Everybody poops, we all know this because we have eaten at McDonalds before and have all read the popular book by the same title. The worst possible things that can go wrong when going to the bathroom are listed below:

Feed me?

5. The Power Outage

The last thing you want when you're blowing it up inside the bathroom is a transformer blowing up outside the bathroom. Never are you as vulnerable in the dark as you are on the toilet. God forbid it is a sell out crowd at the urinals that night; it will turn out worse than a watergun fight outside after midnight.

Dont end up like this guy!

Dont end up like this guy!

The question becomes do you finish or do you abort the mission? The possibility of chaos ensuing is very high but you may want to stay put if you have the safety of a locked stall, just dont drop your illumination device (Iphone, torch, camping lantern) in the toilet.

4. The Insect Attack

You're sitting there peacefully reading your three year old magazine that you cant seem to get rid of and all of a sudden your flanked by an attack from a six legged, or even worse, an eight legged creature. Its equivalent to getting attacked during any war when one party is quietly eating and the other party completely catches you off guard and fucks your day up. If they attack from behind the toilet, forget about it. Just let them crawl on you and carry you off into the sewers. If you can flush yourself down the toilet take as many as you can with you.


Golden Corral told me you would be here!

Just make sure youre armed with a shoe, a magazine and a glock. If you are in a public restroom without shoes you have bigger problems on your hands anyway.

3. No Toilet Paper

This one is obvious. Some people do not actually check before dropping let this be a warning to you. Its like getting in your car and realizing you ran out of gas, you dont think to check because you assume you wouldnt let it get this far thus leaving you fucked for sure. Sure you can syphon gas from a neighboring car but the under the stall door heist is very difficult to pull off. This is when desperation kicks in...and so do the ideas.

Im looking more and more like a good idea

Im looking more and more like a good idea...arent I?

2. The Broken Door

This is sort of a corollary to the missing door which makes no sense to me. Its the 21st century, we have doors on the stalls . Did the contractor run out of money, or supplies? Use a shower curtain at least. The broken door is similar because you end up guarding that thing like Fort Knox is in your stall with you. And for some reason, people that walk in the bathroom are oblivious to the feet peeking out from beneath the stall door and want to get in like you invited them over for dinner. You end up contorting your body in some sort of Cirque De Soleil position where your foot is on the door and you still have your hands free.

Private party

This is a private party.

1. Zombie Attack

This one is the absolute worst, and most common. If a zombie attack were to happen the last place on Earth you want to be is caught with your pants down. There are so many other opportune places to be in such an event; a toolshed, a bar, Canada. But then again, zombie attacks in the bathroom are rare. Hopefully they still have enough semblence of humanity left to at least knock before entering.

That was one killer burrito!