Strippers

Strippers often wear body glitter and put great effort into thematic costumes and dance routines. This is because they are unfamiliar with the mathematic principal that dictates success in their profession.

Strippers have history's most consistently polarized approval rating.

Just The Facts

  1. Buying a stripper a drink will not get you laid.
  2. Looking a stripper in the eyes while she gives you a lap dance will not make her love you.
  3. You don't need to tell the stripper how amazing she smells - she already knows. See fact #2.

A Brief History

The term 'striptease' was first recorded in 1938, though the word 'stripping', in the sense of women removing clothing to sexually excite men, seems to go back almost 400 years and was first recorded in Thomas Otway's comedy The Soldier's Fortune'(1681). After this point the term 'stripper' appears more commonly in literature. Men love strippers because they show them their boobs and asses.

Seriously they don't even have to have heads.

Strippers are Exotic Dancers?

Strippers are sometimes referred to as exotic dancers, most frequently by strippers themselves. In addition to being forced to interact with goofy dipshits, strippers must perform complicated dance moves with their legs permanently spread 90 degrees apart. In one of the industry's only examples of synergy, the job generally becomes much less terrifying as it saps the young dancer's will to go on living

Common stripper "dance" moves include:

  • Pole Spin (Pole Climb, Pole Turn, Pole Flip, Pole Twist)
  • The Spread Eagle
  • The Spread Eagle (with added suggestive finger placement)
  • The Spread Eagle (with added dry hump of the floor)
  • The Slow Walk
  • The Fast Walk
  • The Boob Smoosh
  • The Bend Over and Look at the Crowd from Between your Own Legs

For each of the above moves there are different varieties. Simply add the word 'Reverse', 'Upside Down' or 'With Hair Toss' to the above to come up with new moves.

For example:

  • Reverse Spread Eagle
  • Upside Down Pole Spin
  • Fast Walk With Hair Toss

...you get the idea.

Stripping - The Winning Formula

There is a formula to stripping that has withstood the test of time.

Take a self confident young female, spritz her with some cheap perfume, throw a few sparkles at her face and torso and then tell her to take her clothes off for a bunch of drunks. The result is a truly enjoyable experience for the drunks.

You can fill in the underlined sections above with any values and the result will still be enjoyable for the drunks.

For example:

Take a forcibly restrained young female, spritz her with some horse urine, throw a few bees at her face and torso and then tell her to take her clothes off for a bunch of drunks. The result is a truly enjoyable experience for the drunks.

"Where are these fucking bees coming from?"

But aside from the obvious fact that men love naked chicks there is also an art to stripping. And it's all in the presentation. The artistry is laid out in three phases - known as "sets".

The strippers will perform for 3 songs each of which encompasses one set..

During the first set they basically just walk around looking slutty - making sure to bob up and down every now and again as if they are in synch with the music. The only items of clothing removed during the first set are the feather boa, the see through skirt and veil, the silk robe or the shirt. The stripper will of course continue to make good use of the pole and the "dance" moves listed above - but they aren't very naked at this point and accordingly are not very interesting to her audience. Strip club bartenders generally refer to this stage as the "onslaught" as everyone takes the opportunity to freshen their beverage.

Things pick up during the second set when the stripper will eventually take off her bra or bikini top to reveal her boobs. This will happen about half way through the second set. For the second half of this set the stripper will play with the aforementioned boobs. At some point during the topless portion of this set she will approach 'pervert's row' (the seats immediately in front of the stage) and will lean over the crowd leaving her bare chest inches away from some degenerate's oily forehead. Note that the strippers eyes will be fixed on the far wall the entire time.

"I'm totally showing my tits right now."

Finally in the third set our stripper will get completely naked. This will take place with 45 seconds left in her last song. Needless to say the spread eagling is much more popular in this set.

At the end of her third set the stripper will be done with the stage but she will be available later in the evening (after she takes a smoke break and calls the babysitter to check on her kids) for table dances, lap dances or trips to the Champagne room.


