NFL Football

When you know you have reached the ultimate Sunday NFL experience.

shazam!

Usually a girl who always aspired to be a magnificent dancer... You nailed it, honey, keep up the good work!  Make momma proud!

Dedicated fans.  VERY dedicated...

Just The Facts

  1. For 17 Sundays of the year you can sit and watch what seems like an infinite variety of NFL games, pregame shows, postgame shows, and give yourself the excuse to get totally wasted.
  2. Totally fucking hammered wasted, I tell you. Seriously, if you don't put down at least a case of beer, a bottle of Dr. McGillicuddy's, and whatever your wife/fianc�©/girlfriend has leftover from the last time she hosted "ladies night", then you're a pussy.
  3. Also, for 17 Sundays out of the year you have a legitimate reason to ban your wife and daughters from the home for at least 10 hours. It doesn't matter if there's a blizzard and a zombie apocalypse going on, they're out on the street to fend for themselves.
  4. If you're a man and you don't know what a "safety" is, then you're gay.
  5. Very, very gay.

Attending NFL Games

Lions, tigers, and bears OH MY!

They meant to put "Tigers" instead of Bengals, how embarrassing for them.

When football season comes around, which is like Christmas to some people, that entitles you to pull out the old jersey to wear to every casual Friday at work, hang the team flag off the house, and be proud of the mob you represent. Seriously, a mob is "a disorderly or riotous crowd of people". For 17 Sundays out of the year you can go to nearest NFL football stadium and make a complete ass out of yourself and no one will care or do anything about it. You may get the occasional goody two-shoes couple who just finished their croquet game sitting directly above you that will complain about your repulsive behavior. But that's when you just turn around, flip 'em the ol' bird, and call them a twat stick for talkin' about you behind your back, literally.

So back to the mob... What else do you do when you're in a mob? You drink. You drink like there's no tomorrow. And "drink" as in the consumption of alcohol. No H2O in this plan, Bobby Boucher. In a study performed by the Beer Institute, the average person consumed 21.7 gallons of beer last year. What do we do when we go to a football stadium? We drink beer, except for those twat sticks mentioned before. So could these two things be related?... Nah, I didn't think so either.

Professional football games are also a good time to practice on your flirting skills. If you totally mess up and accidentally call a hot, suicidal girl ugly and unimportant, then don't worry. Not like you're going to see her again anyways.

And ladies, if a man buys you a beer at a football game, consider it a down payment for child support.

Watching NFL Games on Television

What point would there be to have a televised football game without commercials? Between the forty-second clips of actual football action you've got to have something to keep the people at home occupied. So why not throw in some commercials that may or may not have anything to do with those watching to make the folks laugh?

Commercial tip: Get some hot women to wrestle each other and your product will sell. Does not matter what the product is, it could be a giraffe pooper-scooper, doesn't matter. You gotta remember who you're advertising to here. Men who watch football are either single with little to no sex life or married with little to no sex life. So how else can they get that excitement and the adrenaline going? This is how:

Beer + Hot women fighting in a fountain that conveniently just happen to be there when the fight occurred - some of their clothing during the fight = Success, all the men are racing to the nearest liquor store that has a fountain somewhere nearby.

As surprising as it may be (and make sure to brace yourself for this one)... some women like to watch football too. And no, not only the ones that only wear t-shirts and jeans with super-short haircuts and have never touched a make-up bag in their life, but straight women as well. I know, it's a strange concept. Perhaps as strange as a dog and an elephant being friends, but it's possible.

See? I told you so.

And since these women "enjoy" watching football (still waiting for the scientific proof... if there is no scientific truth then it's not real, just like the speculation of the female orgasm), there have to be commercials that suit them as well. For some reason the commercial companies have to accommodate everyone. Annoying as hell, I know. Since when do we live in a school yard where everyone has to play nice and get along?

Ah yes, let the women chuckle amongst themselves thinking they're the clever ones. What they don't know is when it comes to football, a man will always be more clever.

Who's the clever one now?

You women go ahead and think you have all the power, yet we're the ones

that got you to put on the lingerie and tackle each other.

True fantasy football right there.