The top excuses to get out of work or school!
Spontaneous human combustion (SHC) is the burning of the human body without an external source of ignition. There is speculation and controversy regarding SHC. There are about 200 cited cases worldwide over a period of around 300 years; however, most of the alleged cases are characterised by the lack of a thorough investigation, or are based on hearsay. In many of the more recent cases, where photographic evidence is available, it is alleged that there was an external source of heat present (often cigarettes), and nothing occurred 'spontaneously'.
For when your really sick of that 9-5 job, call in Dead instead of sick! Better yet, say you've spontaneously combusted and leave your employer wondering for the rest of the day. To increase chances of success get a family member to call in, you can hardly do it when your a pile of ashes on the ground can you?
If there is one problem not one boss is going to ask you about, it's explosive diarrhea. By adding in "Explosive" you've already given your boss/co-worker/teacher more information than they wanted! This excuse is perfect for a day off or 2-3 days off! Nobody wants a live whoopie cushion in the office do they!?
For all the lady's out there, PMS entitles you up to two days off per month, more if your boss is male! Go with a classy "I'm mourning the loss of my egg" if feeling particulary adventurous!
Need a few days running off? Go with the headlice excuse! Nobody will want you around to spread them and your boss will feel sympatethic towards you! On the other hand you could get a reputation for being a dirty fu****!
For repeat day's off an allergic reaction is the way to go! This excuse can be used again and again without worry! Make it sound like your in a horrible way and it's all "restraunt names" fault for giving you X when you specifically said you were allergic to it!
For a month or so out of work, you could always say you've come down with the latest sickness, Swine Flu! Doctor's order's are to stay at home and take your anti-biotics! You can bet you won't be wanted around the office for a while!