Celebrity Chefs

Turn on your telly. Somewhere in the wasteland of post midnight drunken programming, you will stumble over one of these guys.

Something to eat while you watch the cooking shows.

Just The Facts

  1. An equal mix of food porn and shameless self promotion, celebrity chef programs effortlessly make you feel inferior.
  2. Male celebrity chefs are invariably loud, agressive, obnoxious cunts.
  3. Female celebrity chefs normally only have two qualifications - usually DD

Mario Battali

Most of the time, when you bite into your peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, all you can think about (aside from more enjoyable applications for both condiments) is the jelly running down your arm and the peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.

Charlie Trotter, a cooking LEGEND, whose self-named Chicago Restaurant is considered the fifth best restaurant in America, likens his hand at cooking to an improvised jazz session. That's right, he has the same talent for tasting and creating fine cuisine as a French sewer rat.

This would taste even better with more cowbell!

No two musical riffs sound the same, and no two food combinations taste the same. That simple belief is what Chuck's entire career is built on. "A jazz musician can improvise based on his knowledge of music. He understands how things go together. For a chef, once you have that basis, that's when cuisine is truly exciting." That's so deep, man. If only there was a way we could, like, get together a whole bunch of guys that know how to cook, and make some food-music. Like some kind of band. With food. And call it "Trotter's To Go".

Emeril Lagasse kicks it up a notch

Your boss is coming over for dinner, and all you have in your cupboards is $100 worth of Ramen and half a tube of Astroglide. Shit! You make your pathetic unimpressive noodles, when suddenly your fairy god-chef Emeril Lagasse pops up out of nowhere. Ramen's not bad, he tells you. All you gotta do is kick it up a notch, make it happy, and BAM! - suddenly you've got a dish that just might get you that promotion to janitor.

Doesn't matter what it is, Emeril knows how to wake up your mouth. He doesn't use big words like "chiffonade" or "quadriller". He lays it to you straight, telling you in no incertain terms how much he loves to roll his bologna around, and that he taught Julia Child how to suck the head of a crawfish. As long as you got some salt, pepper and a little bit of alcohol layin around (don't we all), you and Emeril will be best friends. Just a little bit of BAM! can make something as trivial as throwing cheese on your sandwich a life-changing experience.

Anthony Bourdain

Heston Blumenthal

Gordon Ramsay

Ina Garten

Martha Stewart

Giada de Laurentis