Southern Comfort is a fruit, spice, and whiskey-flavored liqueur that has been leaving a nasty taste in people's mouths since 1874.
Fun fact...it's one of the most loathsome substances known to man
In all honestly, I think only people with some kind of mental illness think that it's drinkable and not something vile that should be poured directly down the drain. In fact, liking/loathing Southern Comfort could be used as part of a test to see if you are normal or COMPLETELY insane.
Hmmmm...this is actually a very good idea. I should start using this test to start screening people I date. Maybe this way I could avoid people who talk about themselves in the third person. It would be a pretty simple test. Do you like Southern Comfort? No? Well you're good to go then. Yes? Uhmmm...what's that? Oh darn it. My phone is ringing....oh noooo it's an emergency. Shoot. You're awesome and all and it was soooooo nice meeting you but uhmmm...I gotta go.
Every time I've had Southern Comfort I've been at a party and already drunk. That's right. Sober me is WAY wiser than that. No sir, sober me can't be tricked into drinking the vileness that calls itself Southern Comfort. Sober me remembers ALL the important stuff....like for instance that Southern Comfort is disgusting. Drunk me on the other hand tends to forget this kind of thing along with other things like where I put my morals (I just had them. Darn it. I know I put them somewhere) and also the fact that I don't smoke (my poor lungs).
Anyways...let's take a moment to seriously consider exactly what makes Southern Comfort so repulsive.
1. The name. Seriously people? It sounds like something that you can only
drink if you have less than three teeth and are married to your sister.
Apparently you can buy this stuff at 100% proof. How is that even legal?
2. Uhmmm the taste? Honestly, I dare someone to drink a bottle of that
stuff and survive the hangover the next day. You know what would happen?
Ever see the video of that guy who can't figure out how to put his sandals
on for like 20 minutes and finally just collapses in despair? You'd be
this guy. Is that what you want? IS IT? www.youtube.com/watch
3. The sickly sweetness makes me think of dead bodies and road kill. Yes.
Oozing road kill that has been dumped in a vat with a bunch of sugar.
4. Southern Comfort Lime is apparently going to be available this summer.
How revolting. You know what? Beer is totally better with lime. Southern
Comfort? I'm guessing not so much. There aren't enough limes in the world
to make that taste good.
Southern Comfort was supposedly first made by an Irish bartender whatever his name was. Check out the totally mindblowingly delicious sounding original recipe. First you take good-quality bourbon and add vanilla bean, some lemon, half of a cinnamon stick, four cloves, a few cherries, and some orange. Then let this mixture soak for days and add a touch of honey right at the end. Doesn't that sound like tasty awesomeness in a glass?
So what happened Southern Comfort? How could you? Seriously, that recipe makes it sound like is used to be the best drink in the world instead of the revolting mess that is Southern Comfort today. Shame on you Southern Comfort. Shame on you.