Why Guiness Is The Best Beer

As you are already so aware the Irish are awesome. They blessed us with such coolness as Bulmers, ALCOPOPS & Jameson but the booze to rape all booze is Guinness. Go to an Irish pub & get shitfaced with this fine brew of awesomeness.

I really really do.

Kids! Breakfast! Get yer arses in herr!

A.K.A. Your average night/morning/entire-fucking-day in Ireland.

Just The Facts

  1. Created by the late, great Arthur Guinness in 1759, as a dry stout and one the most successful brands of beer world-fucking-wide.
  2. "Studies claim that Guinness can be beneficial to the heart. Researchers found that antioxidant compounds in Guinness, similar to those found in certain fruits and vegetables, are responsible for health benefits because they slow down the deposit of harmful cholesterol on the artery walls." Hell yes
  3. Their original slogan was "Guinness is good for you." Yes, it is. So damn good.
  4. There 14 varieties of Guinness and they are all awesome.
  5. Guinness is therefore, totally fucking awesome.

Why Guinness is the Best Beer EVER

Now, the Irish have contributed an awful lot to the world, ranging from literature to music to really cool Celtic tattoos. Yet, the most wonderfully awesome thing that the Irish have blessed us with is their Booze. With alcohol being the national pastime, you can only assume (correctly) that they have successfully grasped the techniques and skills it takes to create heavenly specimens of booze. Be it Jameson whiskey, Bulmer's/Magner's cider, and the purely awesome Alcopops, Ireland has superbly surpassed practically everyone else on the planet when it comes to booze-making (and drinking). And don't even get me started on Poitin. Seeing as how they have successfully out-awesomed the world when it comes to whiskey, cider, and nationally unique drinks, it goes without saying (but I'm going to say it anyway) that they will rape ass when it comes to Beer. And indeed, they do. Rape ass, that is. In a strictly awesome way, of course.

You may ask, why is Guinness the best beer in the fucking world? Well, let me answer your naive question, dear reader. Guinness stout is made from water, barley, hops, brewer's yeast, and is then treated with isinglass finings which are made from fishes' air bladders. I know, sounds insanely delicious. A portion of the barley is flaked (i.e. steamed and rolled) and roasted to give Guinness its dark colour and characteristic taste. It is pasteurised and filtered. Despite its reputation as a "meal in a glass", Guinness only contains 198 kcal per imperial pint, fewer than skimmed milk or orange juice and most other non-light beers.

Draught Guinness and its canned counterpart contain nitrogen (N2) as well as carbon dioxide (CO2). Nitrogen is less soluble than carbon dioxide, which allows the beer to be put under high pressure without making it fizzy. The perceived smoothness of draught Guinness is due to its low level of carbon dioxide and the creaminess of the head caused by the very fine bubbles that arise from the use of nitrogen and the dispensing method described above. "Original Extra Stout" contains only carbon dioxide, causing a more acidic taste.

Contemporary Guinness Draught and Extra Stout are weaker than they were in the 19th century, when they had an original gravity of over 1.070. Foreign Extra Stout and Special Export Stout, with ABV over 7%, are perhaps closest to the original in character. Although Guinness may appear to be black, it is officially a very dark shade of ruby. Very sexy indeed.

A distinctive feature is the burnt flavour which is derived from the use of roasted barley. For many years a portion of the drink was aged to give a sharp lactic flavour. The thick creamy head is the result of the beer being mixed with nitrogen when being poured making it all the more awesome. It is popular with Irish people both in Ireland and abroad, and is the best-selling alcoholic drink of all time in Ireland, where Guinness & Co. makes almost €2 billion annually. That's a couple of dollars short of 3 billion US dollars. Sweet. Just like beer.

And the great thing is that it's cheap. I love cheap stuff. 4 Cans cost $11.45, 8 Cans cost $21.45, 12 Cans $29.25, and 24 Cans cost $57.50. One costs about $2.45 pretty much everywhere, but that's just an extra fun-fact 'cause you won't need to know that when you're chugging down pint after pint after pint of creamy, delicious, sexy-as-hell Guinness.

Now, I suggest you go out, find yourself an Irish pub, and trust me, whatever sad, pathetic little town you're stuck in, there will be at least ONE Irish pub, and get yourself a pint of Guinness Stout. Get shitfaced, have an inappropriate and torrid one-night-stand, and send me pictures of your first-born whose name coincidentally turns out to be Guinness McGuinness. SLAINTE!