Alaska; if you lived here you'd be in hell.

There were other mitigating factors as well.

Apparently, they can fish for fucking rainbows there.

Just The Facts

  1. Alaska is the vast, primordial void that existed originally to be the center of all creation, until presumably The Creator sobered up and moved someplace warmer leaving a half created Eden filled with moose, bears, and snow people.
  2. Bought from Russia Empire in March 30, 1867 for $7.2 million (about 2 cents per acre) because the Russians felt there was nothing worth a piece of moose scat in the entire province; they were not entirely wrong.
  3. While nothing on the surface of Alaska is worth anything there is estimated to be over 11 billion barrels of oil hidden beneath the earth's crust, though recent studies suggest it is nothing more than 50 billion copies of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari
  4. The United States admitted Alaska into the Union as the 49th state in 1959 and never truly recovered.
  5. Alaska has ice, it is cold. Seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Chronic Depression, Suicide
  6. In Alaska one can appraoch and assassinating a bear it legal, however waking said bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is not.
  7. Sarah Palin is hot, and from Alaska.
  8. Alaska is inhabited almost exclusively by bears and moose...and more bears.


Ah, Alaska what can be said about this illustrious expansive neverwhere?

Having no bloody idea how to answer that question I began my search for answers. This, of course, led me to a trek to my local library...

Making my way into the cold darkness I quickly realized that I was far too lazy to walk the three quarters of a mile required in order to stumble into the hallowed ground of the library. Sadly, I left with no more knowledge then I came, except a vague feeling of shame and hunger.