The Batman

Known to fanboys as The Dark Knight, Gothamites as the creepy rich guy that hangs with children, and the internet as The Goddamn Batman, Bruce Wayne has dedicated his life to fighting crime in the cesspool that is Gotham City.

Not to be confused with Jason Bateman movies

Just The Facts

  1. Latest film made a billion dollars during a global recession
  2. Apprehended thousands of criminals. Parents still dead.
  3. Kicking ass since 1939. Like Clint Eastwood.

Birth of the Batman

Bruce was born to Dr. Thomas and Martha Wayne, rich Gotham socialites. At the age of 8 after going to the movies, his parents were gunned downed by a mugger in front of him. After going through this life changing trauma, young Bruce was inspired to punish those that prey on others. The trauma we're speaking of is of course, the god awful Zorro movie that he had do endure watching.

With his parents' resources at his disposal, Wayne traveled the world, becoming a master in crimonology, martial arts, boomerang throwing, and general badassery. After becoming a one man army, and seeing first-hand the harsh realities of the world, Wayne went to the place that needed him most, back to the the USA. World's greatest detective indeed.

When he returned home Wayne executed unbelievable financial decisions with the family fortune and saw his net worth rise exponentially. This enabled him to have a fleet of tank-like sport cars, fighter planes, and submarines. Why he spent it on weaponry instead of fixing social problems that cause crime in the first place is a mystery. Probably because that wouldn't sell comics.

With wealth, good looks, intelligence, the abiltiy to kick anyone's ass, and no parents to tell him what to do, he instantly was the envy of every comic book reader.

Child Endangerment

Needing help to fight the criminals in his city, Batman decided to take under his wing a platoon of highly trained special forces operatives. But then realizing he didn't want to be upstaged, decided to go with flamboyantly dressed tweens instead. Batman uses these kids are used primarily as distractions, bullet shields, and hostage practice. Over the years he's gone through 7 different child sidekicks: 4 robins and 3 batgirls. He goes through children faster than a Catholic priest. A robin and a batgirl were killed (and later resurrected), 1 robin lost his parents after becoming robin, and 1 batgirl has been paralyzed. Don't you want to hang with Batman, kids? The 4 robins include an orphaned circus performer, a street kid that tried to steal the batmobile's tires, his next door neighbor, and his son raised by ninjas (Batman's such a great father figure isn't he?). The 3 batgirls include his cop buddy's daughter (some friend), a child abused daughter of an assassin (some therapy), and one of his robin's ex girlfriends who even spent some time as robin indicating possible gender confusion issues (again, some therapy).


Batman views criminals as being a cowardly and superstitious lot, which is why he dresses scrary. Remember this next time you get a gun pulled on you. Intimidate the gunman or put a curse on him. To go along with the run of the mill criminals, Batman villains include a distict attorney scarred by acid, a thief dressed as a cat, a thief that tells the police what crimes he will commit through clues, a corrupt businessman with an umbrella obsession, and a lady that talks to plants. So really Batman gets a kick out of harassing people with severe psychological disorders.

The mentally disabled that Batman so fervently beats are housed at Arkham Asylum. Where some madhouses have walls of rubber, this one probably has walls of styrofoam judging by the amount of escapes that occur. Considering how Batman has hung out on the moon, it is a mystery why he just doesn't put his captives there. Escape would be considerably more difficult.

His most iconic enemy is the Joker, a clown that finds humor in death, so really your average internet addict. He has killed thousands of people over the years, which kind of makes the death penalty sound like a moral necessity.

Gotham City

To go along with the off the charts homicide rates from various laughing gas/freeze ray/human alligator related deaths, in recent history Gotham has endured a deadly plague (twice), a 7.6 earthquake, then got kicked out of the US for that earthquake (?), and had a giant magic rock explode over the city. And you thought Katrina victims should have left.

Bat Signal

In order for the police to communicate with Batman, email or a simple phone call would not suffice. No, in order to be all mysterious, the police have to shine a light in the sky, pray it's not a clear night, and hope Batman just happens to be looking out his window at the time. And God forbid some crime goes down during the day. Even the 60s TV show realized the stupidity of this situation.

So after seeing this spotlight from his mansion on the outskirts of the city, Batman gets in his Ferrari rocket tank, barrels his way through traffic undoubtedly causing accidents of all sorts, until he gets near tall enough buildings where he can do his Tarzan routine. This consists of throwing a boomerang with an attached rope at buildings and swinging around. Being somewhat familiar with city traffic and the absurdity of the batrope, we can assume this trip takes about an hour at least every time. Meanwhile the crooks have already made it back to the hideout, the commissioner has been inconvenienced and probably caught a cold, and we still have to wait for Batman to get to that crime scene.