Heterosexuality

Encyclopedias describe Heterosexuality as "fucking amazing".

Just The Facts

  1. Heterosexuality is defined as the tendency or direct sexual attraction to the opposite sex
  2. Statistically speaking, it's probably why you exist.
  3. Being straight makes Jesus not cry.
  4. Being a heterosexual allows you to respond to things you don't like or disagree with by saying "That's Gay!" because you're megaclever and sensitive.

The History of Heterosexuality

Heterosexuality was invented in one of two ways:

By Adam. The alternative involved having one of his ribs removed for every new person to be created because a certain "All Powerful" Fuckplate was an ass that didn't feel like magicking Megan Fox from nothing the way he did the week before.

or

By cavemen because the fish they evolved from claimed that it was a sin for a man to lie with another man.

While heterosexuality, or 'being straight' as it's often called, prospered in the beginning, it wasn't fun. A number of things needed to be invented to stave off the dreadful threats of homosexuality and asexuality. Listerine, Deodorant, Brazilian Waxes, Foreplay, and Marvin Gaye have all been brought about to prevent the downfall of hetero life. Without them, we'd all be sprouting heaps of mono-chromosomal pods filled with the hopes and dreams of spreading their prefertilized jelly from one portion of their bodies to another. Or better yet, we'd all be gay which would force women to feel awkward when admitting that Jake is the hotter Gyllenhaal.

I just can't quit you Bubble Boy. P.S. Your sister's really ugly.

The life of a heterosexual has not always been an easy one. The Roman Empire with all its lily-fisted skirtwearing REMBLA (Roman Empire Man Boy Love Association) members, which was pretty much anyone not named Marc Antony, taking vacations from debraining Gauls with big swords and shiny multinippled breastplates for the explicit purpose of deflowering young boys with big doe-eyed looks and similarly nippled breastplates. Luckily, the Roman Empire was eventually defeated when, according to the average American, King Arthur threw Lord Voldemort off of the 30th floor of Nakatomi Plaza and into the fires of Mount Doom thus restoring balance to The Force and heterosexuality was free to romp and play in rainbow filled fields. That is, of course, until homosexuals stole the rainbow, presumably because we wouldn't let them get married.

As the saying goes, Every silver lining has a dark cloud shitting in its cereal, and soon organized religion would threaten the day to day lifestyle of heterosexuals throughout the world. The institutionalization of God-fearing unfuckable people made it possible for them to create rules and force them upon us with swords. These rules told us that we were to be fruitful and multiply but only with one woman and only after we were officially a couple in the eyes of the guy who told them to kill us if we didnt believe in him. This worked because logic hand't been invented yet (historical records indicate that logic was invented in the mid 1980s simply so that Motley Crue record sales could defy it) and because that heaven place they talked about promised to offer great opportunities for assorted heterosexual activities like wearing too much Axe Body Spray, writing for Cracked, co-ed naked Curling, needlepoint, and pleasuring one's self to girl on girl porn.

Another religion began offering 72 virgins as a reward for a lifetime of dedicated heterosexuality. This proved to be a great boon for Heterosexual recruitment drives until recently when studies revealed that the only virgins remaining on the planet were the 4 people who watched The Jay Leno Show, 4chan users, this guy...

and this girl...

I'd still give both of them a moustache ride to Paradise City before Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Modern Heterosexuality

Since the 2003 premiere of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the garden variety type of heterosexuality has become the blue pill, but in a Matrix way not a Viagra way. Where in the past a man could woo a woman by pretending to drown and stealing that first kiss while she's performing CPR, this is no longer true.

This literally worked for thousands of years

The olive branch extended by the homosexual community has helped to usher in a golden age of hetero life where Bromances and Man Crushes have become the accepted norm, further blurring the lines dividng between sexual preferences and creating a new type of Heterosexual, The Metrosexual. This new alliance proved to be necessary with the emergence of the first successful experiments in human asexual reproduction as seen below.

The first successful samples grown the the skin of Jeremy Piven's taint.

The Metro-morphosis of the American male has created a level playing field against the prince with diamonds in his pockets and the one who said he wants to buy her rockets in the battle to win the heart of every little miss can't-be-wrong out there.

Prominent Heterosexuals Throughout History

Adam and Eve

"You. GTFO!."

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

If you say "Brangelina" three times fast they will adopt you.

Bill Clinton

Clockwise from left: Bill Clinton, Heterosexual extraordinaire; Some Lesbian