was more than your limited grasp of English revealed. And it's not a matter of the submitting writer making a typo or two. The point is that Crackeed DOESN'T EDIT OR PROOFREAD ANYTHING. Here's a list, omitting minor quibbles over commas:
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies1) [The, not "a"] dog is man's best friend,
2) Man + time = wolves LESS THAN Wile E. Coyote (WTF?)
3) ...there was a time when they played poker[;] we aren't sure when
4) CANIS lupus familiaris
5) In [E]nglish: The [d]og
6) Garfiled
7) Dogs are pretty smart animals[.] [B]ack in the Upper Paleolithic[,] when
different species were fighting for dominance[,] they bet [on] the right horse
and made friends with humans[.] [B]oth species have been together ever since.
8) now it can be seen how it's [we] who do all the work[,] as they pretty much
slack off[,] waiting to be fed...
9) we have managed to produce all sort[s]
10) Come on[,] man,
11) Rin [T]in [T]in
12) Even if you've never seen a Rin [T]in [T]in o[r] Las[s]ie film...
13) pupp[y]
14) pro[b]ably
15) Seriously[,] they are mean.
16) Some of them can also find drugs[;] more reason to stay away from them.
17) whet[h]er
18) misfortuned is not a word [unfortunate]
well, "a dog" vs "the dog" is man's best friend is sort of iffy. yes, "the dog" is probably more accurate, but since it mentions a single hypothetical man, a singular dog isn't entirely incorrect, so that one should get a pass.
the math is correct as far as the joke goes. sure, it's not a serious mathematical proof of the decent of the dog, but the idea works: dogs, with time (dogs + time), are going from awesome to retard (favoring the side of wile e coyote). so, dogs+time=(wolves
so, dogs+time=(wolves < cartoon). if they were trying to claim this was serious, then yeah, it's wrong, but it's not serious.
here's the deal: people have been commenting on the horrible lack of proofreading on this site for a long time. these comments have not resulted in any kind of improvement. at this point, if you cannot accept someone's intended meaning without focusing on each tiny error, you should probably leave. rather than having fun (comedy, it's supposed to be fun), you'll just be miserable here. do most of us notice the problems? oh yeah. I mean, the repeated spelling of "Lasie" sort of annoyed me, because who doesn't know "Lassie", but I understood what they meant.
As for your other comment, it's really ironic that you ask who we are to complain about your list being complete. well, you started the bitching.
Here's the thing. It's not about you illiterate readers who can't tell a gerund from a participle. You guys are deliberately hopeless, and proud of it. You're the guys who think LOL is a complete sentence. You're the guys who think 140 characters is verbose. I'm not concerned about you losers. You can f**k off and die, for all I care. (Please do.) The rest of us appreciate that there's a right way to do something, and then there's Cracked's way of doing it. Cracked employs people who ostensibly understand grammar, spelling and punctuation, just like the Big Boys at National Enquirer. These are people who got jobs not just for being funny, but for being professional. In the quixotic world where I live, "professional" means having having standards higher than the illiterate mopes who LOL at every dick joke they see. Nothing wrong with dick jokes. Your dick is a joke, and that's funny. Ha, ha. I get it. What you don't get is that the Internet is doing everything it can to reduce the English language to negative examples in high school text books. You're fine with that. I'm not. I'm better than you. Yeah, I said it. I'm better than you. Eat it, dickhead. I got a job because I know how to spell and form complete sentences. What do you do for a living? Make lame excuses all day?
oh and an honest inquiry: do we know for a fact that the writer of every article is the person that produces exactly what we see on this page right now? As opposed to, say, someone writes an article, submits, and somebody else transcribes it. But still, insults at someone who made, what, 3 words with an omitted letter, and 1-2 capitalization errors? Seriously? You've never gotten tongue tied? You've never slipped up in a text? You *pay* for text messaging. Let me know how much you paid for this prestigious website.
ReplyIf you write a topic page, what you write is what goes up on the site, right after you fulfill all the reqs and hit "publish." It doesn't go through any filters or someone actually *at* Cracked to write up. Oh well though.
Not quite, PSCrane. Although pages go live as soon as they're published, on at least some occasions the Cracked staff will do some editing before publication on the front page. The editorial staff probably should have caught the errors, but it's harder than it looks.
For example, I'm a professional magazine editor, and I have access to both a full-time copy editor and a full-time proofreader, and we regularly publish fuck-ups way worse than anything here. The bobbles in this article are relatively minor.