Cuba

Oh, Cuba, a mystical place, the original banana republic, known for its revolutions and its old cotton head musicians. In 2004, the revolution of the slippery step made Fidel Castro quit his job as Chief Pirate of the Caribbean.

Cuba has always been surrounded by predators

Oh fuck. That does it.

Just The Facts

  1. Cuban names are totally badass (Chucho, Raul) but as soon as they hit Miami they ruin them with generic Tony's, Jay's and Celia's.
  2. Cuba has three American old oil-devouring cars and two unrecognized half American children per capita.
  3. Cuban engineers are predicted to discover the HTML technology in 2016.

Their badass leader

Remember The Godfather 2? Well, it was filmed in Dominican Republic, not in Cuba. You can tell by Tony Montana's fed up (not excitedly yelling) performance. In the movie you can see a revolution going on there, right after the Don makes out with his bald brother. After that revolution Fidel decided to rule the island, ship by himself all the export rum, design a commie system, say "fuck you" to the surrounding countries and manage to sleep, all while wearing the same cap for 50 years. Ballsy huh?

Mike, please, lets GTFO, we can do that on the plane...

So, you're going to Cuba?

You have your ticket and your mojo ready for some Cuba. Ok. Let us warn you, Cuba has more pointless rules than fight club and Utah together. The punishment for breaking the law there is serious business, like tying your hands when your balls get itchy or making you listen to Audioslave live THREE hours straight (Obnoxious guitar solos included). So if you're a wayward smiley tourist in Cuba:

  • DON'T take pictures of a naked Cuban. That's porn. And porn is a crime in Cuba. Yea. If you can't speak Spanish and you absolutely MUST relieve yourself you can wack it in front of the naked Cuban. Better slapped than jailed.
  • DON'T acknowledge any "pssst". Those "pssst's", besides being a word we just invented, are the so called Jineteros, dudes and gals who will offer you drugs and fake cigars and rum. If that doesn't do the trick they will fall in love with you and take all your money in a sweaty hotel room. Ignore them unless/until the pssst-er is Eva Mendes.
  • Possession of drugs means 20 years in jail cutting other prisoner's toenails and wacking it in front of them.

Islands are so grumpy!

Every teenager has that friend who will-not-get-out-of-the-house on a weekend, he will rather play Runescape and when he gets a better PC, World of Warcraft. "What the fuck, David", they say, "I've got weed and some beer! Come on!" But no, he will-not-get-out-of-the-damn-house. They're like that until they get laid (probably never). Japan was like that until they opened up and became a big fucking industrial monster. Cuba's been like that for 50 some years, since when America tried to punish them for being commies and they took it so nice that in 2009 they're still commies who enjoy playing Dune 2. It is said that in Cuba Super Mario Bros. for the NES was a hit in 2006, the same year Cartman froze himself to get a goddamn Wii. In Cuba the actual day of work involves working at a factory or an office 8 hours and staying at home the rest of the day. Just like here, you say? Well, no. Here you bring a laptop home and try to figure out how to win a million dollars.

OMFG we beat it, call Pablo, he's got to see this!

There are also Cubans who leave the island mostly to get rich and to escape from whatever Fidel has been doing all these years. Many get rich, the others just escape. Salt and seagulls aren't for everyone, so they just go swimming to Miami which is right there, so right there that if someone puts a Petronas Tower in la Havana, from the top you'll get to see the Miami ink studio and hear its customers whining and having problems.

The amount of Cubans in Miami and other cities of the east coast is so massive that they even formed an army trained by the CIA to overthrow Fidel with an operation called Bay of pigs. They failed, but hey, don't be a dick. They tried. Exiled Cubans suck at overthrowing presidents but they are superb musicians. They invented Salsa, Latin jazz and dry humping, some of them are Caucasians who can dance and their friends in the island are some of the finest sportspeople in the world. Baseball is the most important sport in Cuba. They always go to the finals against the US in the world cup (which has other 14 teams that play just for the heck of it). They usually lose.

But hey, don't be a dick. At least they're better than you.

Cuba is a nice place from what it's shown on Google. And Fidel is old and will die someday. We don't really mind what happens as long as their fine cigars and rum is shipping fast in the supermarket. Maybe a well educated Cuban engineer made the bottle that the local skank is (sort of) holding. Cause you know, everyone in Cuba is supposed to have a career, for free, or at least fairly cheap. You can meet a Quantum Physicist who sells shoes at home and is quite happy eating rice with potatoes in a 50 square meters house. Oh yeah. Who wrote the last word on happiness anyways?