The 20 Best Blonde Jokes

The blonde joke. Why would anyone want to make a blonde joke? Ask any blonde you know. If you can knock the cock out of her mouth, first.

This is what happens when you get a dye job, imagine if her hair was naturally blonde!

This is the only reason we like blondes.

Just The Facts

  1. Blonde jokes were invented by brunettes, jealous of Marilyn Monroe getting to have sex with JFK.
  2. Blonde jokes are funny.
  3. They're even funnier because they're true.

In no particular order, because that would require some amount of work

  • Two blondes walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.

  • A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

  • A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

  • A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

  • Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?

  • Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?

  • Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?

Because they go answer the door.

  • What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?

Dead.

  • There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?

The Blonde, she was 18.

  • What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl?

The blonde girl's sperm count is higher.

  • Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?

Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

  • How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

You knock on the door.

  • What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

  • What do you call five blondes laying on a beach

A public access.

  • What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

  • What's the difference between peanut butter and a blonde?

Peanut butter is difficult to spread.

  • Why do blondes have more fun?

They're easier to find in the dark.

  • Why do blondes like tilt steering?

More headroom.

  • A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."


Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ...........

"Let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

  • A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up. You're next, you bastard."