NCIS is a crime drama centered around Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a badass marine sharpshooter turned Navy cop, and his colleagues as they make terrorists, murderers, and all sorts of interesting people cry.&&

If you're ever committed a crime on Navy property, there's a 50.9% chance this is the last image you will see before you die.

The current NCIS main cast.  With this kind of lighting, you can even make old men sexy.

The Simpsons' take on the NCIS main cast.  Yellow is not their color.

Just The Facts

  1. NCIS stands for Naval Criminal Investigation Service and is based off of a real life government organization.
  2. Like all crime dramas, the characters are either loveably quarky, immature, and/or have serious, unresolved mental problems.
  3. As of this writing, it's in its eighth season and is one of the most watched shows on TV.
  4. NCIS is a spin-off of the sucessful military lawyer show, JAG, except in this show all lawyers are realistically depicted as scum.
  5. NCIS now has its own spin-off, NCIS: Los Angeles, which makes LA out to be a sexy Beverly Hills beach town full of mansions.
  6. It takes on average a week filled with 14 hour work days to pump out the 42 minutes of the show you see every Tuesday night.

Every NCIS Episode Ever

Like all crime dramas and House episodes, NCIS has a standard formula that it tends to go by. This is that formula:

The typical NCIS episode begins in typical crime drama fashion with an on-screen murder or the discovery of a dead body (usually a marine or sailor) by an average person or persons otherwise completely unrelated to the rest of the plot. After the introduction, the scene switches to the NCIS squadroom, where Gibbs' crew, the Major Crimes Response Team; currently composed of an ex-Baltimore cop with commitment issues, a computer geek/author with confidence issues, and an ex-Mossad assassin with trust issues; are having a conversation that introduces the episode's subplot that helps flesh out one of the character's life outside of work, when Gibbs marches in carrying a cup of coffee - the liquid that pumps through his veins instead of blood - announcing that a body has been discovered and ordering them to grab their crime-solving gear.

The team, along with the rambling old medical examiner, Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard and his assisstant, Jimmy Palmer, arrive at the crime scene and point out how the poor son of a bitch died while the team gathers and photographs evidence. After they return to the squadroom, Gibbs begins barking out orders telling his team to get him credit and banking statements, to contact the family of the departed, and to go over the victim's phone records. With the naked corpse of the victim in the morgue's background, Ducky gives Gibbs a more complete version of how the victim died, along with a loosely related tangent about his action-packed life before he started having empathetic conversations with the people he autosies for a living.

"...and the moment the bullet exited my head, I heard God say, 'BOOM! HEADSHOT!'"

Half-way through Ducky's story, Gibbs gets impatient and leaves the autopsy room without a word to visit his replacement daughter, the caffiene-addicted goth forensic specialist, Abby Scuito. After a touching father - daughter scene involving Gibbs enabling Abby's addiction with caffienated soda to make her work faster, Abby tells Gibbs what forensic evidence she has for him while using technical terms that confuse and annoy the borderline luddite Gibbs. After Abby gives him the bottomline, Gibbs leaves Abby's lab and goes back to the squadroom to hear what information his underlings have for him. At this point, the subplot resurfaces and usually involves some funny dialogue to lighten the mood, which is completely unheard of in any other crime drama.

Lenny Briscoe finds your attempts at sarcasm to be as pathetic as your tiny testicles.

Then, using a system only he completely understands, Gibbs divides his team into pairs: one party going to interview witnesses and suspects and the other continuing the desk work. After that's done, they determine who the main suspect is from the information they have and bring him in to be interrogated. Since crime dramas have to last 40 minutes and not 25, this person is never the actual killer. Instead they provide Gibbs' team with a vital clue or the name of the real culprit, who the team then begins tracking. Surprise! The culprit is that seemingly unimportant asshole whose name you can't even remember from the first 10 minutes of the episode!

