Pimping is the act of making shit better. It makes women better by slapping them and making them available and it makes non-human shit better by making them tacky, flamboutant and by putting spinning shit on it for no reason.


pimped ride...

Just The Facts

  1. Pimping is the best way to meet women (and hit them) while making money at the same time. Also, if you are a street rat, you can fuck them.
  2. Next to being a drug-dealer it is the most illegal job to possess. However, it is easier to hide and easier to get politicians on your side.
  3. A person who does the pimping is called either a pimp if it is male, madam if it is female (mamasan if in the East) and fleshmonger or pander as non-gender specific phrases.
  4. The act of requisitioning a pimp is called "procuring" or "pandering".
  5. It is only illegal because Congress has a sloppy seconds policy.
  6. Even though I am sure rappers of the US know everything about everything (even joking like that killed me a little inside) it is a sign of being a lesser-pimp to fuck or "turn out" your prostitutes in any way. Even if you are Armenian.

From Slickback to Butters, a growing industry...that's what she said...

In the good ol' days, pimps were really old perverts who decided that instead of working or developing a trade that they would get children and sell their bodies to ugly adults because that was just how people of the dark ages did things and was most likely a hand-me-down from the shit-ages before that. Both genders were in danger because a 10 year old was still better than the weather-beaten battle-axes that were on the market back then who were all flesh-havens for bad breath, dying teeth, bad pores, broken vaginas from all the raping and baby-making, the dirt and debris that made nests of their skin, the rampant diseases and other shit that came from being dirt-children. Baths, in case you were curious, were an annual affair and the same bath water was used by the whole family in hierarchial fashion and all sorts of other fucked up shit akin to incest by proxy took place in the name of "hygeine". As if they needed proxy back then. So yeah, very much like everything else, pimping has awful roots from awful circumstances of an awful period that was filled with awful people. So, you know, fuck it.

The practice eventually fleshed out into being somewhat established over the years and by the Victorian Era was actually an organised thing. Probably because it was illegal. Prostitutes were sold in brothels instead of in the streets and there was usually a legitimate business to cover up and/or supplement the real transactions going on in the back (double entedre). Among many things to come through the years of development came protocol and a class system among both pimps and prostitutes alike. Pimps were conmsidered decidedly lower class and illegetimate if they "turned down" a whore becuase the fuck-wear, bad health, scars, drug dependency and mental instability (fucktardation) that resulted made them a liability and bad goods. The pimps themselves were also considered a liability and ruined business for the whole territory and were usually run out. Of course, there will always be bums who want to buy a whore but, why settle and run the risk of ruining business? Essentially, pimping was nothing like what the usual moron who daydreams about being Mufasa selling his den of hoes to the hyenas like to think becuase pimping wasn't an easy way out by this point but it was an underground industry. But then...

As shit broke down, the 1970's rolled around and the feather-capped, gold-toothed, purple-people-eater outfit gave way with the era of blackslpoitation. With the help of the holy alliance between the Far-Right and Hannah-Barbera cartoons the pimp was seen as the ultimate villain with a phone line straight to Satan. I like to think it was a big red phone in Hornswoggle's bedroom with the word "Dizzel" (get it? Devil in snoopdoganeese.) on it in bedazzlers. The Ghetto-Kids (I imagine a Fat Albert tribute courtesey of all of Queens) saw the image of a pimp as a renaissance man who uses a firm hand with a silky wrist to sell his hoes for the good of his gander. Or just the luckiest son of a bitch who doesn't have to resort working at a gas station or a factory or...something. The job was a way of stickin' it to the man, who in turn, wanted to stick it to a black chick. From this era congealed a poor man's pimping, probably because poor men were responsible for continuing the trade in such poor qualities. This does not mean that all pimps of black communities or in the 70's were bad in general, just the younger ones who were inspired by the hype inspired by tacky movies and Dick Dastardley. Praise Allah that we have high-end escort services that provide security and quality skin-products free of stretch marks and bad tattoos.

In the current era, pimping has come to be known as an adjective akin to "bitchin" or a verb which means to make something ghetto-fabulous. The good ol' tradition of jumping your own merchandise has lead to the slang term "pimp" meaning that someone is a ladies' man. And that doesn't make anybody an anthropologically retarded tool at all. Pimping has become such a shit storm of pointlessness that the only good thing that I can get out of it is a complimentary rim-job with the right phone call (more double entendre).