Kate Gosselin

A source has reported that Kate Gosselin has filed a suit against her soon-to-be-ex husband, Jon Gosselin, for one count of physical and one count of psychological abuse.

Just The Facts

  1. Kate Gosselin is the ball-busting neurotic mother of 8 children, all of them Asian.
  2. Her hair looks like a narwhal and a porcupine climbed onto her head and started fucking.
  3. Kate Gosselin should probably be shot before she sucks taxpayers completely dry mooching charity money for her radical reconstructive surgery.
  4. If TLC had slums, the show would... Actually, be quite borgeousie.
  5. Kate Gosselin is NOT a bitch! Bitches are irritating, nasty, and conniving... but have the looks to get away with it.
  6. By that definiton, Kate Gosselin is a cunt.

Jon Minus Nine: Trouble in Paradise

Considering her public portrayal of the "good mom" in the divorce, Kate was reluctant to make any aggressive moves against estranged husband Jon, for fear of losing sympathy gained solely by his douchebaggery in recent weeks.

Kate initally gained money and fame by the notoriety of her show, Jon and Kate Plus Eight, which is an epic tragicomedy about the rise and fall of human civilization through the overdevelopment of our scientific abilities and lack of regard for natural limits. However, to the unsophisticated, it may just appear to be about a neurotic couple who were unable to perform the relatively straightforward task of combining sperm with eggs without the help of a highly skilled fertility doctor.

After ignoring any and all advice from her husband or physician, Kate decided to pop out 6 children at once. After a time, she began to realize that 8 children are more expensive to support than 2.

Like any good parents, they decided the best option for the children was not to work toward a better paying job or even apply for a charity program to support the offspring of retarded parents, but to quit whatever work they were doing and exploit the babies on camera full-time.

However, taxpayers, know this. If she can afford to spend tens of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery and luxurious housing without doing anything, somehow, we are paying for it.

Kate's Charges

Contrary to what many may believe, Kate's supply of money is not endless. And supporting 8 young children is not exactly a financial burden that can be taken on alone by a talentless woman who occupies her time not with working, but with getting Botox injections, ovulating, and berating the father of her children to the press. Although she was strongly against the idea, Kate's attorney and financial advisor have both agreed to file a lawsuit against Jon as the divorce goes through.

"We were unsure what approach to take in terms of getting Kate her share," an anonymous legal advisor says. "Jon may have a tendency for asinine behavior, but he is inherently harmless. Has he killed anyone? No. Done drugs? No. Embezzled money, no. Hell, the man has never so much as sampled a grape from the produce section." When asked about the nature of the suit, he continued.

"It was difficult, as it were, to pinpoint any misstep of Jon Gosselin's that might warrant significant legal settlement. Kate opposed the charges of physical and psychological abuse we have decided to bring to light against Jon, but ultimately decided that it was her only chance of a fair settlement."

The Distinguishing Factor

What worried attorneys about the case initially was that Jon's alleged abuse was not directly inflicted on Kate, but rather, on his own penis.

"While the case is rather unconventional, the outcome is strongly in Kate's favor... Based on the fact that, the very act of porking Kate Gosselin can be seen as a serious traumatic event for the appendage in question."

When asked to comment, Jon seemed to have mixed feelings about the allegation.

"Well, while I must admit they have something there, I don't know about going as far as 'abuse'. The woman has had 8 children, for crying out loud. It's not like there was any actual contact during coitus anyway. Hell, if anything, she owes me for that Rolex I lost up there in '05."