The Labyrinth

The Labyrinth is a 1986 film about what happens when Jennifer Connelly does acid with Jim Henson, George Lucas, David Bowie's Crotch, and a shitload of singing Muppets.

David Bowie and his Crotch

Not those kinds of Muppets...

THESE kinds of Muppets!

Just The Facts

  1. The Labyrinth is hailed as one of the all-time best fantasy movies of all time by geeks and nerds everywhere.
  2. Jennifer Connelly was disturbingly hot even at age 15.
  3. "You remind me of the babe." "What babe?" "The babe with the power." "What power?" "The power of voodoo." "Who do?" "You do." "Do what?" "You remind me of the babe."

The Labyrinth: Synopsis

Sarah is a fantasy loving teenager who's obsessed with a world of goblins and fantasy creatures. To the point of dressing up like a princess and reciting lines from a fantasy novel to an owl. Yeah the Twilight freaks have nothing on her. In the process of being a spoiled brat Sarah accidently wishes her baby brother Toby kidnapped by Goblins. Not one to disappoint, David Bowie and his Crotch arrive and wisk the boy away.

Gaze into my Balls

Of course Sarah, though still whiney, realizes she just did a very stupid bimbo thing and sets out to save Toby. But David Bowie's Crotch is not going to make it easy for her. Sarah is forced to navigate through the massive and ever changing Labyrinth. It's kind of like one of those old marble tilt games you used to play with except on crack. Sarah's forced through this in order to reach the Goblin City, where she can confront David Bowie's Crotch in the final showdown. Being a Jim Henson film (no official word on how heavily involved Henson's Crotch was behind the scenes) there are a multitude of weird puppety things both helping and hindering Sarah along the way.

The creepy puppets run the gamut from tiny worms to huge armored beasts. David Bowie's Crotch rules over all of them but seems to take special pleasure in tormenting Hoggle. There are many theories as to why this may be but the most credible is that Hoggle is at total eye level with David Bowie's Crotch.

Look at my crotch when it speaks to you!