The Sims 2

'The Sims 2' was the long-awaited sequel to Maxis' 'The Sims', the number one selling PC game of all time. And by sequel, we mean the exact same fucking game.

Like this picture, the Sims 2 is a total taco-fest.

Just The Facts

  1. In this game, Sims can age and get pregnant (even the men!)
  2. Sims now have Wants and Fears that affect their emotional well-being
  3. These were the only initial changes from the first game
  4. Almost all 'simmers' are women
  5. All 'simmers' are sick and depraved

The Gameplay

The premise is simple: you are God. And as God, you must create your people, and then do with them as you please. Theoretically, you will marry them to attractive townies, fulfill their every wish and cheat them into giant pink mansions where they will never die or have anything bad happen to them.

What everyone thinks playing the Sims 2 is like

Most Sims aren't so lucky:

How to kill a Sim? Let me count the ways...

Drowning: An old classic from the original, lure your unsuspecting sim into a pool, and then delete the ladder. Sims are notoriously un-coordinated, and will not be able to shimmy back out before they fall asleep in the water like the massive tools they are. The ghost of this sim will be blue and leave trails of water.

Burning Alive: Any time a Sim who can't cook touches a stove, a fire will start. Throw in some flammable chairs and remove all the doors, and enjoy. This ghost is scary as fuck (red and smoking).

Electrocution: Appliances break every now and again in the Sim world. A nice simmer just calls the repairman. A mean one will have their poor little peon get down on their knees and try to fix it themselves. By poking the wires with a screwdriver. Without unplugging it first. The ghost is yellow and gives off sparks.

Starvation: If you can't figure this one out, you're pants-on-head retarded. The ghost will be transparent and hog your food.

Satellite: Yes, you read that right. Death by satellite. As in, your sim is innocently looking up at the stars, and the next thing you know they've been crushed and mutilated by a giant firey metal testicle. This death was invented so that even the sims with nice Gods aren't safe. The ghost is orange for no good reason.

Disease: If a diseased sim is left untreated for ten days, they die, dramatically clutching at their throats. Green ghost.

Eaten Alive: HOLY SHIT MAXIS. Almost single-handedly proving that these games are designed for future super-villains, you can have your sim eaten alive by flies. Create a huge, smelly mess until you hear the buzzing of insects, and catwalk your victim over it until they are devoured. Jesus.

Eaten Alive AGAIN: This time, you feed your sim to a cowplant. It's like the lovechild of the piranha plants from Mario, and GLaDOS from Portal, so you can add crimes against nature to the list of offenses. It lures in it's victims with promises of cake, then snaps 'em up and belches out their tombstone. Handy! Produces a light green ghost.

Scared to Death: At this point Maxis realized that the life of a sim is pretty fucking terrifying, and threw this in for good measure. As if the poor little pixels needed another way to be offed. To add insult to injury, they coloured this ghost bright, fabulous pink.

Old Age: Supposedly sims can die of old age, if they survive everything else. If they die happy, scantily clad women dance them into the afterlife. These women are named the Hula Zombies.

Sims can also be killed by hail, freezing, sunstroke, falling down an elevator shaft, being crushed by a fold-a-bed, spontanious combustion and OH LORD I am not making this up, the developers should just give it up and rename the thing Schadenfreude already.

Furthermore...

Still not convinced that Maxis and their drooling legions of devoted simmers are evil incarnate? Well maybe a little gay alien ass rape will change your mind.

In a feature you wouldn't expect from a none-Japanese game, your sims can be abducted by aliens after looking a little too hard through their telescopes. They are returned, eventually, kicked out of the ship, ass in the air, expressions of pure horror on their tiny faces. They then stand up and rub their behinds shamefully. Oh, and the men come back pregnant. WITH ALIEN-ASS-RAPE SPAWN. Traditionally the bug-eyed Sins Against God are seen as quirky additions to the family.

Oh, and remember that whole thing with the cowplant? Well, after the cowplant has eaten...Mother Teresa, say, it's utter gets all swollen with a liquid that is definetly not milk. Another sim can then drink this liquid right from the tap, and gets the memory 'Drank Mother Teresa'. And they will LIKE IT. Does not matter if this sim was their friend, mother or child: sims always enjoy cannibalism!

In fact, sims always love murder. Between the option to lead a life of crime, their willingness to keep cowplants as pets, and the occasional wants they roll to see the ghosts of still living sims (Real subtle Maxis: we all know what they REALLY want), death is practically the air they breathe.

So next time you scoff and say Sims 2 is a kids game, remember: somewhere, your sim is probably being raped by an alien.

The Expansions

Every few months, a new expansion for the game would be released, and female gamers everywhere would collectively fangasm. These are those expansions:

University: Sims can now get a higher education to become artists, actors, singers and other useless members of society (it should be noted that Sims can still become doctors and lawyers whenever they damned feel like it). They live on campus and throw parties and blah blah blah. More importantly, this expansion was the introduction to the cowplant and zombies. Zombie sims are smelly, pale, and lurch around the place as if their legs aren't fully formed. Theories abound that these zombies were in fact based upon WoW fans. This was also the expansion that introduced Lifetime Wants, so now instead of just ignoring their piddly little 'jump on couch +100' wants, you can piss on their dreams, too.

