Witch Doctors

"Witch Doctors" are people who use dances and natural concoctions that do not really do anything to supposedly cure nonexistent ailments thought to have been caused by witchcraft.

Witch Doctors in an Unknown Location (it would be racist to assume they're from Africa based only on skin tone, native garb, and the lands physical geographic features).

This Chart Explains Both How One Becomes a Witch Doctor and Also Why MS Paint Shouldn't Be Used for Charts

Just The Facts

  1. Witch Doctors are known for their outlandish clothes and odd piercings. Like Dennis Rodman.
  2. Witch Doctors are self-trained thus they are not real certified, actual doctors.
  3. Witch Doctors use herbs, spells, potions, and other non-working things to cure ailments.
  4. Witch Doctors' livelihood depends on the appearance of contributing to society while not actually doing anything. Just like Dennis Rodman.
  5. Witch Doctors are not covered by most HMO's. However, Senator Baucus has proposed a bill including a public option for witch doctors.

Cracked On Witch Doctors

Admit it, as far as occupations go, being a Witch Doctor is pretty bad-ass. Think about it...


1. You get to wear whatever you want to work. The crazier the better.... just like being a stripper.

2. You get paid money to do basically nothing of value... just like being a stripper.

3. You can create your own demand by lying about the availibilty or scarcity of sin... just like being a stripper.


1. Angry customers might demand more then they get... just like being a stripper.

2. You only get to work with desperate fools as both co-workers and employers... just like being a stripper.

3. You could get knived in the back for stepping on someone else's turf... just like being a stripper.

A Witch Doctor and a Stripper... Two Growing Occupational Fields

Witch Doctors and Soccer

Even today many African nations continue to believe in the power of Witch Doctors. Soccer fans (or as they are called overseas: sports fans) are particularly fascinated by Witch Doctors. Many soccer fans believe that following their upset victory over England at the 1950 World Cup, American soccer players were heard to tell Brazillian Witch Doctors in the crowd to "shove that up your twisty boned pierced noses." Afterwards the Witch Doctors decided to curse America forever more by chanting magic phrases that translate to: "May the United States never understand the most popular game in the world. May Americans forever toil in their homoerotic version of football where every play ends up with a bunch of sweaty men piled up on each other before they go back and bend over and place their arms on each other in a 'huddle'."

Sociologists Evolving Approach to Witch Doctors

Originally Sociologists enjoyed studying Witch Doctors as a means to belittle ignorant primitive people. However, today sociologists point to Witch Doctors as vital link to a simpler time when bullshit was easily accepted by the public, much like movie audiences of the 1980's.

Witch Doctors in Popular Culture

Films and T.V.

Witch Doctors have enjoyed immense popularity in popular culture thanks primarily to the relatively easy way in which the characters are used by hack writers of children's programming. Anytime a writer needs a character to cause chaos or possibly cure chaos with little or no explanation needed a witch doctor is a quick solution. Plus in live-action programming thanks to elaborate costumre and masking, a witch doctor can be played by any actor who happens to be standing around on the set the day a movie is filmed (this explains Whoopie Goldberg's role in an episode of "Tales From the Crypt" and to a lesser degree her role in "Star Trek The Next Generation."

Comic Books and Other Forms of High Literature

Witch Doctors were staples in horror comics from the 1950's and 1960's. The major publishers of the 1970's including Marvel and D.C. also based many crappy characters on Witch Doctors rather then create something original. Doctor Strange, The Scarlet Witch, Doctor Doom, and Brother Voodoo all take some aspects from traditional portrayals of witch doctors (it should be noted those characters also rely on misconceptions and prejudices of minorities and foreigners, another staple of the comics industry).


The Witch Doctor is notable for its inclusion in the two worst songs that ever infected the airwaves: "Love Potion #9" and "(I called the) Witch Doctor." The song "Witch Doctor" went on to launch the careers of three cartoon chipmunks who continued to inflict the ears of listeners with crappiness for over five decades. The line "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang" is rumored to have mind controlling powers of its own as once you have listened to it you will not get it out of your head for twelve weeks. The song was written by a guy dumb enough to list a character name (Dave Seville) as the author then he spent the rest of his life complaining that nobody knew he wrote the song.