Strippers often wear body glitter and put great effort into thematic costumes and dance routines. This is because they are unfamiliar with the mathematic principal that dictates success in their profession.
The term 'striptease' was first recorded in 1938, though the word 'stripping', in the sense of women removing clothing to sexually excite men, seems to go back almost 400 years and was first recorded in Thomas Otway's comedy The Soldier's Fortune'(1681). After this point the term 'stripper' appears more commonly in literature. Men love strippers because they show them their boobs and asses.
Seriously they don't even have to have heads.
Strippers are sometimes referred to as exotic dancers, most frequently by strippers themselves. In addition to being forced to interact with goofy dipshits, strippers must perform complicated dance moves with their legs permanently spread 90 degrees apart. In one of the industry's only examples of synergy, the job generally becomes much less terrifying as it saps the young dancer's will to go on living
Common stripper "dance" moves include:
For each of the above moves there are different varieties. Simply add the word 'Reverse', 'Upside Down' or 'With Hair Toss' to the above to come up with new moves.
...you get the idea.
There is a formula to stripping that has withstood the test of time.
Take a self confident young female, spritz her with some cheap perfume, throw a few sparkles at her face and torso and then tell her to take her clothes off for a bunch of drunks. The result is a truly enjoyable experience for the drunks.
You can fill in the underlined sections above with any values and the result will still be enjoyable for the drunks.
Take a forcibly restrained young female, spritz her with some horse urine, throw a few bees at her face and torso and then tell her to take her clothes off for a bunch of drunks. The result is a truly enjoyable experience for the drunks.
"Where are these fucking bees coming from?"
But aside from the obvious fact that men love naked chicks there is also an art to stripping. And it's all in the presentation. The artistry is laid out in three phases - known as "sets".
The strippers will perform for 3 songs each of which encompasses one set..
During the first set they basically just walk around looking slutty - making sure to bob up and down every now and again as if they are in synch with the music. The only items of clothing removed during the first set are the feather boa, the see through skirt and veil, the silk robe or the shirt. The stripper will of course continue to make good use of the pole and the "dance" moves listed above - but they aren't very naked at this point and accordingly are not very interesting to her audience. Strip club bartenders generally refer to this stage as the "onslaught" as everyone takes the opportunity to freshen their beverage.
Things pick up during the second set when the stripper will eventually take off her bra or bikini top to reveal her boobs. This will happen about half way through the second set. For the second half of this set the stripper will play with the aforementioned boobs. At some point during the topless portion of this set she will approach 'pervert's row' (the seats immediately in front of the stage) and will lean over the crowd leaving her bare chest inches away from some degenerate's oily forehead. Note that the strippers eyes will be fixed on the far wall the entire time.
"I'm totally showing my tits right now."
Finally in the third set our stripper will get completely naked. This will take place with 45 seconds left in her last song. Needless to say the spread eagling is much more popular in this set.
At the end of her third set the stripper will be done with the stage but she will be available later in the evening (after she takes a smoke break and calls the babysitter to check on her kids) for table dances, lap dances or trips to the Champagne room.
Pretty much every guy in the planet has been to a strip club at some point (the staff at Cracked and the Amish being the chaste exceptions to this generalization). That said there are four basic categories of strip club patron:
In an odd coincidence three of the best (non porn) stripper movies of all time were released in 1995-1996. We at Cracked believe this will be Bill Clinton's legacy. There is no point in explaining the plot to these works of cinematic genius because, as far as we can tell, there is no plot to be found.
3.) Barb Wire (1996) - Pamela Anderson. Fresh off her successful appearance in the Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson home sex video, Anderson scored the lead role in Barb Wire. She was a bounty hunter or cop or some shit too. We don't really know because we only watched the first 30 minutes.
"Stop or I'll shoot...your load!"
"I'm warning you Willis, if Corina Devonshire escapes, I will personally stick my arm up you ass, rip out your heart, and stuff it back down your throat!"
2.) Strip Tease (1996) - Demi Moore. Certainly the biggest celebrity in our list, the filmmakers lured Moore into showing her boobies by giving her character a realistically down on her luck back story, the very same thing that ruined strip clubs for anyone who saw it.
Aston Kutcher was 17 when this was filmed. The lucky prick.
"Drop the knife! You got 'til three. One..."
"Suck my dick!"
"Whip the little fella out. Two... "
1.) Showgirls (1995) - Elizabeth Berkley. Yup - little Jessie Spano from Saved By the Bell was all growed up and is showing her goods in front of God, Screech and everyone.
"Fuck you A.C. Slater - I bet you wish you weren't gay now."
"It must be weird, not having anybody cum on you."
"You got something wrong with your nipples?"