The Divine Comedy

Nothing comedic about it, nothing really divine either. Although it does sound like an amazing comedy tour with the late Richard Pryor and George Carlin, The Divine Comedy is an epic poem written back in the 14^th century. No one really knows what happens after death, though some cultures have had some idea (see The 5 Most Ridiculously Unjust Religious Afterlives). Out of these theories, nothing comes close to the most popular Heaven and Hell scenario. These two places would have never acquired the amount of popularity if it wasn’t for Dante’s epic poem.

Comedy? Yes. Divine? Not Really.

If you’re a Christian you know some of these things are actually incorporated one way or another into Sunday lectures. Or if you’re someone thinking about Christianity and Hell and Heaven have you confused then try this remedy: 5 Alternatives to Christianity to Consider. 

There have been several attempts to bring this tale to life, in several forms: a 1935 Silen Film, a 2007 puppet film, the Devil May Cry video game series,  and a new EA Dante's Inferno game.  None have really grasped the intensity, literature devices, and cult following as the poems have.  So, this is a quick little thingy on all three poems.

This poem begins with the protagonist, Dante, traveling along a forest for some unexplainable reason. There he encounters a lion, leopard, and a she-wolf, finally meeting his guide Virgil. Virgil was an amazing poet from 70BCE – 9BCE, several thousands of years before Dante lived. Virgil still remains as one of Italy’s pimpest poets. His Aeneid is Rome’s national epic, so it was apt for Dante to use him as a guide.

Back when poetry was important

There's a special place in hell for poeple like that

Gluttony at its best

You know it was coming...

The Ninth Circle is home of the Treacherous. So naturally, Satan, the biggest treachery against God is at the center.   In his mouth are Brutus, Cassious, and Judas, all involved with the murder of J.C. (Julius Ceaser and/or Jesus Christ). They are eternally tortured like three delicious meatballs covered in bacon.

The allegory of Purgatory follows Dante and Virgil’s adventures out of Hell and up the mountain of Purgatory, which is supposed to be a direct antipode for Jerusalem.  Curently, there is no such mountin there, although there is a similar one in Disneyland. The souls here have repented in their lives and are waiting for their next available spot in heaven. The upper mountain is divided by 7 terraces, corresponding to the 7 deadly sins; let’s use visual representation...with some of Disney's 7 dwarfs.

Purgatory: Disnelyland Map Edition

Virgil then leaves, and Dante’s next guide is his life’s love, Beatrice, whom one can safely assume is a smoking-hot spirit since no man would dare to embark on such a journey if they didn’t expect anything in return. Dante then drinks from the River Lethe, it is some sort of amazing liquor since it makes the soul forget all the past sins. Then it is followed by an equally amazing hangover cure which renews the memory of only good deed. Then they are ready for Paradiso.

At first glance, paradise may seem like a Garden of Eden place where beautiful men and women walk around naked, eating and drinking whatever they want, but Dante again divides it into different parts, making it even more difficult to get in.

The First Sphere of the Moon is for the souls who abandoned their vows but where deficient in fortitude, or deficient in growing balls and facing problems.  The Second Sphere of Mercury is for the souls who did good things out of fame but didn't have enough Justice.  The Thrid Spere of Venus is for those who did good things out of love but didn't have enough temperance (moderation).

The Eight Sphere is of the Church Triumphant, like Jesus and Mary. The Ninth Sphere is the center where Angels hang out. Past that sphere is the much sought “Beyond” section, where God is (or something equivalent to God depending on your views). Here Dante is so overwhelmed by everything that the poem ends and he has to go back to his crappy life in 1300s Italy.