Doritos. Variety of flavours doesn't mean shit when you're eating crunchy chemicals

This guide should come with every multipack.

Just The Facts

  1. Doritos are small triangle corn chips flavoured to taste like something they're not. Transvestism in snack form, if you will.
  2. They are made by a company owned by Pepsi
  3. They feature heavily in advertising during the Super Bowl
  4. They're tasty!

A history of corn chips

We aren't that cruel. Instead of giving you fine people a history of everyones favourite snack (citation needed), we're going to check out some of the advertising campaigns that made a bag of Doritos the tasty treat it is today. Advertising is an important way for companies to lie get information across about their product. As with everyone else, Doritos does this in a childish way that appeals to people who like food, breasts and giant mice.



In a world gone mad, this could become the norm. Yes, this is one of the Superbowl advertisements for Doritos, created by a man with a dream. A dream of giant mice attacking people for chips. Worrying? Absolutely, but the point still stands that Doritos are fucking tasty! Obviously with Lays, the mouse wouldn't go to the trouble of exploding through a wall and attacking someone. We all know mice prefer corn chips anyway, especially with artificial cheese and chemicals thrown into the deal.

Face it, you'd buy this if it were an option. All of us would. It would be insulting not to. They've taken the time and effort to put alcohol into Doritos and you aren't buying any? You bastard! Ahem. Anyway, as promising as this advertisement seems, there is no such thing as Beer Doritos. Presumably, it was just a way of saying "We're already successful, we can air whatever the fuck we want, and people will still buy or product!" Touche business people. Touche!

Ever eaten doritos and had your tongue fall off? No? Well, you've never been to England. Ha, we jest, but apparently, these guys didn't know that Doritos contain very little to no acid when they made this commercial. Fucked up? Hell yes, but at least they didn't use any fucking soccer teams to advertise like Walkers did for 5 years.

If you don't know why this ad is awesome, you're blind. Come on, the guy gets hit by a bus! That's always funny, right?

Doritos: Magic triangles?

No, you're thinking of Bermuda. Easy mistake to make though. Doritos are most likely not magical. The main ingredients that go into a typical bag of cheesy doritos are:

  • Corn
  • Vegetable Oil
  • Cheese Powder
  • Salt
  • Buttermilk Powder
  • Wheat Flour
  • Whey protein concentrate
  • Tomato powder
  • Flavour enhancers (621, 627, and 631 obviously)
  • Onion powder
  • Whey powder
  • Garlic Powder
  • Dextrose (a G.I.Joe villain? Citation needed!)
  • Sugar
  • Mineral salt
  • Food acids (huh, guess that tongue ad was about right)
  • Flavourings
  • Spices
  • Colours (129, 150, 110)

Yes, quite a list of WTF's, but it's made all the more confusing when a quick internet search provides this as the list of ingrediants for Plain Doritos:

  • Corn
  • Vegetable oil
  • Salt

She is correct to look disgusted

Is it worth it?

Consider this. Eating a small bag of doritos is 10% of your recommended daily calories (140), and let's face it. Fatties aren't going to be eating a small bag. They'll be grasping the family bag tight to their moobs with sausage fingers. A family bag contains about 1200 calories. That's 100% of your recommended daily intake. You've had your days meals in that bag. That's it if you want to keep that schoolgirl figure! Hell, you'd have to jog for 2 hours and 10 minutes just to burn it off! THINK OF YOUR WEIGHT FOR CHRISTS SAKE!

Or become this guy (Fat Davros) and go get more doritos!