Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning is a great football player. But he's an even better spokesperson. He's the reason I watch Direct TV on my Sony television while eating Oreos and Gatorade and talking on my Sprint phone which I bought using my Mastercard.

Just The Facts

  1. Peyton Manning played college football for the Tennessee Volunteers.
  2. He has 4 MVP's and 1 superbowl ring while playing for the Indianapolis Colts
  3. He has two brothers. One is legally retarted and the other is named Cooper.

Peyton's Commercials

Sprint commercial

Christmas Mastercard commercial

"Take a hike" Mastercard commercial

"Rub some dirt on it" Mastercard commercial

Mastercard Pep Talk

A quick google search for, "Peyton Manning Commercials" would yield many more results. Peyton Manning has made himself the most marketable man in the NFL, if not all of sports in general. Tiger Woods used to hold that distinction until it became apparent he was diddling anything with a hole. Seriously, if it could be penetrated, Wood's wood did exactly that. I wouldn't be a surprised to see a half black, half asian, and half donut hybrid walking down the street. That's 150% fucked up. Peyton. on the other hand, is one of the good guys. It's always nice to see a superstar who's not so full himself that he doesn't take himself too seriously.

Peyton the Football Player

Oh yeah, the guy plays football too. Peyton grew up in Louisiana. His choices for spending his free time were wrestling alligators, playing football, and donning a white hood while lynching anything that didn't reflect light. Clearly he made the right choice. Peyton has so many trophies Jenna Jameson could occupy herself for the rest of her life. Some of his accolades include:

-1993 Gatorade High School Player of the Year (National)

-1994 SEC Freshman of the Year

-1995 First-Team All-SEC

-1997 Maxwell Award

-1997 First-Team All-American

-1997 SEC Player of the Year

-NFL MVP (2003 (shared with Steve McNair), 2004, 2008, 2009

-2005 Walter Payton Man of the Year Award

If you're not a little aroused after reading that list then it only stands to reason that at some point in your life you have been castrated. You might say, "He didn't even win the Heisman!" Yeah. Fuck the Heisman. Without Peyton Manning, the Colts are mediocre at best. The guy doesn't even huddle up. He walks to the line of scrimmage, flaps his arms a couple times, says hike, gives defenses the middle finger, then throws a touchdown. Peyton Manning's only weakness is that he has teammates.