The Irish

The Irish are the residents of Ireland and parts of Boston, New York, Chicago and Bennigans. Through immigration and expulsion, the Irish are all over the place and you can find a pub pretty much everywhere.

An Irishman celebrates tuesday in the traditional Gaelic fashion by defecating into a barrel of rum.

Just The Facts

  1. The Irish have a celebrated heritage of getting fucked over while fighting amongst themselves.
  2. Still, Irish Culture has managed to thrive via drunken writers, tipsy actors and utterly shitfaced musicians.
  3. The Irish have managed to spread around the world through immigration and good 'ol fashioned Catholic fuckin'.

A Brief History of Ireland and The Irish

Ireland, or as travel brochures call it "The Non-Lesbian Emerald Isle"1, exists across the Irish sea from Wales and England. For thousands of years, this wasn't a problem since neither Wales nor England existed as nations. Then William the Conqueror earned his surname by taking over England and the faeces hits the faen.

Until then, Ireland had existed in a state of what the Irish considered peace. Irish peace consisted of constant fighting amongst the tribes of Ireland over things like land, cows, bulls to fuck the aforementioned cows, who was the gingeriest ginger, etc... Eventually, blonde-haired Vikings decided to settle the Gingeriest Ginger contest by raping the ginger out of the Irish DNA. The Vikings failed miserably when Irishmen with names like "Wolf the Quarrelsome" were led by Irish High King Brian Boru into the Battle of Clontarf. The Battle of Clontarf consisted of the Irish versus the Vikings in the only battle ever fought where both sides couldn't tan. The Irish won but, in a portent of things to come, the king who united Ireland to fend off the Vikings was murdered while writing a letter to ESPN complaining about Notre Dame's shitty defense.

Eventually, the English came to Ireland because of the cheap cost of Ryanair Flights. Enraged at the shitty service and lack of leg room, the English declared Ireland as their new summer home. This sent property values in Spain plummeting. These new tourists came as a shock to the Irish, as they had been paying property taxes for years and didn't know their homes had been put on the market. The Irish built a giant fence around Dublin to enclose the English, who had become confused while wandering around town looking for the Guinness Brewery Tour. The Irish began referring to this area as "The Pale". English people began using the phrase "Beyond the Pale" as a way to describe things that disgusted or horrified them. So next time you hear someone say "That's beyond the Pale!", you can explain the phrase to them and marvel at them not giving a shit.

Things went further south when dainty closeted homosexual Oliver Cromwell2 landed in Ireland and decided it would make Jesus happy if there were no Irish in Ireland anymore. He could then rename it "Cromwellington" and make it a land of good Protestant men and androygenous Protestant women/shemales. The Irish were saved by their lack of education, since without the ability to read the only thing to do back then was fuck. The Irish would continue this trend of shitkickings followed by repopulation fuckings for years and years. The English would come up with ideas like "Hey, lets stick a shitload of Scottish Protestants in the best part of the country and see what happens!" but the amicable Irish would quickly put aside their differences with the newcomers. The Catholic Irish and this new Protestant Irish knew it would upset their English friends if they didn't provide at least some Entertainment so they briefly engaged in a near-bloodless conflict that would only last a few hundred years and multiple U2 albums.

After World War I, the Irish decided to launch "Rebellion #1078". Shockingly, this rebellion actually succeeded when Irishmen Michael Collins and Eamon De Valera led the Irish to their biggest upset victory since the 1979 Cotton Bowl. De Valera congratulated General Collins for his victory by having him shot to death on the way to visit his family. When asked if he had anything to do with the death of his former friend and colleague, the rascally De Valera said "If I'm guilty of anything, its loving the man so much that I assured him of one day being the subject of a Liam Neeson movie.". If it had not been for the awful performance by Julia Roberts, the world may have learned how sketchy De Valera was. After all, Alan "Hans Gruber" Rickman plays him in the film so you know the cocksucker was up to something.

Today, Ireland is a country that was thriving until Wall Street pissed its pantleg and sent the world into an economic tailspin. Rather than invest all their money into the military like some half-assed South American shitpit(cough. cough. Venezuela), the Irish invested in Education and Infrastructure to build their new nation. This has led to a highly educated populace that has taken its place amongst the privileged West by adopting their fellow Europeans customs. Arrogance, disdain for the past and a dislike of Americans3 are now as Irish as they are English,German and French. Especially the French.

What does the future hold for the Irish? Well, as long as cirrhosis of the liver lives inside the belly of every Irish boy and girl, there will always be a touch of the old Ireland in every Irish person. Be they the residents of Ireland, the pugilistic inhabitants of South Boston, the rambunctious Chicago Irish, the two-fisted denizens of Hell's Kitchen, the pugnacious Irish of Manchester, the truculent Irish of Edinburgh, the belligerent London Irish and those pigfucker O'Neills who live down the hall and are obviously hiding a dog in their apartment when we all know this is a no-pets floor. Shitstains.

1: That's right, the isle of Lesbos in Greece is called "The Emerald Isle" as well. Irish muffdivers are referred to as "Double Emeralds" by themselves.

2: I have no clue as to the sexual interests of Oliver Cromwell. Though he was a bit obsessed with fashion and seemed to be one of those closet cases who beats on the poor kids because he can't admit to his Daddy that he craves penis. Happily, he died of a urinary tract infection. The Ultimate Cock-Block.

3: The term "plastic paddies" has been coined to describe Irish Americans. It is often used by middle-class Irish to describe their American cousins. Conveniently, they forget it was the money sent to Ireland by those Irish cousins that allowed their grandparents to eat something other than a handful of grass for Christmas.