Shoes
Shoes are hollow objects that humans enjoy sticking their feet into as a means to keep them warm and dry, and to protect them from rough terrain. Interestingly, men and women have widely differing opinions on such a simple invention.
Just The Facts
- The first shoe was invented, presumably, when someone stuck their foot inside a rabbit.
- Their popularity grew as people noticed how shoes dramatically increased their running speed, which improved their odds of escaping mammoths and saber-toothed tigers.
- One week later, shoes became a valued fashion accessory.
Cracked on Shoes
Men and women have disagreed about the importance of footwear as long as there has been language. Figuring out why could very well unlock many of humanity's great mysteries. Psychology textbooks will tell you that men seek variety, while women seek stability. It is therefore logical to assume that nature is trying to balance that out with shoes.
When arguing about the utility of a shoe purchase, it is helpful for men to keep a simple mathematical relationship in mind:
Also, logic.
While only 38 percent of men own more than seven pairs of shoes, the average woman owns somewhere between "a shit-ton of shoes" and "a number of shoes so fucking vast it had to wait for scientific notation to be invented to be expressed on paper." OK, the average American woman owns 19 pairs. But still. Nineteen fucking pairs. And about one in 12 admits to owning over 100 pairs.
While men often don't get women's almost religious zeal for footwear, women often fail to grasp why men often times are incapable of giving one single shit about them, and sometimes, somehow, inexplicably don't notice shoes at all.
Shoes are easy for men to miss because they're as far away from the eyes as possible. Let's say an attractive woman enters a room with several men in it. (This has happened before.) In noticing the girl, the men will tend to go for the eye contact first and work their way down. But the path a male eye must follow between a girl's eyes and her feet is loaded with detours. If his eyeline makes it to the knee, that's typically a bad thing since there are several parts of a girl that male eyes are eager to explore. This is what makes the female obsession with shoes so troubling for self-centered males. A women could win the man of her dreams while wearing clown shoes over bulging hobbit feet. Guys won't notice.
Men will not be able to see them, but this girl is actually wearing shoes.
On the other hand, most women have a seemingly clairvoyant ability to see and appreciate a person's footwear, usually within milliseconds of seeing the person. This ability is so powerful, it apparently is unaffected by crowds, poor lighting, extreme distance, nakedness or the person in question entering the room while engulfed in flames. For example, if a half-naked android Daniel Craig walked into a food court firing an assault rifle, any women in the area would notice, in order:
- That he's wearing socks with sandals.
- His pecs.
- That he's randomly firing an assault rifle, and perhaps they are in extreme danger.
- That an android Daniel Craig is indistinguishable from the real one.
An assault rifle that shoots frickin' lasers, bitches.
I don't even know how many pairs of shoes I have, but that amount will never correlate with the number of damn feet I've got no matter what my fashion challenged husband thinks.
ReplyAfter staring at that picture for 20 minutes, I am convinced that she is not wearing shoes.
ReplyI have combat boots (necessary for school), Converse, and Vans. Oh, and slippers, I don't wear them though, they were free.
ReplyBrief poll for my own curiousity: To the men who are posting that they own one pair of sneakers and one pair of dress shoes...do your dress shoes actually fit you?
ReplyAlso that pic of Daniel Craig, I just noticed he looks really sad. All the time.
my dress shoes fit
They, well... um... USED to fit, yeah, for sure!
But you don't understand. I need different shape high heels with varying lengths and varying foot coverage so that if I get a blister in one pair I could still wear the other pair.
ReplyIf you wear shoes that arent actually torture devices, you don't get blisters.
True, you have to vary it up. I worked a shoe store and had to fit 70 year old women with hammer toes because they wore the exact same kind of heel (probably in different colors) to work every day for decades. Don't give you poor feet a chance to conform to one unnatural shape.
It interesting that this article has the power to make everyone believe we're all interested in how many shoes they own...
ReplyThis might be a wee bit exaggerated, but I'm not one to talk. Even when I'm broke (most of the time) I just Google "cute shoes" and save pictures of the ones I wish I had...
ReplyThe woman's flowchart makes perfect sense to me, the men's one seems incredibly depressing.
Replythe average is 19 but 19 is a lot guys. Its obvious there crunching together woman with 200 pairs and woman with 4. The media likes to go with the extreme obviously. Not all guys are horny douchebags but that's the perception right?
Replyfunny but not that accurate. and i know this site is not about accuracy :)
ReplyI'm a girl and I really could not care less about shoes. I have two pairs of flip-flops, two pairs of sneakers, and some furry, grandpa slippers (If those even count). This article is more like "How men think that women shop for shoes based on what they've heard on TV, in the movies, and from male stand-up comedians".
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesthats four more than me
More like rocking an average, which becomes obvious when it says the average woman has 19 pairs. Doesn't apply to you? Move on, that's why it's an average. I'm sure there are some men out there with 30 pairs and I don't give a fuck.
That's so interesting. You're so special and unique and everyone cares. Tell us more about your shoepinions. Tell us all of them. When you're a girl, are you ever a female? Do you wear the shoes you buy? What's it like?
Yep, same here. Two pairs of sneakers, one pair of flip flops, and two pairs of "formal" shoes (white and black). Not all women are crazy about shoes and shoe shopping. I haven't even bought a new pair in about two years, and that's because my old sneakers were about ready to implode into nothingness.
That is not near enough. Don't you wear high heels?
You should have included another chart, "How to decide if you should buy more basketball shoes: For Black Guys"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesInb4 racism
Step 1: Yes.
The end.
Replace buy with steal and you're golden.
Replace buy with steal.. I chuckled.. hilarious but awful and shame on you etc.
