Ipods are now a staple for modern life...in the opinion of every half-deaf teenager currently using them.

I get to pay forty dollars to shove a piece of sharded, magnetic plastic in my ear? Where do I sign!??!

Pshhhh..noone understands me like Alkaline Trio anyway.

Just The Facts

  1. You are most likely the victim of the ipod ploy; this means that you payed 300 dollars for a piece of metal with a fruit on it.
  2. Everyone enjoys tunes; now you can ignore people more than you ever could before by having headphones.
  3. To waste even more of your time, "apps" can be purchased to save you time...or turn you into a sucker, it might be a little of both.


Every weirdo in today's world thinks that their music collection is completely unique; to feel better about their choices in music, one can buy an iPod, and collect all this foolishness into one easily scratched cage. What do you have to do in return? Well, there are a few choices:

1: Be a chump and buy songs for 1.29 apiece on iTunes...

2: Be an even BIGGER chump and buy a CD (what, I like the "artwork" it comes with..totally worth 15.99!)

3: BE a normal person and download it for free.

Once you download it (like you probably should), you search around for a fucking light-year finding all the artwork, so that you don't have a little grey album cover with two notes on it.

"Genius & Other Features"

Apple might not realize this, but the "genius" thing isn't really that genius...all they do is pair songs that they think would go together well. I don't know what they base that on, but some people at the Apple coroporation have some shitty ideas of what music goes together. (Ex: Coheed and Cambria with The Kinks...The fucking KINKS?)\

Also, you can watch movies and TV shows on the screen, should you choose to do so. I don't know about anyone else, but if I wanted to watch a movie on a screen the size of a poptart, I'm not going to pay ten fucking dollars for it.

Besides charging you for just about anything cool to add to it, there are other ways of getting your iPod to do some cool stuff. If you have a touch or iPhone, you can "jailbreak" it; make sure that if you do this, you are either:

*Really Rich

*Mentally Defective

*Or a mentruating female (I have seen some shit...trust me on this)

Recreational Purposes

Besides always having a factory of sounds at your thumbprints, iPods can offer companionship in situations where supplemental music may improve how you spend your time. For instance, if you are making love to a woman/person/flashlight (you never know), an iPod is the perfect barrier for the sexually defunct to mask their inadequacies. (I don't know what you said...I wasn't paying attention...I was listening to B2K, bitch!)