The Four Types of People Who Frequent Strip Clubs

Pretty much every guy in the planet has been to a strip club at some point (the staff at Cracked and the Amish being the chaste exceptions to this generalization). That said there are four basic categories of strip club patron:

  1. College Kids - These are the loud mouth jackasses who blast into the club with an ass full of attitude and 50 bucks. They buy 3 eight dollar beers and get one table dance then realize after a hour that they are out of money. At this point, they will be heard screaming about how lame this is.
  2. Businessmen - These are the guys who show up at the club in suits and are all together too serious to be at a strip club. They spend their time engaged in a futile effort to talk the strippers into sex. They leave alone and angry after dropping $400 in drinks and lap dances.
  3. Hardcore Perverts - These are the patrons who occupy Pervert's Row. They sit up front, don't talk, don't go to the bathroom and apparently don't bathe to frequently. They stay long enough to get a crystal clear image of the strippers burned into their brains. They are the only people who have ever ordered coffee at a strip club.
  4. Guys attending a stag party. These are the drunkest guys in the room. They too spend hundreds of dollars on lap dances and drinks, but frequently cannot pay. The bouncers will beat the shit out of these guys at nights end. (So stick around). A necessary evil in the stag party is the groom. The groom is the guy who at some point in the evening will end up handcuffed to the strippers pole with his pants down around his ankles. After several strippers use him as the pole for a few minutes there will be a moment of clarity in this mans eyes when he realizes he is standing half naked with a boner proudly on display in a room that has a 99 percent male demographic. The only exception (strippers aside) is the one woman who is there at the club with her boyfriend . Shame and guilt ensue.

The Three Best Stripper Movies

In an odd coincidence three of the best (non porn) stripper movies of all time were released in 1995-1996. We at Cracked believe this will be Bill Clinton's legacy. There is no point in explaining the plot to these works of cinematic genius because, as far as we can tell, there is no plot to be found.

3.) Barb Wire (1996) - Pamela Anderson. Fresh off her successful appearance in the Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson home sex video, Anderson scored the lead role in Barb Wire. She was a bounty hunter or cop or some shit too. We don't really know because we only watched the first 30 minutes.

"Stop or I'll shoot...your load!"

Movie quotes:

"I'm warning you Willis, if Corina Devonshire escapes, I will personally stick my arm up you ass, rip out your heart, and stuff it back down your throat!"

Awards:

  • Worst New Star Pamela Anderson (Won)
  • Worst Actress Pamela Anderson (Nominated)
  • Worst Original Song Tommy Lee (Nominated)
  • Worst Picture Mike Richardson Todd Moyer Brad Wyman (Nominated)
  • Worst Screen Couple Pamela Anderson (More specific: her "Impressive Enhancements") (Nominated)
  • Worst Screenplay Chuck Pfarrer (also story) Ilene Chaiken (Nominated)

2.) Strip Tease (1996) - Demi Moore. Certainly the biggest celebrity in our list, the filmmakers lured Moore into showing her boobies by giving her character a realistically down on her luck back story, the very same thing that ruined strip clubs for anyone who saw it.

Aston Kutcher was 17 when this was filmed. The lucky prick.

Movie quotes:

"Drop the knife! You got 'til three. One..."
"Suck my dick!"
"Whip the little fella out. Two... "

Awards:

  • Award Worst Actress Demi Moore (Won)
  • Worst Director Andrew Bergman (Won)
  • Worst Original Song Marvin 'Smokey' Montgomery (Won) For the song "Pussy, Pussy, Pussy (Whose Kitty Cat Are You?)". (Won)
  • Worst Picture Mike Lobell (Won)
  • Worst Screen Couple Demi Moore Burt Reynolds (Won)
  • Worst Screenplay Andrew Bergman (Won)
  • Worst Supporting Actor Burt Reynolds (Nominated )

1.) Showgirls (1995) - Elizabeth Berkley. Yup - little Jessie Spano from Saved By the Bell was all growed up and is showing her goods in front of God, Screech and everyone.

"Fuck you A.C. Slater - I bet you wish you weren't gay now."

Movie quotes:

"It must be weird, not having anybody cum on you."

and

"You got something wrong with your nipples?"

Awards:

  • Worst Picture (Won),
  • Worst Director (Paul Verhoeven, Won),
  • Worst Screenplay (Joe Eszterhas, Won),
  • Worst New Star (Elizabeth Berkley, Won),
  • Worst Screen Couple ("Any combination of two people, or two body parts", Won),
  • Worst Original Song ("Walk Into the Wind", Won)