I'm just happy with 2 pairs of Vans (skate shoes and regular), 3 pairs of heels (heeled boots for winter, black dress heels, and regular, chunky camo heels), and just a pair of flip-flops or sandals. Hell, I could do without the flip-flops/sandals, as long as I have my heels and Vans!
ReplyI never understood how some women walk in those skyscrapers. But I've never really tried because I'd prefer not to look like a D-list stripper.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTrying more for a B list stripper?
At least a C.5
Practice and you can't wear them for too long. They are best to wear when you are going to be sitting a lot. I wear them because I am five feet tall and I get sick of the "You are so short" comments.
I'm a girl, and I'm guilty of having more shoes than I ever need (matter of fact, I have one pair that I've worn only once since buying them a year ago), but dammit, I refuse to be one of those sorry cases who has upwards of fifty pairs. Hell, I think twenty is pushing it for most people.
ReplyHAHA that absolutely was the first thing I noticed in the picture, although the situation might have been a little different had I been in the food court. But yeah, guys, we don't buy shoes for you. (The time spent getting pedicures/manicures, and putting on elaborate makeup? Also, typically, not for you.) That's for us. :)
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAlthough, I do think guys notice the affects of shoes more often than they realize, because high heels make a ladies ass and legs look a lot better. And I have heard of girls getting attention of a lot of guys because of their "presence" in the room, which has a lot to do with their walk, which has a lot to do with their shoes.
Nope. Tits and ass. It's a simple formula ladies, tits and ass.
@MC-Gingrich: As she pointed out, high heels change how a woman walks - they make said T&A a lot more prominent and can give that swaying-hip walk that draws a guy's eyes like nothing else. It's not the shoes themselves that guys like, it's the side-effects.
Disclaimer: I can personally attest to the fact that not all women like that boring, time-wasteing shit.
Oh, okay, so you women wasting hundreds or thousands of dollars on shoes and tittering about how f*****g vapid and shallow you are is the equivalent of men chugging beer and screaming about how the Raiders are better than the Giants and f**k YOU, s******d, FOR SAYING DIFFERENT, even though not one member of the Raiders would ever, under any circumstances, stick up for YOU. I get it now; all humans are pants-explodingly retarded. Thank you.
I can say these things because I am an asexual android.
It's such a fakey way to get attention. Once again, good looks shine through no matter what the accessories and you can't put lipstick on a pig. It's that simple. Swaying walk, f**k that s**t
Oh, c'mon, I'm a dude and I notice shoes...actually, I usually just notice them enough to put them into a category of: heels, flip-flops, athletic shoes or other. Come to think of it, I think that might just be because that's the order of how much each contributes to women's overall attractiveness.
ReplyI've come to believe that heels and gentlemen have a special relationship though, as such footwear ends up getting confusing as hell on occasion. I say so due to the fact that you'll, on occasion, get unattractive/overweight women wearing sexy footwear (not "cute", whatever that means when referring to shoes, I mean sexy, and thus I mean heels), at which point if one so happens to notice the footwear first the male mind responds almost instantly with the normal glimpse-of-an-attractive-chick reaction and snaps to attention...only to cause said gentleman to become disappointed or ashamed due to the fact that it was a false alarm and they were tricked. I did at one time believe that perhaps it was just me, but seeing as I'm about as god damn shameless an individual as one could hope to meet, I've discussed the topic with other males on various occasions and have received concurring opinions regarding the topic. (Hey, I know deep down inside we're all the same on some level, so I figure it can only bring us all closer together, as gay as that sounds, if we open up and converse about all the strange, quirky things we all do.)
Errr...having read back on what I just wrote I realize that that all kind of came off as sort of misogynistic and asshole-ish, so I apologize to any ladies out there if I offended you. I love all of you, regardless of shoe-wear. As a matter of fact you could be wearing no shoes, or even no clothes at all and I'd still value you as people, no matter how much I'd have to try to not stare at your boobs. Not that I'd know why someone would waste their time being offended by someone as unimportant as a random, faceless guy on the internet that chances are none of you will ever meet, but regardless.
needs more words
I hope someone programs the android Daniel Craig to act, and then goes back and remakes Quantum of Solace.
ReplyI have 40 pairs of shoes, and I'm 17. Boggles my mind how my boyfriend is satisfied with only 5, but I digress.
ReplyNot to get clinical up in here, but I have an answer. It's because men are taught that caring about their appearance makes them effeminate (possibly gay) and deserving of mockery and or violence from other, more dominant, men. Thus, they limit themselves to tiny nearly monochromatic wardrobes. Women are taught the exact opposite (not caring about appearance=masculine/gay and deserving of mockery and violence) so appreciation for clothing and its infinite variety and possibility becomes instant shared conversation ground (i.e. "I love that, where did you get it?!) and that's why I need a pair of T-strap heels.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSounds right to me, although there's obviously exceptions on both sides (ladies who don't care about shoes, guys who do). Also, if guys wore skirts they might need a couple more pair of shoes. Even a dude is going to notice if a girl in a miniskirt is wearing basketball sneakers.
Of course that sounds right to you two, because you're women and don't know what you're talking about.
I like nice looking shoes, and care about my appearance. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm gay. Yet, I still only own five pairs of shoes.
Being male I have to chip in here. I care about my appearance, and I spend a long time finding shoes I like, THAT SAID, it's mainly because I'm a size 13 (UK, or 14 US) so I can rarely get shoes that fit, and I don't buy a pair of shoes, wear them once then leave them until I clear my wardrobe out.
At most I have about two pairs of shoes I wear, one formal, one casual. Not 20 for each, 19 of which are either a size too small but purchased because they were in a sale or because they looked good, or will be worn once then deemed unable to ever be used again or too painful to walk in. It's your own damn faults.