The Panama Canal

The Panama Canal is famous for running across the country Van Halen always sings about. Constructed in 1842 by the Roosevelt brothers, Franklin and Teddy, it serves as one of the quickest shortcuts in Mario Kart Wii.

Many newborn children pass through the Panama Canal every day.

Contrary to popular belief, residents of Panama have brown hair, not blonde.

Panama is known for its vicious pirates.

Just The Facts

  1. Though built nearly 300 years prior, the Panama Canal was not made famous until 1984, when 80's rock band Van Halen exposed its secret to the world.
  2. An estimated 14,000 sea-faring vessels and 26,000 merfolk pass through the Panama Canal every year,
  3. The Atlantic Ocean drains into the Pacific ocean at an alarming 114 trillion gallons per day via the Panama Canal. At this rate, we will have no Atlantic Ocean by 2050.

The History

Though rumored to have been created by an ox-friendly lumberjack dragging his ax, historians have substantial proof that the Panama Canal was constructed by the Roosevelt brothers after they bet Ulysses S Grant they could cut America in half. On November 3rd, 1864, the Roosevelt brothers completely cut Panama in half with the use of a Chevy truck, 16 feet of rope, and a chain-saw. Grant lost the bet and had to serve time as President so the Roosevelt brothers could go big game hunting. This day is celebrated in Panama as Seperation Day throughout the entire country.

The Purpose

Though the primary purpose was to protect the North American continent from illegal immigration, the Panama Canal serves many other accidental purposes. During spawning season, Merfolk travel from the Pacific Ocean back to their homeland of Atlantis to begin breeding. Traversing around South America caused many merfolk to become fatigued and either die or fail to breed. The Panama Canal made breeding much easier for the merfolk, and though many still die in the migration, the canal has assisted in maintaining a steady population of Merfolk, removing them from the endangered species list in 1976.

The canal also serves as the race track for the Cayuco 500, a race that all Panamanian boys must compete in to become men. The race is done with the use of Cayucos, a makeshift canoe made from the husk of a giant bean stalk. If the Panamanian boys can not finish the race, they are banished by their tribal leaders to the desolate lands north of the canal.

Perhaps the most important use of the Panama Canal is how it serves as a shortcut between the Atlantic and the Pacific. The canal offers passage to ships for 19 bicycle kicks, the nationally recognized currency of Panama. Each trip through the canal takes roughly 22 hours, but can last anywhere up to 4 days during rush hour. This transit cuts off over half a month of travel time for freighters bringing cargo from one side to the other.

The Future of The Canal

Though some suggest turning the Panama Canal into a giant water slide would yield more lucrative benefits for the country of Panama, most agree that its future remains concrete as a canal. Scientists estimate that by the year 2019, the Panama Canal will have been traveled through so much that nobody will use it anymore due to its lack of originality.

Another important factor in the future of the Panama Canal is the "Continental Rope," a giant lanyard that holds North and South America together. Currently, the rope is in stable condition, but rapidly deteriorating in quality. Experts must find a way to replace the Continental Rope before it snaps and the continents drift apart.