Drugs

It's often been said the road to hell is paved with good intentions but whoever said that was wrong, dangerously wrong.  The road to hell is paved with drugs and the road to drugs is paved with marijuana that most vile of weeds. Before I discuss how pot works I must warn you of some potential risks besides being the bane of canines everywhere and losing your girlfriend to a straightedge E.T. marijuana can also result in you melting into your couch.  But, marijuana is still less dangerous than basketball so remember kids if someone offers you a basketball just tell them "nah man I don't smoke fools like you on the basketball court, I smoke weed."

Uh oh better call the dog whisperer before your dog narcs on you

Now the active ingredient in marijuana that makes it awesome is THC or Tetrahydrocannabinol now its important to remember to only consume THC in moderation as you have to be careful not to overd- wait this just in it's fucking impossible to overdose on marijuana so smoke up kids life's short.  Now there are two main variations of cannabis, indica and sativa as well as hybrids (a combo of the two).  Sativa produces a more energetic high whereas the high from the indica variety produces a more laidback mellow high; sativa is the "dude let's go smoke a blunt on top of that mountain" indica is the "dude let's toss on the Big Lebowski and rip the bong" kind of high.

Alright so you know the risks, you're willing to live with the baleful judgemental glances you'll be receiving from your dog.  Wait just one more second before you go running off to by yourself a bong and a United Pot Smokers T-shirt there's one more thing you should know.  Remember those sterling examples of moral fortitude and incorruptible integrity known as police officers?  You know who I'm talking about they've got that heart-warming motto "To protect and serve"; well you can go ahead and throw that little idealist notion right out the window.  You smoke pot now, you're scum of the earth.

So you finally got that job working at the pharmacy and you're looking around at all those delicious looking capsules thinking to yourself I'd like to swallow these suckers like they're M and M's.  Well good for you and thanks to the excellent resources available to you via the internet you won't even have to waste time trying those suckers out yourself.  Just go to one of the many fine websites (such as drugs.com, yes it's that simple if you need to find out about drugs just tye in drugs and throw a dot com on the end) where you can learn whether that pill in your hand is an antibiotic, an antidepressant, or something more up Rush Limbaugh's alley.  Need to stay awake but not quite sure you want to step up to cocaine why not try some diet coke (adderall, ritalin, etc.) it's sure to perk you up and remember it's FDA approved so you know it's the good shit, just don't forget to remove the time release before you put that shit up your nose.

If it's good enough for this guy it's gotta be good enough for you right I mean Rush Limbaugh would never steer you wrong.

Remember that soda Surge?  It was that ridiculously caffienated beverage that was a staple at childhood slumber parties; you and your friends would slug down that disturbingly green beverage and run around screaming at the top of your lungs and talking a mile a minute.  Man, I miss those times if only there were something that could make me feel that way again the thing is I'm also trying to watch my figure I can't drink all those sugary sodas they'll go straight to my hips and nobody likes a guy with childbearing hips.  Wait a second are you saying that cocaine will not only energize and make me talk fast but it also makes me not want to eat and I get to ut it up my nose?  Well I do love talking fast and putting things up my nose has always been one of my favorite things to do plus I know a buddy who went on the powder diet and he's lost like 20 pounds in two weeks (he's also lost his job, his family, his house, and his self respect, but he's thin).  

Sure this guy seems happy but imagine how much happier he'd be minus the second chin looks like a little cocaine is just what the doctor ordered and it just so hapens that this doctor is also a street pharmacist.

Bling Bling self-proclaimed crack smoking afficionado doing what he does best.

If there is one thing Bling Bling knows it's crack; if there's a second thing he knows it's alien abductions.  What seperates a normal crack head from a crack smoking afficionado you may ask; allow me to show you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsKema5Ob2E&feature=PlayList&p=4F488049842F3BF2&index=3

As you can see Bling Bling savors his crack hit like a wine connoisseur he admires the taste and samples the bouquet of the crack.  Bling Bling can identify the quality of the crack based solely on its scent and he makes the best out of the negative side effects of crack by hiding his crack rock in his mouth in place of one of his missing teeth.  Here is a man who understands that when life gives you lemons you should take those lemons and sell them on the side of the road to buy more crack because fuck lemonade right?  I mean seriously fuck lemonade. 

Ok maybe don't take it quite this literally but still fuck lemonade

What other innovations has Bling Bling brought to the crack game?  Well there's his ingenious use of his collar as a stash spot for his crack pipe although, apparently this innovation has not caught on with the rest of the crack community.  In Bling Bling's own words "only the Bling Bling" you have to wonder how the inability of his community to accept his new ideas affects Bling Bling's own sense of self-worth.  Then again I'm sure the crack probably helps with those feelings of inadequacy.

You to could look like this all you need to do is mix a few household chemicals together and smoke it.

So remember during alcohol prohibition people started making moonshine because the government decided that they knew what was best for people.  Ok part two of this little equation remember how whenever you complained about having to take history your teachers told you those who don't remember their history are doomed to repeat it or some shit like that?  Well our government officials must not have been paying much attention during that part of the lesson because after the complete failure of prohibition they decided that it was a good idea to keep waging that good old war on drugs or as many call it the war on personal freedoms.  So alcohol prohibition equals moonshine what have the ever inventive American people come up with during this oh so successful and rational war on drugs?  Answer, first we made crack and more recently we"ve created crystal meth a drug capable of keping a person awake for three days, causing intense often terrifying hallucinations, and making a person look like one of the California Raisins before the reach the ripe age of 30.  So here's hoping this war on drugs continues for a long time because just imagine the terrifying new drugs our children will invent and become addicted to.

I think it's safe to assume everyone on cracked is on drugs.

Hallucinogens are awesome, they open your mind to new ideas and they make the world look cool as shit. Whether it's LSD, DMT, Mushrooms, Peyote, or Mescaline they're all incredible and I can't say enough good things about them.

"Performance enhancing" drugs shrink your balls.  That's all I need to know about them to know that I don't need to know anything else about them.  Meth makes your whole body look like a California Raisin but steroids they make just your balls look like that and somehow that's far more terrifying to me. 

Fuck heroin that's all I've got to say about that.  Go out watch the movie Trainspotting and it'll tell you all you need to know.  Heroin is great for turning women into prostitutes or overdosing and choking to death on your own vomit.