Stephanie Meyer

Stephanie Meyer is the woman in charge of the brains of your youth. And she is slowly killing them.

THIS IS THE FACE OF EVIL! Kinda hot, mormon EVIL!

Just The Facts

  1. Stephanie Meyer is the author of the inasnely popular Twilight series.
  2. She is brain washing your children into believing that abusive relationships, stalking, pedophilia, and phycological dependence on another being are A-Okay so long as they love you.
  3. She may or may not be satan...

What you need to Know.

Stephanie Meyer was born in 1973 and is impossible to kill because of the sheer force of the crazy field constantly surrounding her. Her inspiration for her viral book Twilight came from a dream she had about a normal girl and a vampire Chililn' in a meadow. Chatting about how he crazy stalked her and wanted to eat her flesh. Y'know, normal stuff like that. And then she decided 'Hey, this would be a fucking amazing 512 page book!'

And then she wrote one.

Oh, I'm sorry. Have you not heard of this book?

Let's sumerize-

BELLA: I'm clumsy and plain and have no actual character outside of my love interest, but I read big girl books because I'm deep and intelligent.

EDWARD: You smell fanastic. I watch you when you sleep. I wanna eat you.

BELLA: O.M.G. You Adonis-like Adonis of love and perfection and beauty you! My eyes are unworthy of your presence! UNWORTHY! I grovel at your perfect (Adonis-like) feet!

EDWARD: Don't touch me! YOU SHOULDN'T BE AROUND ME!

BELLA: *mopemopemope* How dare you be so beautiful like Adonis.

EDWARD: I love you.

BELLA: *trips* I love you too!

EDWARD: Don't talk to me you dirty she-hag!

BELLA: *annnnnngst!* Damn you and your perfect statuesqe perfection that resembles that of Adonis!

EDWARD: Wasn't there supposed to be some sort of plot in this book? I mean... We're, like, 400 pages in and nothing has happened.

JAMES: Hey! Sorry I'm late! Ima kill your girlfriend now for no logical reason, kay?

BELLA: *selfless suicide attempt*

EDWARD: DAMMIT WOMAN! Did I tell you to move? NO! You don't move UNLESS I TELL YOU IT'S OKAY.

BELLA: Dont leave meeeeee!

EDWARD: I'll consider your request.

Wait for it...

Like. Twins.

Other Books

NEW MOON:

BELLA: ANNNNNNNGST!

The End.

ECLIPSE:

BELLA: I love Edward, and I love Jacob, what's girl to do?

LOGIC: Pick the one that didn't abandon and isolate you?

BELLA: NEVER! I choose my cold, marble, Adonis statue!

The End.

BREAKING DAWN:

BELLA: Let's have sex.

EDWARD: No. No sex for you.

*They have sex*

BELLA: AHHH! BABY TIME! *vomits fountain of blood* (No, seriously. She. Vomits. A. Fountain. Of. Blood. And then the baby chews its way out of her after breaking her spine. I kid you not.)

JACOB: *sees baby* LABIDO ALERT!

The end.

I'm pretty sure that she might have written other books, but I was to busy talking to my phychaitrist about vampire-induced trauma to read it.

(THE DEVIL I TELL YOU! THE DEVIL!)