Actress Nudity

Determining How Famous An Actress is (As Dictated By Your Boner).

Lesson 2 is learning to not name names.

Just The Facts

  1. Actress nudity is what keeps the world just, fair, and positioned strategically with a newspaper on its crotch.
  2. If there was no actress nudity, men would star in every role, even the ones designated for women.
  3. There is a fine line between talented actress and porn star. This line is called Hollywood.

The Talents-To-Tits Ratio.

You can determine much about a famous actress just by consulting your wood. For example, Anne Hathaway gave an admirable performance in Brokeback Mountain, but her tits consummated her role as an A-lister. The equation is actually quite effective. Allow me to explain further with this handy formula:

X + Y = Boner

If X equals the popularity and talent of said actress, Y is no doubt equivalent to the amount of nudity which she grants you the audience. Your boner then picks up the slack by appropriating the angle at which you must hunch in order to hide it. If that angle is right, chances are she isn't exactly Ellen Page and she's probably dealt with a meth addiction at some point. If that angle is obtuse, she most likely starred in a Joss Whedon production and is resentful that she has never been the lead in a super hero origins story. However, if it is an acute angle you're dealing with, she's fucking gone method a couple times.

Pictured: You. Hunching over. Hiding your precious stiffy.

Further Reading:

Paris Hilton:

X: She continually rode high on her wave of popularity, which proliferated more victims than Hurricane Katrina and U2 albums combined. She's really just a spoiled rich heiress with no connection to what we peasants endearingly refer to as "reality". This has caused her to act out for whatever attention she can get, much like a stray bullet trying to impress you by killing your friends.

Y: As mention beforehand, Paris will take what she can get. To her, any attention is good attention, even if it's negative. Hence staging a brilliant hoax in which a grainy, low quality sex-tape is released just in time for the premier of a reality show starring you-know-who. So by Hoyle, she isn't on any higher of a peg than your average porn star. She's actually lower, mostly due to the fact that with all her hard-earned cash and formidable connections, Paris can't land a role in anything that isn't either a celluloid shit-burger or doesn't involve her understudying a Thanksgiving turkey.

No matter how you squirm, seeing Paris Hilton naked will irrevocably incite a pitch of the tent. However, this doesn't necessarily mean that you're particularly attracted to her. All it really tells us is that when you're hungry enough, McDonald's can taste like a fillet mignon. Oh yeah, you may have just gotten AIDS from retinal intake.

Jessica Simpson:

X: There isn't much to mention in the way of Jessica Simpson being an actress. Sure, she's starred in a couple of films. However, back in the day when the word "acting" took on a dynamic meaning, Jessica would be considered a prop set-piece, at best. At worst, she would be considered to be Jessica; "you know, that one singer with no talent and tits who keeps bothering everybody. When will she go away?"

Y: Jessica doesn't support her glitter and rainbow habit by nudity alone. So it's no wonder that she has other occupations listed on her resume; such as singer, tits, and not knowing if tuna is actually aquatic chicken. While she may not be bearing her all on the silver screen, she doesn't exactly hide her milk-silos in solitude. This habit can lead to men bending over everywhere, followed by NOT masturbating furiously, because it's a sin to do it to retarded people.

Ellen Page:

X: Ellen Page is a young, but experienced actress who has been in a number of acclaimed films. You can generally count on Page to be doing a couple of things in a film; looking really hot and sounding really hot. There's almost always a demanding and urgent tone to her voice. Yet it's pure gold.

Y: Unfortunately for us, Page isn't one of those people who needs you to validate her skills by self-humiliation. She can hold her own in lead or supporting parts, with or without her boobs in the way. She was even the lead in the Academy-Award winning film Juno, which had her sporting a fake pregnancy. It would do us and our pants a world of good if she'd just take it all off. And yes, she is making out with Drew Barrymore in the picture above. Not every celebrity makes out with their director (Whip It), but Page is a different kind of performer. Which means she shows gratitude a different way. "Thanks for casting me! Let's tongue-fuck now." Seriously, this is a little odd to you, but it's standing at attention, despite most of her clothes being on.

Pictured: Your boner being perplexed.

Rating An Actress (Again, With Your Boner).

Rating an actress is a chore in and of itself. There are many proverbial questions to ponder, such as: How many films has she been in? Who were the co-stars? What were the reviews? How much revenue did it substantiate? What was she paid? Will her entire filmography be taking up residence in the direct-to-DVD discount bin? However, instead of going through this arduous and infuriating process, there is a time-honored method of determining her silver-screen chops. Luckily for you, this method is even more associated with melons than an annual seed-spitting contest. And you can bet that some of these female thespians have spit (and swallowed) mouthfuls of seeds to garner their roles. You see(d), unlike a male actor, a woman's credibility is synonymous with her output of nudity. In human terms, the more naked she gets, the more interesting your boner considers her.

On a scale of 1 to 10, let's rate some bitches, bitches.

Halle Berry:

With Clothes: 0

Without clothes AND a gun: 3

Liv Tyler:

With Clothes: 9

Um... 63 1/2... What?

Lesbian Make-out Session: Priceless.