When will it end?
Ladies and gentlemen, for nearly the past decade there has been a surge of evil growing and manifesting itself in front of our very eyes. Though we try to avoid it, it always seems to rear its ugly head whether we're in the car, at the movies, or relaxing at home watching TV. I myself have tried to ignore this evil force but I can deny it no longer. Every time I think it's dead, it comes back to life like a zombie, which after being filled many times by a round of shotgun shells, still manages to crawl on the ground in hopes of finally feasting on our brains. But what is this evil that I speak of? What is this Godforsaken mass that walks among us and tries to exist in our society--THIS!
...whoops! Wrong evil, I meant THIS!
THIS is what's plaguing our society, and unfortunately it has many forms as shown here:
But why should anyone care? After all they're just movies, simple works of comedic and fictitious nature right...WRONG! And shame on you for even considering these monstrosities as works of comedy. This isn't comedy; it doesn't even deserve the slightest giggle. The real (ironic) humor is that someone is being paid to make these movies and is/are getting away with it too. You'd think after the first flop the directors, writers, producers, executive producers, actors, celebrities, and movie corporations would finally understand that in order to make a parody GOOD it needs to be FUNNY and WITTY. That's right--witty, smart, intelligent, genius--these are the concepts that are somehow missing in this mathematical equation we call "parody." I remember when I first saw previews for Scary Movie, you know, the one that advertised on its posters "No mercy. No shame. No sequel." No sequel. NO SEQUEL. Obviously someone should've gone back and rewritten the statement so that it would read "no sequels and we MEAN it!" I'll admit I was overjoyed to see a parody released into theaters after what seemed to be a dry spell, and although Scary Movie did have some humorous perks the overwhelming majority of the movie was filled with so many crass and grotesque jokes/scenes that I could literally feel the Wayans Brothers shoveling heap amounts of garbage into my cranium and packing it down so that all the contents wouldn't spill it out. Thanks to the Wayans Brothers, they made my mind a dumpster for intellectual garbage and toxic waste, and it is thanks to them (again) that we have these sequels and "parodies."
Once Scary Movie 2 was released, which came as a shock to me because of the whole NO SEQUEL, I had wished that someone, somewhere out there in the sea of arrogance we call Hollywood would comprehend the fact that these parodies could be done well if given the proper time and talent. And thus came Scary Movie 3, which looked like it had potential but obviously someone was not paying close attention to the script so it was a swing and a miss. Sad to say this manifestation of evil was only the beginning and it wasn't before long until movies like Date Movie, Epic Movie, Vague Theme Title Movie started popping up. I began to wonder if there ever was a kind and loving God, and if so and if He did exist then why couldn't He send these movies back to the bowels of Hell where they belong.
The only thing these movies have going for them is one good laugh (or less), and the list of celebrities that have either star roles or cameo appearances. And by celebrities I mean sex appeal for the male community. I hate to admit it, but I think there is some ingenuity involved (or maybe these lovely ladies were in that desperate need of cash--hard to say). Still what Marvel fan wouldn't want to see Pamela Anderson dressed up as the Invisible Woman of the Fantast Four. However this poses a problem considering that Invisible Woman is played by Jessica Alba in the current series. Quite the competition. The solution: have Jessica Alba wrestle Pamela Anderson, both dressed as Invisible Woman, in a pit of chocolate syrup, which would end with the two of them making out--with the side effect of drooling geeks and bathrooms being locked for hours on end you perverted bastards you. But let's face facts; I don't pay $12 for a movie ticket and an additional $10 for snacks just so I can feel my brain implode and come out of the theatre thinking I just wasted $22 and two hours of my life. What's worse is that more movies as seen below--
--are complimenting other bad attempts of parodies or comedies. It's like a giant douchebag convention: people celebrating the fact that they think they're funny or witty and then realizing that they're all a bunch of douchebags. Surprise, surprise. The last thing we need is morons encouraging more morons to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. It would be like Scientology trying to resurrect L. Ron Hubbard. It wouldn't happen, yet Scientologists would try to prevail so they could finally accomplish their mission of new world order.
Here's the real kicker: there are people out there, like you and me, who go see these movies. What's worse is when they praise these movies, claiming they are "funny" or "made me laugh so hard I started to cry tee hee hee"--you're not helping society by praising these movies, in fact you're fueling the fire which destroys forests and environments, creating more carbon dioxide, which then melts the ice caps, and thus quickening the process of global warming. That's right--by enjoying these movies you are furthering global warming and killing off the polar bears, you assholes.
So what am I saying, I'm saying we have been silent for too long. It's time we take a stand, it's time we address our local authorities, statesmen, and government about the crime against parodies and comedies. We the people deserve better: we deserve a comedy or parody that not only makes us laugh for hours but allows us to think about the joke, reminding us we do have some intelligence. We deserve a movie to escape reality for a couple of hours, not vice-versa. It is time for change, change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the one we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. Because hope is not blind optimism, because nothing worthwhile in this country has ever happened unless somebody, somewhere stood up when it was hard; stood up when they were told-no you can't, and said yes we can. If we do this, I guarantee you that Hollywood will finally stop and listen to us, the people. And woe are those who try to defend these movies, these abominations. For all anyone needs to do is to visit their netflix or blockbuster account and rent a great comedy or parody like Airplane! or Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. And for those who don't they will suffer. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!" And I'll look down, and whisper, "No."
But I think it would be even more enjoyable if the cast from Tropic Thunder teamed up with Batman and brought who is ever responsible for these movies to justice. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch Spaceballs in hopes that my laughter will keep Mel Brooks alive forever.