NFL Broadcasts are the best examples of magic in the known universe. How else could man take something that is supposed to last 60 minutes and use it to steal three and a half hours of your life?
We here at Cracked strongly suspect that NFL Broadcasts are actually the work of very powerful magicians. Think about it... for hours before the game you have old washed up players discussing what they think will happen and then after the game they talk about what we all just saw. And yet, we still watch! Now granted, non-football programming during the day on Sundays is about as interesting as watching PBS late at night, but still... Imagine if this paradigm were used in the rest of life.
"Hey Greg... I gotta feeling the preachers really going to rip into us today about tithing. What do you think?"
"Well Tom, I've been rewatching the tapes of last weeks sermon, and he does a good job of preaching to the choir, but I'm afraid he can't go deep (into the pockets) of the third row casual churchgoers. He's going to have to really pick up his game if he's going to make it all the way to Bishop this year."
"Sorry to interupt boys, but as a former Preacher I can really add something here. This guy can't play through the pain of his bible-induced papercut. I just don't think he has the mental toughness to pull it off."
Imagine If You Took Your "D-fence" Sign to Church With You"
So if you live in New England or Indiana you can pretty much count on a seeing a good football team every week. However, if you live in say, Northern Ohio you're stuck watching your shitty local team get their teeth kicked in. Remember, by virtue of you being at home to watch TV you are saying you hate your local team so much you won't go to the stadium to watch them... so you are punished for having good taste in football teams... by being forced to watch your shitty local team.
And you have to hear the commentators pretend that the game you're watching between the two worst teams in the league is a must-win game when really nothing is at stake except a better draft pick is coming to the loser (who will waste the pick on an overrated quarterback who won't last three years in the league anyway).
"And It Seems Some Fans in the Crowd Aren't As Excited About Thier 2-13 Team As We Here In the Booth Are." "Yeah, and Some Seem to Really Want to See a Player Named "Vince NBC."
Also, the announcers are so full of crap. Do you really think it's a rivalry when St. Louis plays Seattle? What kind of rivalry is that? Is there a large percentage of Seattlelites who live in St. Louis and have to put up with Rams-mania until the Seahawks beat them? No. Is there a geographic element between these two NFC WEST rivals? Nope. If the commentators want to convince us that there is some shred of rivalry between these two teams then they'd better be prepared to produce photographic evidence that Marc Bulger is banging Matt Hasselbank's wife. Doggy style, dammit.
And why the hell do people dance after doing the most basic football plays? Seriously, you just tackled a guy who ran six yards on your fellow defensive players, why are you dancing? Why is Fox showing me this while the commentator acts like it was the most important tackle since James Brady knocked President Reagan into the limo so as to escape his assassination. More importantly, why are you showing us this when there's cheerleaders jumping up and down not 15 yards away.
Yes! Now It's 2nd and 4 Yards To Go, Good Job Boys!
According to the Wall Street Journal, an entire 11 minutes of action happens during an NFL Game. That's right, there's 60 minutes on the clock, 4 hours of television broadcast and 11 minutes of action. Man, isn't football the most exciting thing?
So while the announcers are trying to desperately fill in those annoying 30 second gaps between 7 second bursts of actions, the networks are trying to figure out how to get the 7 million men watching football on Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with their families to watch their shitty family sitcom on Tuesday nights.
So some genius decides "Hey, let's bring in the star of 'Shitty Family Comedy' (Tuesdays at 8:30 on NBC) into the booth to promote thier show by showing football fans that they don't understand football."
Tom Arnold, Star of "Shitty Family Comedy" Says the Cowboys Can Win This Game If They Outscore The Other Team.
Okay, so everything else sucks. But the network has one last trick up their sleeves... Babes. Lots of hot babes.
Wouldn't You Like To Give Them 11 minutes of Action? (In 7 second bursts with 30 second rests between bursts).
Not too bad. What about some cute girls on the sideline to do fluff piece interviews with players that can almost communicate with others so we can see what it's like to play the game?
Yeah, Okay This is Pretty Good. Wait.
So the NFL plays the Babe card. But if you're watching four hours of boring as TV for some hot chicks, why not give Mexican Soccer a try.
Behold... MEXICAN CHEERLEADERS
Okay... So Mexican Soccer Cheerleaders Are Awesome, and the Announcer Does That Cool GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLL thing. No Commercials Either... But What About Sideline Reporters? Any Hot Sideline Reporters?
Oh Damn! She's A Sideline Reporter? Forget the NFL... I'm Watching Mexican Soccer From Now On.