Red Dwarf

The universe is strange: galaxies, nebulae, and sometimes a meteor bearing a super villain. The most unappreciated of these is the red dwarf star, the Vice President of the universe. You shall soon see, the red dwarf star deserves this reputation.

Either a red dwarf star or a meatball

Just The Facts

  1. Fire is awesome.
  2. Giant hot orbs are awesome.
  3. Somehow when the two come together, they are considerably less awesome.

Cracked on Red Dwarves

A red dwarf is a (obviously) a star, but is much smaller, so God can put it in his travel bag. He is very busy traveling around smiting philistines and appearing on toast, and always feels compelled to bring Jesus something home. He has put His poor son through enough after all. This is why the red dwarf star is the most plentiful kind star in the universe. This allows the red dwarf star to swarm on other larger stars, such as the average yellow, and the bitch of the universe, the blue supergiant. I don't know if you remember Jurassic Park (may God curse you if you don't) but the red dwarf star is a lot like the little green Compsognathus that ate an implausible number of unimportant characters. The average red dwarf is only one half the size of our sun, but not even the most massive of stars dare to mock them. This would ensure them the horrible fate of death by swarming stars, which is a little bit like getting burned by tiny cigarettes. To death

Red dwarf stars are like this, but with more alcohol.

Iike a red dwarf, but with less alcohol

The red dwarf star burns at 3,500 degrees Kelvin (.79 Megan Fox's) which is very cool for a star. In fact many other stars are terribly jealous of how cool these stars are. Leather Jackets. Lamborghini's. Slutty chick stars. The coolness of these stars is limitless. Because the red dwarf burns so coolly, its fuel is burned up much more slowly than that of other stars. This means that even if any larger star does happen to get away, the red dwarf will live on to crap on their graves and have sex with their widows.

How does a red dwarf star work? Like all stars, they use fusion, which has a lot to do with awesome science but little to do with turning Alfred Molina into a confusingly powerful super villain. Honestly, just because he has magic arms does that mean that he can now withstand a puch from spiderman?

Still just a scientist

still just a scientist

Fusion is like a tiny little atomic mosh pit, with all the little hydrogen and helium atoms whizzing around, and smacking into each other. Instead of merely getting bruises or their skull cracked open, the two atoms fuse together, releasing tons of energy and heat, like when two of the moshers hook up after the concert. This goes on for millions and millions of years (like a Tool concert) until all the material is burned out, and then the star dies a horrible violent death.

Despite all of this, the red dwarf star is desperately deprived of attention, as it only gives off one tenth the light of our sun. Why? We can't know for sure. Perhaps mother spent too much time at the racetrack, or father liked to wear ladies shoes. Whatever the reason, the red dwarf star lacks more self esteem than the Olson twins in a McDonalds drive through line. This is the best explanation for why they feel the need to gang up on other stars for minor offenses like mocking the size of their coronal arcs. Many believe that a support group would be more effective in terms of decreasing interstellar chaos and terror, but what with the downturn in the economy, this seems unlikely.

If you light this guy on fire he's basically a red dwarf star

Like a red dwarf, he has his own gravity

However, the red dwarf star is one of the most likely kinds of star to support life, which means that all of these neurotic fireballs now have the opportunity to pass their problems on to their darling children. So if earth ever gets invaded by self-hating aliens, you know who to blame. On the other hand, red dwarves often "flare" by which it ejects more steaming globs of star juice this side of the after party for a Lil' Wayne concert. Unlike the singing frog, a red dwarf's juice is made of plasma, which is extremely radioactive and deadly. These are two things that life forms do not tolerate (for others, see Cracked on Slipknot) and so most life would be reduced into a quivering blob of goo pretty quickly. This would explain why ET glows, has no hair, and can't seem to speak in complete sentences though.

Radiation can do some pretty bad things

radiation can do some pretty horrible things

I hope you have enjoyed this little foray into science today, although since you have chosen this particularly obscure article, I doubt you have anything else going on.