Shoes

Shoes are hollow objects that humans enjoy sticking their feet into as a means to keep them warm and dry, and to protect them from rough terrain. Interestingly, men and women have widely differing opinions on such a simple invention.

Just The Facts

  1. The first shoe was invented, presumably, when someone stuck their foot inside a rabbit.
  2. Their popularity grew as people noticed how shoes dramatically increased their running speed, which improved their odds of escaping mammoths and saber-toothed tigers.
  3. One week later, shoes became a valued fashion accessory.

Cracked on Shoes

Men and women have disagreed about the importance of footwear as long as there has been language. Figuring out why could very well unlock many of humanity's great mysteries. Psychology textbooks will tell you that men seek variety, while women seek stability. It is therefore logical to assume that nature is trying to balance that out with shoes.

When arguing about the utility of a shoe purchase, it is helpful for men to keep a simple mathematical relationship in mind:

Greater than you. By A LOT.

Also, logic.

While only 38 percent of men own more than seven pairs of shoes, the average woman owns somewhere between "a shit-ton of shoes" and "a number of shoes so fucking vast it had to wait for scientific notation to be invented to be expressed on paper." OK, the average American woman owns 19 pairs. But still. Nineteen fucking pairs. And about one in 12 admits to owning over 100 pairs.

While men often don't get women's almost religious zeal for footwear, women often fail to grasp why men often times are incapable of giving one single shit about them, and sometimes, somehow, inexplicably don't notice shoes at all.

Shoes are easy for men to miss because they're as far away from the eyes as possible. Let's say an attractive woman enters a room with several men in it. (This has happened before.) In noticing the girl, the men will tend to go for the eye contact first and work their way down. But the path a male eye must follow between a girl's eyes and her feet is loaded with detours. If his eyeline makes it to the knee, that's typically a bad thing since there are several parts of a girl that male eyes are eager to explore. This is what makes the female obsession with shoes so troubling for self-centered males. A women could win the man of her dreams while wearing clown shoes over bulging hobbit feet. Guys won't notice.

Really. She's wearing something on her feet.

Men will not be able to see them, but this girl is actually wearing shoes.

On the other hand, most women have a seemingly clairvoyant ability to see and appreciate a person's footwear, usually within milliseconds of seeing the person. This ability is so powerful, it apparently is unaffected by crowds, poor lighting, extreme distance, nakedness or the person in question entering the room while engulfed in flames. For example, if a half-naked android Daniel Craig walked into a food court firing an assault rifle, any women in the area would notice, in order:

  1. That he's wearing socks with sandals.
  2. His pecs.
  3. That he's randomly firing an assault rifle, and perhaps they are in extreme danger.
  4. That an android Daniel Craig is indistinguishable from the real one.

An assault rifle that shoots frickin' lasers, bitches.