Toy Story

It's been ten years after the last Toy Story installment, but now Toy Story is back. Does this bode well, or is this dead horse just another excuse to scare children shitless: because let's face it folks: Toy Story is pretty fucked up.

Time to spill the master's blood! Toy Story freaked the hell out of me when it first came out, and there are plenty of reasons why. Toys magically coming to life invites some disturbing possibilities

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Frankly Woody, I'd try to kill him too. But I'm not a beloved children's icon am I? For shame.

Just The Facts

  1. It has been scientifically proven that one out of every three toys magically brought back to life has been summoned by Satan
  2. The very same study has also determined that dolls are 450% more prone to violent deeds then other toys, yet Army Men are by far the most likely to take your balls
  3. The study also concluded that LEGO may be the "cornerbrick" in toy organized crime, and are the primary suppliers of "Playdough"

Buzz Lightyear, Woody, and RC'ing with intent to kill: the lethal undertones in Toy Story

It's Andy's birthday, and he suddenly has a new favorite Toy. Just like that, you are number two. So what is the rational, mature Disney solution?

WASTE THE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

This whole situation is a symbol and can tells us a lot about this film. There are several reasons why the attempted murder of Buzz Lightyear in the first part of Toy Story bothers me. Let me break it down for you

Number one is Toy Murder. The previous famous living toy was Chucky: the doll of death. It appears that Pixar wishes to keep this fine tradition alive by having Woody try and off Buzz. BY RUNNING HIM OVER WITH A RC CAR. That's brutal as FUCK. You'd think Disney characters would have better ways of solving their problems then homicide, but apparently not...

But Woody is not only a wannabe murderer, he actually raises the standard: he may be the first toy in history to use an actual SENTIENT BEING as a murder weapon. He is a pioneer of death. It's the equivalent of me beating my roommate to death with my little brother because he's my girlfriend's new (boy) toy. That evil, evil, bastard. I suppose being named after a prick will reflect itself in one's personality.

Woody's REAL victim?

Woody's REAL Victim?

To make things even worse, once the toys are confronted with Woody's wickedness, they decide to deal with this matter like they deal with ALL their problems:

Death

Woody is attacked by a lynch mob. They say that the potential for murder lies within us all. But still, I don't want Disney (of all people) to demonstrate this in front of me by using Mr. Potato Head as an example. But I suppose at this point it is do-or-die. Once the toy bloodlust takes hold, they just can't stop. If Mr. Potato Head doesn't kill Woody now, sooner or later He'll be Mr. Potato Headless.

"I DON'T NEED PROOF WHEN I HAVE INSTINCT! Hold him still Little Bo Peep, while I slit his throat!"