Colin Farrell

Colin Farrell is a drunken Irish stereotype that occasionally acts. In 2003, he was ranked in People's "50 Most Beautiful People", despite having enough eyebrow for a family of four.

Where the sexy comes from.  Apparently.

Just The Facts

  1. Born in Castleknock, Dublin, in 1976.
  2. Entered rehab in 2005 for drugs and alcohol.
  3. To prepare for his role in Miami Vice, he followed FBI agents on several drug busts, but was sadly not hit by a stray bullet.

Colin Farrell: Leading Man

Beginning his acting career in the mid-90's, Farrell has quickly risen to the top of the film industry. There have been many possible reasons suggested for this, including (but not limited to):

  • His abs
  • His jaunty Irish brogue
  • A deal with He Who Is Satan (or some lesser demon)
  • His abs
  • People have no taste in movies

However, we here at Cracked wholeheartedly believe that his success is the direct result of his phenomenal acting ability.

Confused in Pride and Glory

Confused and suicidal in In Bruges

Confused on a subway in SWAT

Constipated in Daredevil

It's called ACTING!

Farrell has racked up over twenty films to his credit (a grueling 2 movie per year average), which have called upon him to play everything from an Irish cop to an Irish hitman.

Roles

Roland Bozz, in Tigerland

Farrell's breakout role. Bozz is an insubordinate whoremonger looking to get expelled from the army and avoid going to Vietnam. Farrell is actually quite good in this role, proving that the sun shines even on a dog's ass occasionally.

Jesse James, in American Outlaws

An over-rated actor playing an overblown historical figure in a cliche-ridden Western that failed to make back even half of its budget. We've tried to think of a joke for this one, but everyone involved in the production of this movie beat us to it.

Thomas Hart, in Hart's War

Imagine Hogan's Heroes, only infinitely more depressing. Add racism, murder, and Bruce Willis. Subract the sick enjoyment resulting from Bob Crane's sexual addiction and porn-related death.

I know NOTHING! I see NOTHING!

Bullseye, in Daredevil

The most dangerous member of Daredevil's Rogue's Gallery is reimagined as not only a sociopathic Irish hitman, but the worst Target spokesman ever.

Expect more. Pay less.

Alexander the Great, in Alexander

Colin Farrell and Oliver Stone stirred up a fair bit of controversy by portraying Alexander as bisexual. But in the end, who cares? Rosario Dawson's boobs are all anybody remembers.

Historically inaccurate tripe? Yes. But there's titties.

Sonny Crockett, in Miami Vice

Picking the worst performance in this movie is truly difficult, but Colin Farrell was out-acted by the following:

  • Jamie Foxx
  • "Long-Haired Aryan Brother"
  • "Woman in Double Wide Trailer"
  • A "Go-Fast" boat
  • His Hair
  • A Dodge Charger

To be fair, it was totally believable as a car.

Random Celebrity Stupidity

Sex Tape

In 2005, Farrell sued his ex-girlfriend (among others) over the release of a sex tape featuring 14 minutes of drunken Irish sex. The tape failed to receive the same amount of attention as similar sex tapes from Paris Hilton, Tom Sizemore, or even Screech.

Harassment

Farrell was accused of harassing a phone sex operator, though the two lawsuits were dismissed. The woman even went so far as to interrupt an interview with Farrell on The Tonight Show. Unfortunately, few witnessed the altercation that followed, as studies show that 98% of viewers were unable to stay awake or avoid changing the channel during the majority of Leno's monologues.

Solicitation

According to Dame Eileen Watkins, Farrell propositioned her for sex for three hours while they were filming together. This is not especially surprising, except that Dame Eileen Watkins was seventy years old at the time.

Mmmmmyeah. Break us off a piece of that.