Christmas

Christmas is the season of goodwill to all men and peace on earth. It's crowded, noisy and, in the end, depressing. But we fucking love it, eh?

Christmas Day through your life
Christmas Day through your life

Just The Facts

  1. Christmas was originally a pagan festival dating around 4th century in Germany. It was then known as Yule, which sounds so much better.
  2. It has since been absorbed into Christianity to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, but is also celebrated by people from many faiths
  3. Today, Christmas is celebrated by a lot of the world, but not all of it.
  4. Coca Cola invented Santa Claus (citation needed)
  5. Okay, they didn't invent him, but there was a rumour that they invented the image of the red suit, you know, for marketing.
  6. Christmas is now a capitalist holiday that is all about greed and money. It's still the most wonderful time of the year

History of Christmas

"Christmas is the most magical time of the year, more magical even than four bank holidays glued together and multiplied by Easter!" - Charlie Brooker, UK TV Comedian

Yule has been celebrated for a long time, but the first time it was noted down by anyone was around the year 730AD. It was obviously a winter festival celebrated by Pagans from Germany, and consisted of great feasts, yuletide songs and happiness all around. The traditions of Yule haven't changed much since being converted to Christmas, apart from the inclusion of Jesus Christ.

Today, we follow the same traditions (nearly) as originally carried out during Yule. We eat ridiculously vast meals, sing songs that fill the heart with happiness and drink ourselves into an early depression in preparation for the New Year that's looming on the horizon.

No, this isn't an attack. It's a celebration!

Santa

Santa Claus goes by many names around the world, such as:

  • Saint Nicholas
  • Kris Kringle
  • Father Christmas
  • Pere Noel
  • Baba Chaghaloo
  • Santa Klaus
  • Julemanden
  • Weihnachtsmann
  • And far too many more to simply list here

Santa is mainly known for delivering presents over the world to all the boys and girls. Of course, there are lot of skeptical people that say he doesn't exist, which is absurd in it's own right, but there are factors that they haven't taken into account, like:

  • Time Zone differences
  • The fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas
  • He has a reliable airline

We can see from these facts that the chance of Santa getting presents to all of his believers...is still pretty slim. But not completely impossible.

The real point of the Santa Claus story is to bring happiness to people at Christmas time. The idea is stronger than the embodiment, as shown in the film "Miracle on 34th Street", both the original and the remake, but more so in the remake. The end states that if the people of America can believe in God without physical evidence, and believe in him enough to print his name on their currency, then surely the people can believe in Santa as well.

"Where the hell is seat 12B?"

Safety First

History of this holiday be damned, we at Cracked realize that people celebrate Christmas in any way they see fit, such as sitting in front of a fire, singing heartily, or drinking in an alley, singing heartily. The festive season is upon us, and there's no way of stopping it. Even time travel is useless.

"Your services are no longer required."

So, time to bunker down and make a plan. Survival of the fittest and all that jazz. Grab a pen and paper, this is about to get wild!

Season Of Goodwill Action Plan

Things are going to get ugly, so the first thing everyone needs to do is buy gifts for their loved ones before the stores get clogged by wheezing, smelly people. (All of this can be avoided through the use of internet shopping, but since when should we trust machines?)

"Sir, you aren't fooling anyone!"

So, assuming you've finished with your shopping and avoided the sneaky bastard pictured above, we're ready to move onto decorating. For the correct amount of Christmas cheer, we recommend red and gold for wrapping paper, and green for tinsel (variety is everything when you're trying to blind family members with shiny objects). Now, you're ready for Christmas. Go to bed and await a visit from an old man who breaks into your house and leaves gifts, just to let you know he's seen you sleeping.

The 12 Days of Christmas

No, it isn't just a carol. The 12 days of Christmas start on the 25th of December and carry on to the 6th of January. So all that hulabaloo with Christmas adverts starting in November is a major miscalculation. Yes, we realize that it's so the advertisers get their point across that their item is superior to everything ever made and that you should buy it NOW, but it doesn't change the fact that they're starting way too damn early and it sort of kills the whole Christmas feeling by the time you reach Christmas day.

Nonetheless, we're determined to celebrate Christmas in any way we see fit. Some people spend it with their partner, making passionate love and exchanging gifts (not necessarily in that order). Some people decide that family comes first and they spend the season of good will with their loved ones. Nothing says Christmas like a house full of screaming kids and thousands of relatives you've never met and will probably never want to meet again.

Say hello to Uncle Jim. Quickly, before he kills us all!

Everyone knows the Christmas Carol. It goes something like this (obviously we aren't going to put the whole song, that would be insane. Instead we've included the last verse):

On the twelfth day of Christmas,

My true love gave to me,

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Eleven Pipers Piping

Ten Lords A-leaping

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Maids A-milking

Seven Swans A-swimming

Six Geese A-Laying

FIIIIIIIVE GOOOLDEN RIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

Now, we aren't suggesting that you give people you care about farm animals, vegetation and musicians for Christmas, but you get the idea about the song. Apparently each gift represents something in the bible, except for the Partridge in the Pear Tree. That's just a Partridge. And a Pear Tree. Now, it's acceptable that this song has its links to the theory of Christianity, but some of them are pure guesswork at best. Six Geese A-laying representing the six days of creation? Really? Comparing the idea of Gods work to geese laying eggs?

"I wish it were that easy!"

Cracked on Christmas

We aren't heartless. We know Christmas is a special time of year to everybody, whether they let on or not. You'll always meet the one or two people who say, "Christmas is a sham. It's shit!" but don't hit them and shout "WRONG!" just yet. Pat them on the back and give them a hearty "Merry Christmas! God save you!" and be on your way. They'll hate you for it, but they'll know you're right. Don't give them a reason to hate the season, force them to embrace it! Force them dammit!

Still, it wouldn't be Christmas without gifts (commercialism and all that, very touchy subject). So here is our gift to you. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Cracked to all you people out there.

Don't like it? Jokes on you, we didn't pay for this!