The Modern Ten Commandments

The ten commandments. Everyone knows them - Charlton Heston getting seriously pissed off, wild facial hair, the rule of fear .... But they do need updating!

Basically - you are screwed.

Short and sweet the new ones are.

What? They are not even in fucking English!

Just The Facts

  1. The Ten Commandments are God's rules to us all, unless you are Muslim, Hindu, Shinto, Pagan or one of 5000 other religions on the planet. In which case it doesn't matter - you will burn anyway.
  2. They were written in stone - so they are not terribly changable.
  3. The Jews have it worse. As usual.
  4. Charlton Heston looked boss with a beard.

Why Change them?

OK - they have been around for 3000 years. They work pretty well as a philosophy. But now, they are a bit lacking. Maybe it is the language, maybe it is some of the concepts, but they not longer seem to fit.

It is really a matter of emphasis. Unless you are in Wales, you no longer covet your neighbors sheep. Ditto San Francisco and your neighbor's ass. We really need to analyze and update these for the shiny new digital age!

Let us take them one at a time, and see what they mean today, and if they still apply...

Seriously girls, my rod is this big

Thou Shalt have no other God before Me

Note: Not an idol

What it Meant: The clue is in the title. God first and only. Everything else in second place. If God were mortal, I guess that would make him a sociopathic monster. As he is not, that makes him a sociopathic monster, Sir!

What it means now: Lets think about this. Honestly, dear reader, in your heart of hearts what is the most important thing in life? If you failed to say "me" you are a complete failure as a normal human being - and the church will be along in a second to either canonise or burn you.

Do we still need this commandment?

Yes. Putting something else ahead of your self interest, whether it be family, a vocation, or your guild is inherently noble. Pretty stupid, objectively speaking, but noble.

The Modern Version

Put Others First.

Thou Shalt not Make Graven Images

Technically this is a sin. And the pun should be too. Dad is gonna burn for your lack of taste.

What it Meant: Don't mistake the image for the substance.

What it means now: Our ancestors were a little dim. They needed to be warned that an image is not a person. Of course, we are now far too media savvy to fall for that. Spin, gossip columns and image consultants can not beat our intellects.

Of course. We would never mistake the image for the person

Do we still need this commandment?

Obviously. Check your local news for details.

The Modern Version

The media is full of shit. Treat them accordingly.

Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of the Lord in Vain

Hello, world!

What it Meant: Do not say God or Jesus in anything other than a respectful manner. Or you go to hell. Bit of an irritable sort, isn't he?

What it means now: Think of words, and the little formal politenesses as social lubricant. (No Timmy, social lube is not KY Jelly.) Without them, the entire machinery of society - not very smooth running at the best of times - grinds to a stop. You may greet your friends with "Yo, bitch!" - but you are not, unless you are from Louisiana, going to say hi to your Mom the same way. Unless you want to be slapped into next week.

Do we still need this commandment?

Fuck, yes. Definitely.

The Modern Version

Choose your words both wisely and well. Or shut the fuck up.

Remember the Sabbath and Keep it Holy

Oh, we do. We do.

What it Meant: Take a day to praise god.

What it means now: Why? It is only a day after all. Is it so important to lose 1/7 th of your potential time available for chasing those almighty dollars? (your dollar may be less mighty, depending on the economy/politicians/phase of the moon.) Well, everyone needs a break. Even evil megacorps like Apple understand that their wage slaves work better if they have time off once a week - they certainly don't give you a day off for charity!

Do we still need this commandment?

Not really. Though the most sincere praising of God happens every Friday.

The Modern Version

Scrapped. Keep on Earning.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

Please note: In some versions of the Ten Commandments, It states "Honor your father and mother, all the days of their lives." This is not a veiled hint that you should hurry up your inheritance. See below.

So, who can't stay out past 10 again?

What it Meant: Look after your parents and give them the respect they are due.

What it means now: You know your parents? Those old, slightly embarrassing people you have to hang around with for Christmas dinner? No, not the ones that get you lurid, ill fitting sweaters - that is your aunt and uncle. Yeah, you got them - the ones that thinking about them having sex makes you want to puke. Respect them. Or they might move in with you when they get old.

Do we still need this commandment?

A quick poll of parents revealed that yes, this one should stay unchanged, while a poll of teenagers gave a 93% majority in favor of scrapping it. Inertia (and the ones paying the allowance) wins - it stays.

The Modern Version

Their house - their rules. Respect that or leave.

Thou Shalt Not Kill

Not that good, that often.

What it Meant: Oddly enough, this is not a blanket prohibition. Bearing in mind that the tribes of Israel were violent invaders, the accepted view of this is it originally meant "do not kill unjustly."

What it means now: Who you shot today? One of your friends? Fine. Did you teabag their corpse? Burn.

Do we still need this commandment?

The second most ignored commandment on the list - but the one that prevents most cities turning into Detroit. Keep it.

The Modern Version

Killing is the last resort - unless they try to take your guns away.

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery

Hang on, why is this a sin again?

What it Meant: Hands off another dude's wife.

What it means now: Don't get caught with your hands, or anything else, on another dude's wife. Ex-wife, daughter, mother, son - those are still fine.

Do we still need this commandment?

Not really. Wives are no longer possessions, outside of Texas. They can make up their own minds who does what where. Then discuss it endlessly, cackle, and go alimony hunting.

The Modern Version


Thou Shalt Not Steal

But it is so much fun!

What it Meant: What it says on the tin. Don't steal shit.

What it means now: Well, most western cultures are still pretty down on this. Yes, we have our beloved anti-heros who are thieves, but most of the time you'll pull harder time for getting caught stealing than for murder. (The laws are written by wealthy assholes with bodyguards) The exception of course is the world of finance - there you are just proactively increasing your cashflow in an aggressive market. So if you have to steal - target the bankers.

Do we still need this commandment?

It helps. It would help more if everyone obeyed it though. Or just stole from the bankers.

The Modern Version

Stealing shit is not cool.

Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness

We certainly couldn't either. Two thumbs down.

What it Meant: Do not lie about your neighbor in court. That is all.

What it means now: A lot of folk, with substantially less understanding of human nature than God, have attempted to point at this as a reason not to lie. Yet a white lie is not harmful in itself. If it was, hell would have to open an annex.

Do we still need this commandment?

Yes. In it's original form. Tell the truth in court. There are penalties for perjury.

The Modern Version

Tell the truth when you have to. Other times, it's your call.

Thou Shalt Not Covet

We don't covet that. At all. Ever. The perfume isn't bad though.

What it Meant: Don't desire what your neighbor has.

What it means now: Sorry. This is just not acceptable. Coveting shit is what made America great. And greatly in debt. Your neighbor gets a new car - you burn with shame until you surpass him. A swimming pool? Better build an olympic sized one fast. A trophy wife? Covet the shit out of her. (See adultery for successful coveting of trophy wives)

Do we still need this commandment?

Yes. Because the cycle is as retarded as a bus full of slack jawed yokels driving through Retardsville. Wanting something because someone else has it is God's way of proving that we evolved from apes - and haven't quite finished yet.

The Modern Version

Envy sucks. Don't.