Divorce Strategies

Divorce Strategies are crucial for making sure you get what you want when all you really want is to get out.

Ever Notice How It's Always the Guy Who Seems Happy To Get the Divorce?

Apparently God Hates Divorce So Much He Will Put a Bullet In Your Mirror.

Handy Flow Chart

Just The Facts

  1. Divorces don't just happen... they must be plotted and planned out.
  2. While gettting a divorce is easy, getting what you want in the divorce takes strategy.
  3. There are three basic strategies to getting a divorce...

Cracked on Divorce

Let's face it, getting a divorce is as easy as falling off a bicycle and into a prostitutes' arms. But if you want to keep your self respect, friends, and as much of your stuff as possible you will have to use a proven Divorce Strategy.

Things To Consider When Picking a Strategy:

How much do you care about your friends and associates still respecting you?

How much (or little) time do you want to spend with your kids?

How easy will it be to find a job that pays you under the table so you can avoide alimony or child support?

Strategy One: The Victim Card

The Victim Card is the best proven method for getting everything you want out of a divorce. By pretending your spouse is controlling or out right evil you can get all these things: a decent amount of your stuff, as much time with your kids as you can stand, sympathy from friends and associates, sympathy from the opposite sex. The best way to use the Victim Card is to claim your spouse is controlling when it comes to money (which in reality means they wouldn't let you spend enough money on stupid stuff). You may also claim your spouse wouldn't let you spend enough time with your friends (and by friends, you mean hot people you met at bars).

I made this!

You Can Only Play This Card Once in Your Lifetime, Unless You're a Democratic Politician.

Strategy Two: Passive Aggressive Campaign

This divorce strategy is a sure fire winner but with the drawback of taking about seven years to work. If you wish to use the Passive Aggressive technique you will have to start early by pretending that little stuff doesn't bother you. While letting everything slide outwardly you need to make strong mental notes as to what has happened untill one day you bust and let it all out. At this point you should blame your spouse for everything despite your going along with whatever it is that your pretending is killing your marriage. This technique can be combined with the victim card but works well enough on its own. If done right, you may even come out of the relationship with the respect of all your friends and family.

This is not good acting. Try not to look like this.

I'm so emotional... on the inside.

Strategy Three: The Gay Card

This is the biggest risk/biggest reward strategy of all. If you actually are gay then this is possibly the best strategy for you. Even if you are heterosexual this technique has much to offer. First, you can probably get your divorce quickly. Second, you might even get the sympathy of your soon to be ex-spouse. Third, if you are later discovered by your ex to be in a heterosexual relationship you can crush their self-esteem by saying "turns out I only thought I was gay because of you."

Yep, this picture works for this strategy also.

Yeah, this picture works here too.

Strategy Four: The Cheating Heart

Back in the 1950's most judges wouldn't grant a divorce without proof that someone had an affair. Respectible people actual hired women to pose for photos with the husband to pretend he had cheated. That is the dumbest thing to happen in the 1950's (with the possible exception of segregation). Why not get the added benifit of actually having an affair? So today this strategy is the nuclear option. This will give you a quick divorce... or you will discover a kinky side to your spouse that might make divorce strategies moot. Afterall, who needs a divorce if their spouse wants an open marriage? It's like getting the milk from the cow and from your neighbors cow too. But most likely you will find yourself in divorce court quickly... but there is always that outside chance.

Yep, you know what I'm saying.

Why would he do this? We mean the picture.