Abby will then call from her lab to tell Gibbs more caffiene-fueled science gibberish, confirming that the person they're chasing really is the killer. When they confront the killer, the culprit is given two choices: surrender to Gibbs or die. With the case wrapped up, the scene shifts back to the squadroom where they conclude the subplot with more humorous banter. This is the only time in the show Gibbs is allowed to give a sincere, non-sarcastic smile.

Special Agent-in-Charge Leroy Jethro Gibbs

Agent Gibbs is the archetypical, demigod hero of NCIS. Without him, all the characters would suck at their jobs, people would stop watching, and the show would be cancelled.

Like all good bosses, Gibbs never allows his subordinates to get within 7ft. of him without his permission.

Gibbs hails from Podunk Stillwater, Pennsylvania. After his mother rejoined the gods died during his teenage years, Gibbs got angsty and joined the U.S. Marine Corps because his father didn't let Gibbs touch his rifle (or something). While serving his country by devouring entire armies whole like the Leviathan devours ships in the River of Jordan and becoming a highly decorated warrior, Gibbs got married to his first wife, Shannon, and they had a daughter named Kelly.

This was the only time in his life when Gibbs could be classified as a warm-blooded mammal and not a war god.

While Gibbs was away single-handedly driving back Saddam Huissan's forces in a manner that would make Simo Hayha proud, his wife witnessed a drug-related murder of a marine and agreed to testify against the man responsible. While being escorted by a Navy Investigative Service (NIS) agent assigned to protect them, a stereoypically scary Mexican drug-runner named Pedro Hernandez shot the agent as he was driving, killing Shannon and Kelly in the resulting crash. After he returned home, he learned from Old West gunslinger/NIS agent Mike Franks that Hernandez had escaped any chance of prosecution by fleeing to Mexico. Franks covertly divulged Hernandez's location to Gibbs, who decided to channel his heritage as the son of Nemesis, Greek goddess of divine retribution, and followed and killed Hernandez. This decision would never come back to haunt Gibbs and Franks. [citation needed]

Following that incident, Gibbs left active duty and joined Franks as an NIS agent. Shortly thereafter, NIS would become NCIS, Franks would pass on his knowledge to Gibbs before retiring, and Gibbs would get married three more times to three more redheads. All of these marriages would end in divorce because Shannon was his one true love (because Hallmark and cheese rule the world). It was during this time that Gibbs would meet Ducky, do some covert ops, and bang his future boss, another redhead named Jenny Shepard.

Gibbs is a cold and calculating detective with little patience for average-person BS, tangents, or bureaucracy. He relies on his street-smarts and his intuition or "gut," as he calls it, to help him solve cases and often fails to grasp the techno-speak his underlings use. Like all cops, he has broken the chain of evidence, suspects' bones, and every other rule at least once. A self-described bastard; Gibbs treats his underlings in way reminiscent of how a drill sergeant treats new recruits. When they start acting like retarded monkeys, he will often give them a soul-piercing stare usually reserved for suspects followed by a slap to the back of the head. Despite all of this, Gibbs watches out for his team and friends and genuinely cares about them like a father that is impossible to please cares about his children. When he has to be, Gibbs can be charming and funny, but only to lure in women or get people who he can't intimidate or arrest to do what he wants. Gibbs spends most of his free time drinking bourbon, banging redheads, building boats in his basement, and banging the occasional blond and/or brunette in his basement.

Agent Gibbs is played by that guy you thought was a pussy from the show St. Elsewhere, Mark Harmon.

Senior Field Agent Anthony DiNozzo

Coming sometime in the future!

Junior Field Agent Timothy McGee

Coming sometime in the future!

Probationary Field Agent Ziva David

Coming sometime in the future!

Forensic Specialist Abby Scuito

Coming sometime in the future!

Medical Examiners Dr. Donald Mallard and Jimmy Palmer

Coming sometime in the future!

Dead Junior Field Agent Kaitlin Todd

Coming sometime in the future!

Directors Thomas Morrow, Jenny Shepard, and Leon Vance

Coming sometime in the distant future!