I would like to dedicate this piece of literature to Brian’s colon. Brian, I really hope your colon doesn’t develop into a semi-colon.
As I walked out of the airport and into the afterglow of a Tennessee night, I felt a charge of excitement because for the first time in my life I was in the Midwest: the land of country music and good ol' heart-clogging BBQ. As my friend drove my two other comrades and I toward downtown Nashville, he inquired where we should dine for the night. Without hesitation, there was a unanimous cheer for White Castle. White Castle, the supposedly Midwest/East coast version of In N' Out. I have only heard about White Castle through word of mouth, and seen depictions of the establishment from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Conversely, I never knew what a White Castle burger tasted like, but tonight was the night. At last, we would devour the products that White Castle created. Our friend graciously bought us our dinner; each of us received five sliders with an order of fries, and a drink. Lacking impediment, our dinner was ready. As I took the first bite of a White Castle burger, I could feel the synergy of my taste buds with the particles of the burger coming together to form a resounding taste. It tasted like--it tasted like...oh my God this is f**king revolting. Here's the worst part: we KEPT eating them. Our pride would not relent at the fact that our friend had kindly paid for dinner, so the four of us calmly sat in the corner, eating silently what I'm fairly sure was the byproduct of some lab experiment gone wrong, hoping that one of us would reach a level of common sense, take these "sliders" out of our hands and say, "It's ok, you don't have to suffer anymore." Yet we kept on eating until our meal trays were empty; we never did learn from our lesson because two days later we decided to have McDonald's for breakfast. That very night in our hotel room, the bathroom became a recreation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki as we released what we believed to be the equivalent of "Fat Man" and "Little Boy" times four. Commencing there, every time we passed a White Castle, or if someone exclaimed, "Oh look, a White Castle!" The four of us would convulse in fear, and our digestive tracks would scream in terror like victims of genocide. So thank you White Castle, for allowing me to taste pure crap, and thank you Harold and Kumar for advertising for White Castle and for two unintelligent comedies.
Now I know the issue of terrible fast food restaurants has been brought up in the past (i.e., Supersize Me), but it's definitely time for change. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for a call to action. We can no longer sit by and be idle while people eat the counterpart of something pulled out of a dumpster or a portable bathroom. Think about it for a second: giant corporations are making profit off of people literally eating crap. People, we are paying money to eat crap. Paying MONEY, to eat CRAP. The final solution is upon us, it is time we exterminate that which is inferior (White Castle, McDonald's, etc) so that the superior fast food restaurants can thrive and multiply on their own (without turning into evil corporations). Sure sacrifices must be made, I enjoy the new sensation of a volcano taco over at Taco Bell, but if it helps make the world become a better place then so be it. Those who support these establishments, I pity you. I know there's someone out there who is taking a stand saying, "Hey, it's not the greatest fast food but it's definitely cheap. Besides the less fortunate can actually afford a bite to eat." Oh really Chad? Well thanks to these fine establishments, not only are we making their health systems become the quality of a DMV, but also we're slowly killing them. These fast food corporations are gradually murdering the less fortunate and any other sucker who can't realize the connection between high cholesterol and a heart attack. "But like, that is totally not murder, now the death penalty--that's murder." Oh is that so Brittany? We shouldn't punish those who have harmed innocent bystanders, but instead let corporations make income off of destroying a good chunk of society. Nice double standards, you stupid bitch.
At this point of my rant is where the vegetarians start to chime in, as they sound off their horns and toss their hacky sacks into their air. "We must stick it to the man, man! We need to get rid of fast food establishments once and for all. They're massacring cows, and animals, and other creatures of the Earth. We must destroy food that creates methane gas to prevent harm from our Mother Earth man." Great logic Bob. Now why don't you and your hippie friends go smoke a nice big, fat doobie while I aim this scud missile up your ass and blow you all to kingdom come. Just because you eat vegetables 24/7, does not give you permission to act high and mighty--you pathetic narcissistic gits. Read these words: quality fast food must thrive. Yes eating a burger at In N' Out is not going to make you lose weight, but at least your taste buds and stomach will thank you for the delicious meal. Deem it or not vegetarians; there are fast food restaurants that take quality over quantity. Hell there are even CANDID fast food restaurants out there. Take for example Heart Attack Grill, located in Arizona. There's an honest place: a fast food restaurant that clearly states that their food isn't good for you with explicit details. You don't see McDonald's or Burger King doing that, mostly because they would probably go out of business if they revealed their secret ingredient is horse manure. (I lied, it's actually pigeon poop). "But I eat at Subway." Good for you! Listen Subway and Quizno's, I'm on to your game. I know you're trying to promote a healthier choice from the bottom of the barrel, but somewhere along the way you sold your soul to the corporate Devil. "But I lost 500lbs. on the Subway diet!" Nicely done Jared, but why don't you come with me for a sec to a land called Jersey Mike's sub-sandwiches. Notice how all of their products are freshly cut instead of being stuck in plastic containers for days on end, with the probable chance that deep within each container something is rotting and making it's way into the sandwiches. Hopefully the next time I see Jared on TV, I'll see him going to town on a delicious chipotle cheese steak sandwich, just devouring it like it's the best thing he's ever had. He'll lick his fingers, look directly into the camera and say, "Hi I'm Jared, go somewhere else to get a sandwich like this douchebags." Amen brother! Sure he'll lose millions dollars for no longer being a spokesman for Subway, but at least his conscience will finally be clean.
We as human beings do not deserve this inhumane treatment. We must eradicate that which is vile and unhealthy and replace it with something that has more quality. We need more Fat Burgers and delis that offer us value instead of a "value menu." Of course we need our veggies and nutrition, but I'm not going to stand by and let someone try to get rid of a fine business because they sell meat. What I call for is a type of balance: we should let our consumers know exactly what they are buying, give them a choice between healthy food and food that is not quite healthy but still divine. "McDonald's offers healthy--" I will annihilate you, drag you back from Hell, and do it again if you complete that thought. I don't want fruit in prepackaged materials, laced with sugar, caffeine, cocaine, and chemical X. What I really want people to strive for is quality food. We as consumers deserve the best of everything, after all it is our money. So this is what I propose:
1) We decide which fast food establishments are worth saving.
2) Those that are not worthy, we will ransack and destroy every shop and office building that represents the company.
3) Those who do not change their ways shall be forced to wear a badge so they can be publicly recognized as bad food eaters, or "Booders" for short.
4) If "booders" try to resist they will be sent to health camps and forced to learn the proper places to eat.
I believe this Healthicaust will make people understand the importance of quality food. And as I sit here enjoying a nice order of animal style fries, I like to remind people that it is we who must take charge of ourselves. We must decide what's right and what's wrong. This is Democracy, and bad fast food corporations are evil tyrants that must be destroyed. After all, isn't that what our forefathers sought in this great land? To free ourselves from the shackles of dictatorship? They fought so that we as people may have the liberty and the pursuit of excellent meals. All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope, like the burgers freshly cooked at your local Foster Freezes. On a final note, should you have some curiosity or a desire to go to White Castle, just remember this slogan:
"It's like a party in your mouth, except everybody is committing mass suicide."