Suits

One of the most formidable sets of clothing a man can possess, much about the suit remains a mystery...

Just The Facts

  1. A suit is generally composed of three to five main elements: a tie, a shirt, trousers, a jacket, and a waistcoat.
  2. Suits are known to augment awesomeness, classiness, gumption, fecal continence, and a wealth of other positive qualities.
  3. Garments such as wetsuits, drysuits, radiation suits, jumpsuits, space suits, superhero suits, and anti-zombie suits can be loosely classified as suits, but are considered significantly less classy than their more formal counterparts.

History

Ever since their creation by a committee comprised of Nikola Tesla, Theodore Roosevelt, Elbridge Gerry, and Jesus (Gerry being included mainly due to external pressure for bipartisanship), the suit has been a crucial element of modern culture. Though there have been a few chance examples of men managing to be awesome without the aid of a suit, there are no examples of any man having a recorded blood awesomeness content below 0.12 while wearing a suit. Additionally, empirical studies have shown suits to increase the wearer's BAC by up to 0.16.

After its creation by the aforementioned committee, it was decided that the suit held too much power for any one man to possess, so it was split into five parts and hidden across the earth. However, the pieces were eventually found with the help of an ancient map.
Which is impressive, because they were pretty well hidden.

Which is impressive, because they were pretty well hidden.

At this point, the suit became a classic symbol of power, fortitude, persistence, and awesomeness for men everywhere who were bold enough to wield it.

The Five Elements

Like the fifty states, the individual parts of the suit form its backbone. In other words, like three of them really matter, and the rest are pretty much unnecessary.

The Shirt:

An oft overlooked though crucial part of the suit, the shirt is good.

The Pants:

Come on, what are you gonna do, walk around in a suit with your junk out? Actually, I would deeply respect any man who could pull that off.

The Jacket:

If you can have but one part of the suit, this should be it. But don't do that, because who wears just one part of a suit? Douchebags, that's who.

The Tie:

This one is sort of a weird idea to begin with. I'd be interested to see the conversation by the inventors of formal wear that ended with "Fuck it, let's just tie napkins around our necks." Variations include wacky bow ties, piano key ties, loosely knotted ascots, one of those things that Willy Wonka wears, or any other kind of vaguely knotted object.

The Waistcoat:

Like the tie, but to a greater degree, this one's pretty irrelevant. Basically, it's pretty much just the jacket again, but without the arms.

Individually, each peace will just make you look like a douche, but when brought together, they weild great power. And with great power must also come great awesomeness. So the peices are like the five rings that make Captain Planet, except the outcome is good rather than... you know, Captain Planet. Also, The waistcoat is "heart".The whole is less douchey than the sum of its parts.

The whole is less douchey than the sum of its parts.