Chess Pro

Chess is apparently the least manly sport imaginable. In fact, it’s a secret test used by bad asses to determine mental toughness.

Just The Facts

  1. Chess is the world�s least aerobic professional sport.
  2. Like many secretly awesome things (zero, Kama Sutra), chess was invented in India.
  3. When he wasn't attacking the rest of Europe, Napoleon played chess. He is famously quoted as saying, "Not tonight, Josephine. I'm working on my Macho Grob "

Who Plays

Chess is mainly played by unattractive men with hot wives and Harrison Ford like glares.Former World Champion Gary Kasparov and (inexplicably) his wife

Gary Kasparov and (inexplicably) his wife.

Vintage bad ass Humphrey Bogart was a chess tournament director who used to play for money in New York during the depression. We're guessing that about eight moves in, he fixed his opponents with a brutal stare and accepted their immediate resignation. He once played US champion Samuel Reshevsky to a draw.

He also nailed Lauren Bacall despite looking like a bus parked on his face.

He also married Lauren Bacall despite looking like a bus parked on his face.

Chess is the only career alternative to porn for hot Eastern European babes.

You�ve never seen these women naked. Thanks for nothing, chess.

You've never seen these women naked. Thanks for nothing, chess.

Chess in History

After World War Two the Union of Soviet Commie Bastards, recognising the secret bad ass properties of chess, held up the list of exclusively Soviet world champions as proof that capitalists were tree-hugging pussies of dubious sexual orientation. For 25 years, the West tried to pretend they didn't care while desperately searching for Bobby Fischer.

A Soviet chess school in training.

A Soviet chess school in training.

Fischer alloyed chess skill with barely suppressed rage, OCD and anti-Semitism in a single charming package. The West unleashed him anyway.

Fischer challenged Boris Spassky for the world championship. Where to hold it? Where else but the world's most secretly bad ass country? Iceland.

They decided Bikini-babes-in-a-geothermal-pool-land was a bit too much of a mouthful.

They decided Bikini-babes-in-a-geothermal-pool-land was a bit too much of a mouthful.

Iceland is famous for two things: scantily clad females in geothermal pools and the highest per capita of bad asses in the world. And chess.

The Icelandic chess team arrive on the Isle of Lewis, 1172 AD (or thereabouts)

The Icelandic chess team arrive on the Isle of Lewis, 1172 AD (or thereabouts)

Fischer won then retired to pursue his hobbies of growing outrageous beards and cheering on suicide bombers in planes.