Nightlife: Although it's a shameless ripoff of Hot Date from the first game, Nightlife is arguably the best of the expansions. For the first time Sims have two things: cars, and actual sex lives. Sims have as many ways to have sex, or 'woohoo', as they have to die. Also: vampires.

Open For Business: For some reason or another, simmers really wanted to follow their sims to the workplace. This is Maxis' answer. Sims can open shops, restaurants or bakeries. They can also build fully sentient robots. There are some options on these robots that there shouldn't be, seeing as they can woohoo normal sims. Sexbots were, of course, the real appeal of this expansion.

Pets: Cut and pasted from Sims 1's Unleashed, the pets are less retarded and able to look after themselves this time. Which also means you can ignore them. if your sim gets bitten by the leader of the wolf pack, they become a werewolf. You may now engage your vampire and werewolf sims in battle.

Seasons: Exactly what the title says. Also, just to fuck with Mother Nature some more, sims can be mutated by bug spray and become sentient plants capable of asexual reproduction. Yeah.

Bon Voyage: Hilarious racism ahoy! Take a vacation down to Twikki Island (Hawaii), Takemizu Village (Japan) or Three Lakes (What America thinks Canada looks like). That's...pretty much it. But in their travels they can meet the Witch Doctor, The Wise Old Man, and the Yeti. But since you can't actually become anything supernatural in this game, simmers everywhere were looking at their plant-people-freaks and sobbing gently until the next expansion came out.

Freetime: Sims now have hobbies! Unfortunetly, most sims don't actually have time for hobbies so this turned out to be completely pointless. Again, no new supernatural sims, just a genie who shows up sometimes and grants your sims wishes.

Apartment Life: Because houses are for squares! Sexy young sims can move into sexy apartments and have hip parties with all their hip friends. They can also become witches. Maxis claims they researched the real-life practise of witchcraft before including it in the game, and what a good job they did! Because everyone knows all witches live in sexy apartments throwing hip parties.

Maxis also released several Stuff Packs, which are like Expansion Packs, but lame(r).

The Community

The same way child-molesters start to gravitate towards each other on chatboards, simmers began to build websites purely around talking and sharing stories about their sims. Pictures were posted, memes were created, and in-jokes that only simmers would understand ("Grimmy and Crumples, LOL!") fluttered across the forums.

Simmers also created their own custom outfits, skintones, hairstyles, houses, neighborhoods, mods and music for other people to download and use in their game. Want all your women to have huge bouncing racks? There's a mod for that. Want all your men to have huge bouncing racks? There's a mod for that too. Sim brothel? Yep. Queen Amidala hair? Yep. You name it, some simmer has created it.

Eventually, the simmers became bored of what was essentially playing dressup on the computer. And so they began to challenge each other...

Sim Challenges

Sim Challenges were invented as a way to keep the game interesting. Though the game itself is not scored and has no end goal, these self-imposed challenges did, and have since become the main focus of hundreds of simmers. Almost all of them involve torture in some way. Some of the most popular are...

The Legacy Challenge: Play a single sim family through ten fucking generations without breaking the bloodline. There is a score system, but it's so mind-blowingly complicated that no one pays attention to it. This is the most popular sim challenge, and mostly involves torture of the player themself, since these can take years to complete. Not that simmers seem to mind; in fact, many lovingly document those years for all the internet to see. Created by infamous simmer Pinstar.

The Uglacy Challenge: Exactly the same as a Legacy, except your sims exclusively breed with the ugliest pieces of shit they can find. The point is to mutate your offspring into the ugliest sim of all time. Aliens are almost always involved. Created by simmer Candi020765.

The Apocalypse Challenge: Also created by Pinstar, your sims have to survive a zombie apocalypse. I'm not joking. Because the world is in shambles, they cannot shower, they cannot use protection during woohoo, they cannot leave their home, they cannot eat more than once per day, and they absolutely cannot call for help.

The Bachelor Challenge: Create a huge, luxurious mansion, one man and seven women. Now, over the course of seven days, allow these women to compete for the mans affection, eliminating one contestant each day. In the end, one woman stands and her reward is woohoo with the man. Awwww. Particularly entertaining when their hearts all get systematically broken, they start talking to themselves and weeping at random intervals. Created by PA Vicky.

The Orphan Challenge: Step One: Create a single parent and two children, one teenaged and one a baby. Awww. Step Two: Murder the parent, and have the teen raise their baby-sibling all on their own. If the social worker takes the baby away, your sim now has a broken family and you FAIL. Who says tragedy can't be fun? Created by RealPollyMogs.

The Asylum Challenge: Create one 'Doctor', seven more sims, and a building resembling a BDSM dungeon. You cannot control the seven extra sims, because they are mental patients. You may only control the doctor, who is trying to complete their Lifetime Want before the patients become depressed and kill themselves (you lose points for every suicide/murder). Because nobody actually enjoys the Lifetime Want part, this challenge is played purely because people like to watch sims lose their shit. Again I say, 'schadenfreude.' Created by simscout.

In Conclusion

The Sims took the concept of a dollhouse, and turned it into something filthy. This has turned out to be the single most profitable decision in the history of gaming.

Is there nothing the power of boobs can't accomplish?