Neopets

Neopets is an online RPG invented by Adam James Powells and Donna Williams, in which you adopt a cute looking animal and do what you please with it.

A list of some Neopets you can enslave...er, I mean adopt...

Educational games!

Just The Facts

  1. Neopets is a game for kids.
  2. Like other RPGs, it's somewhat pointless and boring after an undetermined amount of time.
  3. There's fairies, rainbows and Kelloggs characters inside this game, making it look a bit gay for guys.
  4. Yes, there is Neopet porn, if that's what you were wondering. Filthy pervert...

Basic gameplay

After signing up, you get to choose your neopet, it's name and it's color. Then, you play some boring games to get points. Points turn into (fake) cash, which you use to feed your neopet, althought you don't have to: it won't die of starvation, althought it will say it's hungry. After you fed your neopet, you continue playing games for money to feed your neopet once again, and it keeps looping. Of course, you also get to do other stuff, like quests in which you don't understand what the fuck you're supposed to do, you can train your neopet to kick other neopet's ass, or you can build a house for no reason other than to waste time (1 small square room per day?!) and fake money, and fill it up with useless furniture that some neopets can eat.

Althought it's funny when they eat furniture made out of shit.

You can also buy a pet for your pet, name that petpet (that's their name) and buy toys for him. Plus, you can order your neopet to either keep it as a small slave of their own, or to devour it and end it's small, pathetic life. (Some Neopets won't eat petpets)

Althought Florg isn't a Neopet, this is a real game.

How to buy things

After playing a couple of boring games, you'll get enough neopoints (cash) to actually buy something good.

I can't explain why there are so many useless shops either...

Of course, one of the first things you'll wanna buy is food. Other than the Food Shop and the McDonalds up there, there's also a pizza shop, a milkshake shop, a bakery, ect. The type of food you buy doesn't matter much, so buy what you want. Once you click the shop you desire visiting, chances are that it will be out of stock, or with one or two things that no one else wants. If that happens, you have a choice: go to another shop, or keep clicking refresh until new things come. When there is things on sale, don't think: pick something FAST. Why? Because there's probably 5-6 or more peoples who want the same thing as you, and if you don't get it, the refresh button will once again be pressed a couple of times. Once you choose what you wanna buy, the ''shopkeeper'' will try to bargain a price. If you're trying to hurry, just accept his ridiculous price (sometimes, the price can go higher than 2000 neopoints for one meal. One. It better be the best fucking meal in the universe...), or, you can try to bargain for a lower price, thought it will take longer and the thing you want to buy might be out of stock before you can actually get a good price.

That doesn't cost much, but still...could you imagine paying 169 bucks for one ham in real life?

So, finally, when you bought what you want, you finally go feed your neopet. But, sometimes, just to piss you off, you find out that your neopet was allergic to an ingredient in the food (ex: cheese) and that he became sick. Of course, you had no clue.

Other than food, there's useless stuff that's supposed to help your neopet do more things, althought that never happens, at excruciating prices. Like food, you'll probably need to press F5 a couple of times...

Faeries

Pictured: the real reason guys started playing in the first place.

According to Neopets.com:

Faeries are tiny magical creatures that live in Neopia. Meeting one is said to be very lucky indeed, as they can bless your pets with all sorts of powers and abilities. A pet must be strong enough to control the faeries spells though, so if your pet is inexperienced then the faerie may just fly away. There are many different types of faeries with differring powers, abilities and temperaments.

According to 11 year old guys:

They're kinda hot. What the hell, I'll sign up...

When young guys see Neopets, they think they would look kinda gay if they played. And with the rainbows and cute animals, who blames them? However, when they see the faeries and their nice teen bodies, they find them hot and want to join. Unfortunately for young pre-teens, the faeries don't show up almost nude or will start stripping on your computer screen...

Nice try to bring more guys in, Adam.

The heroes

Nothing brings in more kids in a game than some good, old fashion fights. That's why, to add more action to an RPG, there's stories and legends that are full of ''good vs evil'' stuff that kids can read and do quests for. And with stories, there's good guys that kids can root for. Since there was so many heroes, the Gallery of Heroes was invented, giving the name and a short description of the protagonists.

Pictured: The Gallery of Heroes book cover.

Since peoples would ask, here's some of the Heroes illustraded in the Gallery:

  • Galgarroth

Yes, he IS a hero, even if he looks like a bad guy...

  • Armin

Because slingshots are better than guns.

  • Jacques

''Two swords are better than one!'' - Jacques

I agree.

  • General Dacon

He apparently didn't knew which one to take, so he took both.

The villains

If you're a villain in the world of Neopets, chances are it's for at least one of these reasons:

  1. You got sick and tired of the fucking happiness and peace, so you simply wanted to chance things a bit
  2. You were bored
  3. You're fucking insane
  4. You want something and you're determined to get it
  5. You got a great villain name and/or you look badass
  6. Peoples disagree with you often and/or made you pissed
  7. Because being evil is fun, damnit!

If you're powerful and scary, you'll star in a couple of games as the bad guy. If you're a REAL badass, you're name will be written in the Gallery of Evil.

Pictured: The Gallery of Evil book cover. In the real game, if you move your mouse on it, you see the demon eating a Pikachu. That makes the Gallery even better.

As you can guess, it's the exact opposite of the Gallery of Heroes. Other than having a really kick-ass name, it catalogues the most dangerous villains and monsters around. There's a whole bunch of villains, from crazy neopets to crazy super villain to crazy Chris Crocker (althought he's not in the gallery). Also, you get to have a sweet looking picture of you in the gallery.

Here's a couple of villains in the Gallery (probably not related with the heroes shown above):

  • Galem

galem.jpg

You'd think someone this badass-looking would star on something other than Neopets...but he DEFINITLY deservse to be in the Gallery...

  • Jelly Chia (yes, he is made of jelly)

You'll probably die a slow, delicious death if you fuck with him...

  • Shadow Usul

shadow_usul.gif

She only comes out at night. That means she won't try to kill you during the day. She'll just fucking kill you in your sleep instead.

  • Bringer of Night

I don't know about you, but if he asked me to do something, I'd do it. Fast.