Bananas

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Just The Facts

  1. A fruit.
  2. Full of vitamin B6, vitamin C and potassium.
  3. Shaped like a dong.

History

Leading scientists agree that the banana was created by God on the third day. Man first started screwing around with bananas in Southeast Asia, making the domesticated banana one of the few things created in Asia that isn't horrifying. Today's domesticated banana is quite different from its wild counterpart. Wild bananas are full of seeds. So, in order to make them more suitable for chomping, a seedless variety was carefully cultivated. The wild, virile bananas are characterized by riding motorcycles off sweet jumps, their rugged facial hair and the gaggle of quivering females that constantly envelops them.

A wild banana. Source: National Geographic, July 2006

Domesticated, sterile bananas, on the other hand, speak with higher pitched voices, sit at home knitting all day and cannot reproduce without the aid of a corm, the small, underground stem of the banana plant.

Uses

Bananas are more useful than you are. First, they can be eaten. We suppose you could also be eaten but there are several moral quandaries involved in such an act and, frankly, we'd rather go play Xbox than have a drawn-out philosophical discussion. Probably because we're not fags, fag. Bananas can also be made into wonderful desserts such as banana cream pies and banana splits and they have their own bread, which is objectively delicious. Your bread tastes awful.

The banana is pleasing this woman in a way you never could.

In places like Japan and Nepal, the banana plant is used in textile production. Bananas can even to be used to make paper in two different ways: with the bark from the plant or with the actual fruit and stems themselves.

Trade

The export of bananas serves as an essential part of the economy in many of the tropical, developing countries where they are grown. The term "banana republic" has been coined to refer to nations where bananas are so important that they are worshipped as gods and games of "spin the banana" are used to fill all political offices.

A sacred banana statue. Why? What did you think it was?

In addition to all these things, bananas are also one of the most widely eaten fruits in the world and are an important staple crop in many countries. If we were to destroy all the bananas in the world and put a bullet in your head on national television, your death would be nothing but a small footnote among all the lives we destroyed.

Health Benefits

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then bananas will make him default on his student loans and resort to muling crack across the border, as bananas have twice the vitamin C, four times the potassium and at least twice the amount of most B vitamins, including a whopping nine times as much vitamin B6. In nutrition prison, bananas would be making apples their bitch. When they're not forcing other fruit to do things they will never forget, bananas work as an antacid, protect against kidney cancer and stave off the dreaded night-blindness. The consumption of bananas also benefits the cardiovascular system.

They help prevent hypertension.