Bear Grylls

Bear Grylls; he'll eat anything, live anywhere, do anything no one else would do, because he FUCKING CAN!!! Would he eat a lizard for 3 bucks? Hell yea! Shove a hamster up his ass? You betcha! But why? Who is this mysterious guy? Let’s find out!

Bear Grylls was onece a zombie... but then he cured himself

Here we see bear grills attempting to fly. He actually almost had it! But at the last moment didn't manage to miss the ground. But being bear grills he just stood the fuck up and shrugged it off.

Here we see him succeeding. You may think he's using some sort of machine but he actually sprouted it out of his ass.

Just The Facts

  1. Bear Grylls has eaten over 3200 species of animals, 2436 of them insects.
  2. Bear has survived in every possible geographic location on Earth, as well as 7 on the moon and 2 on Mars.
  3. The "Grill," as his colleagues call him, is rumored to be made of stainless steel.
  4. Bear Grylls is the only person on Earth to be forgiven for punching the Pope.
  5. Bear grylls once shot a man in reno just to watch him die.
  6. When "The Grill" gets hot, he decides to take a niiiiiiice dip in quicksand. Sexy!
  7. Bear Grylls is modeling for the 2010 SI swimsuit cover while wresting a bear trying to eat his salmon skin bikini

Growing up Grylls

At a point in time, it was difficult to discuss the past of a figure as enigmatic as The Bear Grylls, Host of the ever popular show Man vs. Wild. But decades of rigorous research has led historians to some damning and exciting evidence about his past, before TV stardom. Through these findings, his life has become less of a mystery.

The bear in action. Sexy. yea. sure.

"Oh so mysterious"

It has been seen through various legends that The Bear Grylls has had several incarnations. Apparently his many incarnations include Hercules the son of Zeus, both Romulus and Reemus, Cleopatra, and Abraham Lincoln. His first incarnation was as the son of the Norse trickster god Loki. He was born was born to a poor woman with 14 children; obviously as some sort of cruel joke. Due to the fact that she could not care for another child, she abandoned him in the frozen fields of Greenland, where a feral she-wolf with one teat and 7 cubs found him. In order for him to nurse he had to fight off the other cubs. When he had finally defeated them the she-wolf took him as her own cub and breastfed him until adolescence. This then led him to become raised as the future defender of the world WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!!

Bear Grylls

"Bear Grylls"

Bear Grylls
"Bear Grylls"
OMG!! WHICH SAVIOR IS HE!?!?!?!
"Omigod! Which savior of mankind the whole FUCKING universe IS he!?!?!?"
As time passed by he and his immortal soul caused many important historical events to fall into play. In the 14th century, as an adolescent, he coughed on an innocent commoner. This commoner fell ill and eventually spread the first 50 cases of the bubonic plague. Later, he shared a drink with some Italian aristocrats, thereby sparking the Renaissance. Now you may deny our findings, but The Bear Grylls always has his trusty camera crew handy and we have recovered all of these videos! Just check out Ye Olde Yue Toobe. We swear this exists... just... what the hell.. just google it.

The Bear... Now and Later

The present of The Bear Grylls is much easier to discuss given the fact that he is on TV. He looks for the most ridiculous ways to get himself killed and fails constantly. He swims in quicksand, dives into glacial waters, flies above Everest in nothing more than a unicycle attached to a bicycle pump. Not only that, but he also became a zombie for a fair amount of time just to see what it was like. That's right; The Bear Grylls was a fucking zombie. He's been spotted devouring small children in Africa as while managing to avoid AIDS. He has a sweet tooth for hermits in South America as well as their unwed daughters, and an unfortunate Canadian and we're not talking about the bacon. (See John Candy) Also, bear is not just any zombie a survivazombie and immortal. Try sticking his ass into Resident evil 6. Luckily for his poor camera crew, he was able to cure himself before things turned into a 21st century Blair Witch Project for Sci Fi nerds. Yea... that's right. The Bear Witch Project.

Either way you have to admit that The Bear Grylls is bad ass. First off any parent whose child's name is bear either has a future TV adventureman or porn star in their midst. Second, any man willing to shove fire ants up his ass to generate HEAT. Props. Because you wouldnt see me doing that shit. You won't even find me in the Amazon. Or my backyard. Nope... He could have impressed me with backyard outdoorsman activities, but he went the extra mile. REAL LANDSCAPES! It's a desert! Not an overcrowded Arizona Walmart parking lot in the summer. Damn I was really hoping he would show us how to get from the very back to the front without dehydrating.

In the future the world expects big things from The Bear Grylls. There have been implications in the works that he may become the first human cyborg. He has a high possibility of becoming something horrifyingly similar to the terminator ergo using his ability as a seemingly harmless adventure man on TV to captivate and demolish all of mankind using only quicksand and a hamster. This of course is just rumor. It's safe to assume that he will simply be reborn as the new messiah, coming forth as a grown man from the loins of some unsuspecting transvestite killer bee in order to save the world from an oncoming meteor which will then implode due to his awesomeness, or a swarm of barracudas with wings. Or God forbid... someone divides by zero Watch out world! OH! wait... he cant die! The Bear ain't going nowhere.

Who's your daddy?

"Who's your daddy? That's right the Grill."

Sweet! 2012!!!

Thanks

we just wana thank InputNinja for all his stealthy ninja input. :D and also... Ajaxgreater. cuz... nothing is possible with out love.... friendship... bla bla bla... bla.