Hell is the place where all the damned souls and writers of horrible movies go. Also, Jesus talks more about Hell than Heaven. Really.

Just The Facts

  1. Despite being a place of pain and suffering, it looks a lot more awesome than Heaven.
  2. No one really cares what the religions say about Hell, because Dante Aligheiri's "The Inferno" is just better.
  3. It's where your mom told me to go after I dumped her last week.

The Dantean Hell, Circles 1-5

The first level of Hell is called "Limbo". It's where all the good people who didn't believe in God go. It's not good, but it really isn't too bad. The main difference between here and Heaven is that this place serves Pepsi.

Favored by demons and nonbelievers everywhere!

The Second Circle is where the true suffering begins. Again, as we go down and down, the punishment gets worse. The 2nd circle is for the Lustful. Their punishment is to be stuck flying around in a constant wind storm. When all is said and done, this is the one your mom will wind up in.

(Author's note: I didn't have a picture of her that was work safe)

The Third Circle is for the Gluttonous. Basically, the people who ate everything. They are stuck on the ground as slush, snow and hail falls on them.

I will never eat again.

Circle Four goes to the Greedy. They got to carry around heavy shit for the rest of eternity. That cousin of yours who hordes all the Star Wars Figures? Yep. This is his fate.

Circle Five is twofold. The Wrathful are in a constant rage and beating the shit out of each other, like in Fight Club. The Slothful are flopped over in a marsh, not really caring about anything. That sounds pretty shitty, but I think being stuck in a Marsh would be even worse.

god their stuff is overpriced

The Dantean Hell, 6-9 (This is where all those movie makers go)

This is where all the punishments begin to get really nasty, and Hell itself become more complex. If you look at the diagram above, you'll see that while We've covered over HALF of the circles, we're only about a third of the way down. Makes you glad you're not there, right?

Circle Six is where heretics end up. For not believing in an afterlife, they are forever stuck in tombs. THAT ARE ON FIRE.


The Seventh circle goes to the violent and Makers of Michael Meyers movies. This is where the Circles begin to get split up. First up, Murderers. They get to be drowned repeatedly in rivers of BOILING BLOOD. The next part goes to suicides. Remember that part of 300 where they see the tree made up of dead people? That is what happens to the suicides.

please don't kill yourself. :)

The third part is the violent against God, Nature, and Order. I figure the movie makers go somewhere between God and Nature.

The 8th circle is the largest and most complex, consisting of 10 different rings. Those punished in this ring include: pimps, corrupt church officials, false prophets, corrupt politicians (It's comforting to think that Dick Cheney has a spot on hold), hypocrites, thieves, false advisors (Cheney, again...), the makers of discord, and finally, the Falsifiers (those who make up shit). I figure the maker of every shitty teenager oriented movie ever winds up here.

And now, finally, the 9th and final circle. While all the other circles are hot and unpleasant, this one is very, very cold, and the punishment here is being entombed in ice. Think about it, after all the explosions Michael Bay has forced us to watch, don't you think it's wonderful that he is now imprisoned in hellishly cold ice? At the middle of the circle is Satan himself, constantly chewing on Judas Iscariot, Brutus and Cassius (the two pricks that led the attack on Julius Caesar). When Satan isn't chomping on them, he is using anyone involved with the Twilight saga as a toothpick

Other Hells

Unfortunately, most of the other hells are boring. Except for the Hell of Doom 3!

Too bad HE doesn't care about tormenting the makers of Twilight....