Real football (or soccer) is played with feet. Fake Football is what you American's play, with hands.

This is not a football

This is a 'footballer', but the juries still out on that.

Just The Facts

  1. Out of all the games that involve going outside, football is the most popular.
  2. Anybody can play football - even Belgians.
  3. Most footballers are quite obviously closet gays


A brief history of football. Not that anybody really cares.

The earliest form of football was noted during the Ancient Greek and Roman times. They were known to have played many ball games, some of which involved the use of feet. Yet even though this is the case there is no record as to whether they mean ball games, or 'ball games'. If you catch my drift.

Ask anybody in England though, they will claim that we are the creators of the almighty sport that is football. In the 15th and 16th centuries football was one of the favourite past-times by merchant seamen. Back then there were no rules, players could be as violent and dirty as possible, and not only were you able to use your feet but also your hands when coming up against the ball.


Now, when football progressed it became very popular in public schools. For those from America and do not know what a Public school was, or in fact is, it is an institution usually exclusive for boys , usually it was run by a headmaster, one who's mistress could not satisfy them in a way they liked, and they would use their power as a way to leer at young boys, sometimes even...


Yes, anyway moving on. The popularity of football in public schools was resounding, it was a way in which it could teach the youngsters disciplines and responsibilities. When it first became popular in public schools it was known that there were no rules. As a result it became more of a man's game, violence was kept to a minimum and the sport progressed, if only barely.


The sport became a national institution, many teams were set up, usually in conjunction with rugby, those boys were very multi-talented back then.  Many of the first football clubs within England were in conjunction with that of Rugby, and now have just moved to Rugby part time. Also a number of the first clubs in England were part of the University Fraternity, the commoners were not allowed to partake in such a sport, even though it was them who created it.


Now football is all inclusive, with teams that anybody can join, if you have a little bit of talent. Even women now play football, and they make up some of the best football teams in the world. Much to the annoyance of the men.


So let's get back to the serious business as I just managed to worm my way through a load of crap, which may or may not be true, and get down to the laws of the beautiful game, don't worry, I won't lie to you here...:-


Players, Equipment and Officials

  • A conventional football, or soccer, match is to be played with a maximum of 11 players (excluding substitutes, of which there can be between 3 and 6 in one match). One of these players must be the goalkeeper. There is also a rule that stipulates that there needs to be a minimum number of players within the team as well, which is 7. Meaning if four players for one team are sent off, then the game is terminated. This though is very rare.

  • The basic kit for a footballer is that of shirt, shorts, socks and footballing boots. This was brought in as a result of the public school boys being forced to wear revealing tutus when playing their matches in front of the headmaster.

  • The game is officiated by a referee, who has 'full authority to enforce the laws of the game in connection with the match to which he has been appointed.' (and in many cases he is wrong, there will be an example of a wrong ref beneath). There are also two assistant referee's, and a fourth official who will fill in if one of the other ref's picks up a hamstring injury.


Laws of the Game

  • Kick-off: following a goal by the opposing team, or to begin each period of play.

  • Throw-in: when the ball has wholly crossed the touchline; awarded to opposing team to that which last touched the ball.

  • Goal kick: when the ball has wholly crossed the goal line without a goal having been scored and having last been touched by a player of the attacking team; awarded to defending team

  • Corner kick: when the ball has wholly crossed the goal line without a goal having been scored and having last been touched by a player of the defending team; awarded to attacking team.

  • Indirect free kick: awarded to the opposing team following "non-penal" fouls, certain technical infringements, or when play is stopped to caution or send-off an opponent without a specific foul having occurred. A goal may not be scored directly from an indirect free kick.

  • Direct free kick: awarded to fouled team following certain listed "penal" fouls.

  • Penalty kick: awarded to the fouled team following a foul usually punishable by a direct free kick but that has occurred within their opponent's penalty area.

  • Dropped-ball: occurs when the referee has stopped play for any other reason, such as a serious injury to a player, interference by an external party, or a ball becoming defective. This restart is uncommon in adult games.


A foul occurs when a player commits an offence listed in the Laws of the Game while the ball is in play. The offences that constitute a foul are listed in Law 12. Handling the ball deliberately, tripping an opponent, or pushing an opponent, are examples of "penal fouls", punishable by a direct free kick or penalty kick depending on where the offence occurred. Other fouls are punishable by an indirect free kick.


The referee may punish a player or substitute's misconduct by a caution (yellow card) or sending-off (red card). A second yellow card at the same game leads to a red card, and therefore to a sending-off. A player given a yellow card is said to have been "booked", the referee writing the player's name in his official notebook.

Football players and sexuality

There are three types of footballers that need to be noted, all of which are closet gays.

The first of such is the tough man. Most notable tough man's of football are Vinnie Jones, who has now become an actor, and Neil 'Razor' Ruddock. Both of whom were known for their on pitch antics, fights and famous sending offs. Razor Ruddock I don't believe is a closet gay, but Vinnie Jones...

...Definitely is.


The second most notable footballer is the preener. Such footballers include, well...the majority of foreign players in the English leagues, and David Beckham. Who most American's should have heard of because he is such a money grabbing tit. Down below is David Beckham, and another money grabbing tit who has recently moved to play football in Real Madrid, Cristiano Ronaldo.

David Beckham


...Yep, definitely closet gays.


The third most notable footballer is the diver. A diver is a player who will go down and feign injury when he is touched at the legs. Most notable divers are...every player, but the worst offender is Chelsea player Didier Drogba, who is also a complete idiot.

...Yes that is Didier Drogba above, and I still don't understand how he hasnt' won an oscar for his performances in diving. Closet Gay.


Before I sign off, I just want to mention, only the rules were done seriously, all the rest was done in jest. So don't tell me I have information wrong, as I know. It was done as a joke.


Signing off my first topic.